Shitty People You Probably Worked with.

I have worked countless jobs, and disliked many of them because of the idiots I was forced to pretend to like. Office jobs are the absolute WORST for someone with my personality type. I am a creative space caddet so after a while being in the same environment, sitting at the same fucking desk, doing the same fucking tasks and working with the same people makes me feel suicidal. So, I have comprised a list of shitty people you probably work with or will have the honor of working with.

#1.) The bimbo who does absolutely nothing, but gets ahead because she fucked the right guy. The brutal truth is many people climb up the ladder in their company who are totally unqualified, and have the mind of a rocking chair,because they rode the right dick.

#2.) The moron who is pointless, does not do their job well, but continues to get chance after chance before finally getting fired. I once worked with a moron who told us a story about how some guy put the date rape drug in her drink but she was super stoked he chose her because she was fat. I threw a dart at her head at an office party and her head popped.

#3.) The person who takes their job wayyyyyy too seriously! I once worked with an over competitive chick at a popular sunglass store who was so competitive about selling $200 worth of plastic. I’m sorry but the commission was super low…so I personally gave zero fucks.

#4.) The manager that will forever be a manager at some shitty retail job because they never had the nerve to chase after their dreams, or they had a kid at 20 and got married at 21 and thought their career options were limited. This manager will try and discourage you from chasing your dreams. Don’t listen to them they will always make a few bucks over minimum wage selling t-shirts that were made in China.

#5.) The stoner that sits at their desk and calls you a diva when you message them multiple times to fix your computer!

#6.) The grown up mean girls who talk shit about the people they will never be as good as.

 

 

Why I Dumped You

Roses aren’t always red, violets are actually a shade of purple not blue, and these are a bunch of reasons why I dumped you.

  1. You were intimidated by the fact that I am pretty bright.
  2. You tried to alter my comedy because you could not comprehend my jokes. Not everyone is going to like my humor, but many people have given me compliments on my joke writing, and the ability to go on stage and say “smart” jokes.
  3. You tried to get me to believe I had to “dumb” myself down on stage. I don’t play into stereotypes. I am so much better than that.
  4. You were only using me for sex, and had zero interest in anything I had to say.
  5. You spent too much time on your cell phone when we were together. This is rude and disrespectful. I should not have to point it out. You are an adult and should know by now that behavior is rude.
  6. I am more successful and make more money. I need someone more on my level. I can’t date someone who complains about paying $3.00 to park. It is unattractive.
  7. You are incredibly jealous. I am not a fan of someone reading my text messages, snooping at all of my instagram photos, and making snide remarks about the men I associate myself with.
  8. You were way too needy. I am busy. Sometimes I don’t have time to talk on the phone or be annoyed by your childish complaints.
  9. You were too immature. Sometimes I felt like I was conversing with a teenage boy and not a 29 year old man.
  10. You have a non-progressive view on female sexuality.
  11. You do not know how to be professional.
  12. Our taste in humor will always clash. I don’t really like humor that is easily accessible. So premises like “I am broke, I hate ho’s, I got fired, I am a loser” irritate me.
  13. I liked your friends more than you.
  14. You told me I should be “ghetto” on stage. I am not “ghetto”. I grew up in the suburbs. If I went on stage and acted “ghetto” the audience wouldn’t buy it.
  15. You don’t understand joke writing and said “I over think it”! I do not over think it. I just understand every joke needs a PREMISE + a PUNCHLINE! I carefully construct my jokes. I do research. I change the wording. I use my art to convey a certain message.
  16. You have this idea in your head that certain subjects are off limits. In my opinion, no subject is off limits. You just have to write the joke correctly. Topics like suicide, murder, death and mental illness can ALL be funny when they are written well.
  17. I am going back to dating older guys now.

Love Jaclyn

Snarky Sunday.

Snarky Thoughts to begin a new snarky week.

#1.) I have a show tonight, its a shitty, rainy fucking day in Los Angeles, but I am performing at Hanglider Bar-7pm, 1044 S. Fairfax Avenue, parking can be tricky get there early. Come out & give me a hug. I am sweet, and cuddly.

#2.) Seriously guys, you have to check out Snark Attack, Wed Jan 25th- 7pm Los Angeles time! I am hosting! http://www.dromebox.com

#3.) Enough with that promotional bullshit.

