Why I Dumped You

Roses aren’t always red, violets are actually a shade of purple not blue, and these are a bunch of reasons why I dumped you.

  1. You were intimidated by the fact that I am pretty bright.
  2. You tried to alter my comedy because you could not comprehend my jokes. Not everyone is going to like my humor, but many people have given me compliments on my joke writing, and the ability to go on stage and say “smart” jokes.
  3. You tried to get me to believe I had to “dumb” myself down on stage. I don’t play into stereotypes. I am so much better than that.
  4. You were only using me for sex, and had zero interest in anything I had to say.
  5. You spent too much time on your cell phone when we were together. This is rude and disrespectful. I should not have to point it out. You are an adult and should know by now that behavior is rude.
  6. I am more successful and make more money. I need someone more on my level. I can’t date someone who complains about paying $3.00 to park. It is unattractive.
  7. You are incredibly jealous. I am not a fan of someone reading my text messages, snooping at all of my instagram photos, and making snide remarks about the men I associate myself with.
  8. You were way too needy. I am busy. Sometimes I don’t have time to talk on the phone or be annoyed by your childish complaints.
  9. You were too immature. Sometimes I felt like I was conversing with a teenage boy and not a 29 year old man.
  10. You have a non-progressive view on female sexuality.
  11. You do not know how to be professional.
  12. Our taste in humor will always clash. I don’t really like humor that is easily accessible. So premises like “I am broke, I hate ho’s, I got fired, I am a loser” irritate me.
  13. I liked your friends more than you.
  14. You told me I should be “ghetto” on stage. I am not “ghetto”. I grew up in the suburbs. If I went on stage and acted “ghetto” the audience wouldn’t buy it.
  15. You don’t understand joke writing and said “I over think it”! I do not over think it. I just understand every joke needs a PREMISE + a PUNCHLINE! I carefully construct my jokes. I do research. I change the wording. I use my art to convey a certain message.
  16. You have this idea in your head that certain subjects are off limits. In my opinion, no subject is off limits. You just have to write the joke correctly. Topics like suicide, murder, death and mental illness can ALL be funny when they are written well.
  17. I am going back to dating older guys now.

Love Jaclyn


Stuff I <3

In honor of V-day…Here’s stuff I ❤

  1. Feeling dehydrated, then drinking water, and having to piss  every five minutes afterwards.
  2. When people take forever to go through a stop light, because they’re too busy texting.
  3. When guys refuse to get haircuts; I just love unkept hair, because it makes me want to grow a bush.
  4. When random people bitch to me; it makes me feel rather intelligent, who knew I had the brains to be a shrink?
  5. Going into a public bathroom that does not have any toilet paper left.
  6. Waiting in lines, because it tests my patience.
  7. Guys that smother you when they’re kissing you.
  8. Split ends, because they’re such a distraction.
  9. Pinterest, because I dig looking at photos of crafts, and DIY stuff that I can totally DM.
  10. Nancy Grace, because she is so informative and knows everything.

Follow me on twitter——->>>>>>>> www.twitter.com/jaclynashley79

Listen to my podcast———>>>>>>>https://soundcloud.com/snarky-brunette/unapologetic-snark-ep1