Oh…go Fuck yourself.

-Shit that irks me in comedy.

-I think people are overly sensitive, like seriously, I was raised by two New Yorker’s..I don’t give a fuck about your feelings. I just want you to listen and understand my point my view. You don’t have to necessarily agree with me, but hear me out. I’m a clever asshole.

-I think some people fear a female asshole. Like they want a woman to go on stage and just self depreicate  or be overly sexual. I love dirty jokes, but I like to be filthy in a squeaky clean way. I like mind fucking people. It’s fun. It’s a drug. It’s power.

-I can come across as self-entitled, but I’m not. I am just an asshole. I’m a special kind of an asshole though, I like to blast the music in my car so I don’t have to hear any sirens.

-I am fairly clean on stage with the exception of utilizing the words fuck and twat. Why? because I feel like it. That’s me BUT BUT I love a good dirty comic, just be dirty with a point not for shock value.

-When people tell me I will get ahead because I’m a woman. Yeah, whatever bro. I will get ahead because I am fucking talented and hard working.girlnextdoor

New Photo on my Facebook: By Kevin Mcyntire

Have you listened to my podcast yet? Please do so. It’s free.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Marriage is not interesting.

 

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To me.

I am at that age where all every girl wants to do is get married. I get asked on a regular basis..the infamous when are you going to get married? I do not have any interest in marriage…here is why.

I think relationships are like a baseball game.

Right now I am one of the star players, because, I am young, fast and have the ability to score at a rapid pace. This is not going to last forever. Time will take away my youth and will force me out of the game and when that time comes, I will get married.

Society likes to tell women they must get married in their 20’s because that is when their beauty peaks and they have more shots at finding a suitable partner. Dear society…you can kiss my ass. I think women get hotter in their 30’s and 40’s because they have a substantial amount of life experience under their belt, and they seem to become more sexually secure. I also believe marriage would work better if people settled down later in life. As far as babies are concerned, it is 2016 if you’re financially secure have a kid…you do not need a fancy cake and a piece of paper to determine that decision.

Thoughts?

I have another show coming up on January 24th at 9pm at El Bar. COME SEE ME! There will be lots of great comics!!

 3256 Cahuenga Blvd W, Los Angeles, CA 90068

https://twitter.com/JaclynAshley79 

 

 

 

 

 

#TBT Fuck Beauty

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I was a realllyyyyyyy cute kid, and because of it, I was able to raise havoc and get away with it. Cute kids can pull stunts like that, but it wasn’t my cuteness that people around me focused on, it was my brains. I was always really bright, and incredibly creative, and I still am.

I am alittle sick and tired of blogs, memes, billboards, ads, magazines, etc trying to portray this “we are all beautiful bullshit”, no matter your size, age, color, height, gender, you get it, because it’s bullshit. I want to make a gigantic billboard that says “No matter what you look like you will get old, and ugly” end of story. Why can’t we focus on stuff that actually matters? Cindy Crawford was a super model in the 90s, she looks old, wrinkly, and ugly to me…her looks faded, just like every other pretty girl’s will. They don’t last forever. So, why can’t we focus on stuff that actually matters? Why not teach people that being genuine, is a whole lot cooler than being pretty, and being witty will actually get you farther than pretty. It will also attract people who GENUINELY give a flying fuck about you. Pretty people get used, that’s  one of the reasons why so many of them are screwed up in the head. They are constantly being judged.

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Toxic People

Funny how the people that know very little about you have the most to say

People talk. People observe. It is part of human nature. We are constantly analyzing one another, staring each other up and down, and figuring out who our competition is. This is normal behavior, because we were designed to compete against one another, and the best way to win is to figure out how to beat your rivalry. There is nothing wrong with wanting to compete, but there is something wrong with tearing each other apart. It is harmful, demeaning and flat out mean.

Normally the people want that to play the role of the tiger aka the one that wishes to tear others down with their claws in order to bestow their anger upon them are the ones that lack self-love, or they envy their prey. These are the types of people that enjoy saying ridiculous remarks about the people they know absolutely nothing about. They try to pick them apart in hopes of building themselves up and usually it is because of jealousy. 

I cannot stand these types of people and whenever I come across one I try to find the nearest exit sign to get away from them. They are deceitful, angry and miserable. They will never find true happiness and will only try to drag you down with them, you cannot save them, let them fall into their own holes and dont be the hand to help them out. They never learn. You cannot save anyone, only we can save ourselves. 

With that being said if I ever meet anyone and my radar signal goes off I never talk to them again. I will drop them just like that and will not even blink an eye, I choose to surround myself with happy, secure, genuine people not toxic, miserable assholes. 

Do you know anyone toxic? Comment! TWEET ME @Jaclynarmani

Envy Is My Favorite Sin

Yesterday, I turned 25 and it hit me that my age no longer rounds down to 20 but to 30 EEEEK! When you are a child all you ever wanted to do was act older, because being a child was just that horrible. I mean footsie pajamas, cartoons, thinking there little people inside of the radio speakers putting music on in the car, and lame sitcoms consumed most of my days. Pretty terrible huh? Than you turn into a teenager, a hormone raged, insecure angry version of your once adorable self. You have no identity yet so you try and form one but its difficult, because you want to be an individual yet you want to fit in. You want the perfect body, the perfect boyfriend, the best grades and to be voted best hair. It became quite easy to resent the people that actually possessed these traits, perpetuating you to feel some teenage angst towards these “perfect” people. 

You know what I wish I could have told my teenage self? Who you are in high school does not define who you are as a human being. There were peers I despised, I mean would have loved to punch them in the face and break their nose because they were either rude, or flat out annoyed me. Many of them grew up and evolved into great adults. Good for them.

Amy Pohler posts videos on YouTube giving people advice- one video was dedicated to jealousy, and how in the beginning you need to accept the fact that you are jealous of someone. Than she goes on to explain that you cannot succeed in life by hating on others success, and she is right. She said we should be happy for one another. Now I know there are some people I will never be happy for, and unfortunately sometimes I go snooping at their Facebook accounts and laugh at their lame lives, because I consider them mediocre. Somehow they morphed into an average fat American, with a few drooling babies, and a job. I smile to myself because I knew that lame face when they were attractive, arrogant and rude. 

I am 25 now, this is a foolish way to think. Pohler made me realize that in order for me to accomplish my goals, I must feel happy for people and not duel on the past. This year I am going to meet ALL of my damn goals. 1: Finish my first Young Adult book 2. Get an article published on the Huffington Post 3. Get into Law School 4. Make better YouTube videos! 6. Get into excellent shape, instagram has inspired me to work out and eat healthier! What are your goals?

xoxoxoxoxoxo

JP

*I do not own the image below thought it was funny because it correlates with the topic of jealousy.

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