8 Things I Hate

#1. When people take too fucking long in the self check out.

#2. When you have park a mile away because there is no street parking.

#3. When people bitch for no reason like I am doing now.

#4. When people call you to tell you something that could have easily been texted or messaged on Facebook.

#5. When guys try and insult their way into your pants…it doesnt work dumb fucks.

#6. The fact that my generation removed romance out of sex and made it all about fucking to stop them from having emotions.

#7.Guys that think cute girls have it easier than them.

#8. When companies blow up my email with 20 billion ads a day.

Leave me some of your complaints below!

 

 

 

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My Comedy Struggle

Comedy is rough man, because I don’t desire approval. I think many comedians struggle with confidence, and seek out love, and validation from complete strangers. I don’t suffer from low-self esteem, and I kinda see this as an issue for me, because it makes me unlikeable as a comic. I am just getting started and other comedians have told me my voice will develop, and eventually people will understand who I am as a person within minutes. I love comedy, and I love making people laugh, but I don’t give a flying fuck about approval, and I believe this causes me to lack vulnerability which is what you need to survive in comedy. Whenever I act like an airhead people fucking laugh and I get the audience on my side, but if I go on stage as a snarky asshole I tend to bomb! Its EXTREMELY frustrating because although I am a ding bat, I am intelligent, and I don’t really want to go on stage as a character, because ultimately I will just become some fucking parody, and I would get so pissed off UNLESS I made a lot of money, that may make me seem like a shitty artist, but at least I am honest. Comedy is still a fucking business, and unfortunately some people are just more marketable.

I did an open mic the other night which gets broadcast on Periscope, and at the end viewers were allowed to ask us questions. I was the only comic in the room with a vagina. A viewer asked is it tough being  a female comic? I said yes, because there are still jokes a man can tell that a woman cannot. I think it is much easier for a man to come across as an asshole than a woman. Sure there are female comics with asshole personas, but it is tougher for a woman to be accepted as one. I feel like people hate me when I go on stage as a snarky bitch, but are more drawn to me when I play the dumb card. It pisses me off! On the bright side I have another show Jan 28th! at El Bar in Los Angeles.

 

 

OMG Shitty Friends

Shitty friends suck, but what is even worse is when YOU keep them around, because believe it or not, you have the power to kick them to the curb. I recommend you do this. What makes a shitty friend?

#1. If he/she blows up your phone on a regular basis to discuss their issues all day long; I guarantee it they’re a shitty friend.

#2. They can’t agree to disagree. They will continue to argue with you over incredibly dumb topics, and most of the time they don’t even have valid information to support their opinions. For the record, an opinion is an opinion if it were a fact it would be called a fact.

#3. They don’t support you. Enough said.

#4. They’re jealous of you. You find a good guy, and they’ll find everything wrong with him, because they’re lonely and single, and will be for the rest of their lives.

#5.They critique most of the stuff you do even when you don’t ask.

#6. When its your turn to vent, they respond with shit like “I’m being positive today”.

woman-tearing-hair-out                                                              (hercampus.com)

You’re such a pillowcase

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We all know someone that was whacked with the dumb gene, and hey, not everyone can be intelligent, and there are plenty of ways to be intelligent, and this is part of what makes the world go round, but I am not going to get into that today. I am going to write some of the dumbest comments I have ever heard someone say, some of them were written, and others were verbal.

#1. “This guy put the date rape drug in my drink at the bar, but I was kind of happy he picked me, because I was fat”.

#2. “I put mayonnaise in my hair to keep it soft”

#3. “I gained a lot of weight because of my boyfriend”

#4. “Your snotty”

#5. “Your dumb”

#6. “Those that spit up in the air get it right back on them”

#7. “Where yo boyfriend at?” (not kidding someone said this to me the other day I did not jack it from the MAD Tv skit

#8. “Why you so cold”

What are some of yours? I know you have some!

xoxoxoxoxoxo

#TBT Fuck Beauty

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I was a realllyyyyyyy cute kid, and because of it, I was able to raise havoc and get away with it. Cute kids can pull stunts like that, but it wasn’t my cuteness that people around me focused on, it was my brains. I was always really bright, and incredibly creative, and I still am.

I am alittle sick and tired of blogs, memes, billboards, ads, magazines, etc trying to portray this “we are all beautiful bullshit”, no matter your size, age, color, height, gender, you get it, because it’s bullshit. I want to make a gigantic billboard that says “No matter what you look like you will get old, and ugly” end of story. Why can’t we focus on stuff that actually matters? Cindy Crawford was a super model in the 90s, she looks old, wrinkly, and ugly to me…her looks faded, just like every other pretty girl’s will. They don’t last forever. So, why can’t we focus on stuff that actually matters? Why not teach people that being genuine, is a whole lot cooler than being pretty, and being witty will actually get you farther than pretty. It will also attract people who GENUINELY give a flying fuck about you. Pretty people get used, that’s  one of the reasons why so many of them are screwed up in the head. They are constantly being judged.

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He Appears to be Diggin It But He Just Wants to Hit It.

Heterosexual females, I am your friend.

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I am your little Magic 8 ball (remember these assholes) with all of the answers. No, not really, but I always had a lot of male friends, because I bond better with men. They are more straight forward, always down to have a good time, and most men are sugar and no spice. I am going to help you figure out whether the guy you are seeing appears to be digging it but he just wants to hit it.

#1. He doesn’t want you to meet his friends. A dude that just wants to bang you could give a shit about  his buddies opinions, because he just wants your vagina, not your heart.

#2. He doesn’t want to be friends with you on Facebook, follow you on Twitter, or Ig (ya get it yet?) If he lies to you about having any of them…its a huge red flag for I just wanna hit it.

#3. He mentioned sex when you first met. Men that dig a chick won’t try and hit it too quick. They have conversations about a variety of topics, and none of them are sexual.

#4. His text messages look something like this “haha” “lol” “cool” its a really simple way to let someone know you’re not that into them.

#5. After you have sex he never texts you first.

#6. He doesn’t ever want to take you out REMEMBER “come over and watch a movie is guy code for come over and fuck me”

#7. He never brings you around family members, because again he doesn’t care what they think of you because he’s not serious about you anyway.

#8. He frequently ignores your texts, but will text you when he’s bored.