#4.) I hate working with anyone who always claims to be busy, but really doesn’t do jack shit. If you’re really busy, you’re getting shit done, and if you’re getting shit done everyone can SEE it. So, you do not need to tell them. Actions speak louder than words.

#5.) You tubers who morphed into yacking advertisements. Buy this, buy that, bitch what ever happened to you telling me how to correctly conceal the bags under my eyes?

#6.) When Spotify says 30 minutes of straight music, then I switch channels and they give me another Ad, wtf, motherfucker you just told me you were going to give me 30 minutes of straight music?

#7. I don’t care about LaLa Land.

Seriously be nice & follow me on Twitter & Instagram @JaclynPassaro

 

Bad Sex…

What is bad sex? Bad sex is when you would rather read the encyclopedia than be intimate with that person. Bad sex is when that person can’t get inside of your mind, and screw you. You get my drift? Here is a list I created from my personal sexual experiences.

#1.) Your sex partner is inexperienced, but feels the need to dominate. Someone who is sexually inexperienced should back off, and learn from the person who has been around the block a couple of times. As a heterosexual female, I have only been intimate with males, so this issues might be more common for us straight girls. It may be a bit rough for a male to back down, but if they’re secure enough, they’ll let the woman take charge.

#2.) Being completely oblivious to your partners wants and needs. The female body is not the same as a male (you’d think this would be obvious-I thought so too) but we can’t just walk into a room and have you stick your dick in us! We need to get turned on.

#3.) Personally, I strongly dislike when a guy wants to be all of over me the second I walk into a room. It is unattractive, and border line annoying. I like a guy that holds off, observes my mood, and lets me do the initiating. I am not shy.

#4.) There is zero emotional connection. For me I need some sort of an emotional connection. It makes sex seem less calculated, and more animalistic.

#5.) They watch WAYYYYY too much porn! I do not have any problem with a guy watching porn. I do have a problem with them thinking its real, because its not. It’s fake. If you think I am going to scream like a school girl getting fucked the second you enter me you have another thing coming.

 

 

2016- Full of Snark

Good Morning Assholes,

Today is New Years Eve, many of you will be making new years resolutions like promising yourself to lose the 25lbs you have been trying to say goodbye to for the past decade, ditching the spouse in your life that is pointless, or trying to become a “better” individual. I am proud of you!

I must say 2016 was a fantastic year. I made it into my late twenties without murdering anyone. I am getting thinner, and more attractive as I age. In the past three months, I have lost 12lbs, and in 2016 decided to turn into a dark blonde. I really like the transition, because it makes my olive skin tone stand out more, and for some reason I feel like it makes me exude a 1970’s glam look. It is chic without trying too hard. I think true beauty should always seem a bit effortless.

This year was also a fantastic year for me comedically. In 2016, I produced multiple stand up comedy shows, figured out my writing style, and am definitely coming into my own on stage. I found out that audience members do not find me appealing as a character, when they do enjoy my act they respond the best to Jaclyn Passaro. Whenever I excel at anything in my life it is always by being Jaclyn. I also got a great tape of my set which is on youtube!

In 2017, I will be submitting to a few comedy festivals, co-producing a stand up comedy show that will held in a quaint theater in Studio City called Just Comedy and trying to perform as much as I can! It is going to be a great year for me.

Now ladies & gentleman a taste of Snark!

screen-shot-2016-12-31-at-10-52-46-am

Clingy, No Thank-You

 

I hate tons of stuff. I hate it when people walk slow, I hate people who are up your ass when you’re trying to back out of a parking space, I hate rain, I hate feet, I hate the smell of the AM, I hate it when people snore, and I cannot stand clingy men. Ugh. Ugh.

Double Ugh.

Triple ugh, ugh, ugh.

I tend to attract them though. I have no idea why. I am EXTREMELY independent. Sometimes I enjoy being alone, and unfortunately clingy fucks just do not get this.

How to spot a clingy fuck.

#1. As soon as you start dating them all they do is talk about you on social media.

#2. They text you all day long.

#3. Suddenly their whole world revolves around you. I admit I am narcissistic and I love a good ego stroke, but after about a week of this garbage I am over it.

#4. They’re insecure. They say ridiculous stuff like “how many boyfriends do you have?” “You can do better than me”. I have a fiery personality, and a great ass, of course I can.

 

How do you spot clingy fucks?