Revenge of the simpletons

If I could write a horror film, it would be entitled Revenge of The Simpletons. I find simple people rather frightening, and a bit confusing. Simple people are contempt with being complacent. They do not think outside of the box and rarely have extraordinary minds. I hate being surrounded by people like this; they make me feel so depressed. They annoy me because they think their point of views are so normal but what they dont seem to understand is what is normal? If I woke up tomorrow in a house in suburbia with a husband, a kid and a baby on the way I would be sad. I wasn’t meant to be “normal”. I was meant to do crazy, cool shit with my life, and I will accomplish anything I said out to do. Simpletons see me as the enemy, or odd, or weird, or wrong and I just see them as pests. Like the mosquito I just want to swat! bradybunch

College Confessions.

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(Teen.com)

#1.) I had a chance to screw my Philosophy TA, he had these really cool ice blue eyes, but I chickened out. Buck, Buck.

#2.) I had a ton of awesome sex.

#3.) I didn’t do any drugs, and really didn’t drink all that much. I was too busy getting laid.

#4.) I learned how much I hate lube.

#5.) One time I was really drunk, and I walked into the bathroom and this girl licked the side of my face like a dog, but my reflexes were too slow to do anything about it.

#6.) I used to force myself to throw up when I was drinking, because I didn’t want to gain weight. It didn’t help.

#7.) I used to load myself up on Redbull and coffee because they calmed me down. This was before I realized I had ADHD.

#8.) I hooked up with a guy who had a mirror on the side of his bed like Patrick Bateman. He was pretty hot, but a complete asshole.

#9.) I fell in love. <3.

 

Why I Dumped You

Roses aren’t always red, violets are actually a shade of purple not blue, and these are a bunch of reasons why I dumped you.

  1. You were intimidated by the fact that I am pretty bright.
  2. You tried to alter my comedy because you could not comprehend my jokes. Not everyone is going to like my humor, but many people have given me compliments on my joke writing, and the ability to go on stage and say “smart” jokes.
  3. You tried to get me to believe I had to “dumb” myself down on stage. I don’t play into stereotypes. I am so much better than that.
  4. You were only using me for sex, and had zero interest in anything I had to say.
  5. You spent too much time on your cell phone when we were together. This is rude and disrespectful. I should not have to point it out. You are an adult and should know by now that behavior is rude.
  6. I am more successful and make more money. I need someone more on my level. I can’t date someone who complains about paying $3.00 to park. It is unattractive.
  7. You are incredibly jealous. I am not a fan of someone reading my text messages, snooping at all of my instagram photos, and making snide remarks about the men I associate myself with.
  8. You were way too needy. I am busy. Sometimes I don’t have time to talk on the phone or be annoyed by your childish complaints.
  9. You were too immature. Sometimes I felt like I was conversing with a teenage boy and not a 29 year old man.
  10. You have a non-progressive view on female sexuality.
  11. You do not know how to be professional.
  12. Our taste in humor will always clash. I don’t really like humor that is easily accessible. So premises like “I am broke, I hate ho’s, I got fired, I am a loser” irritate me.
  13. I liked your friends more than you.
  14. You told me I should be “ghetto” on stage. I am not “ghetto”. I grew up in the suburbs. If I went on stage and acted “ghetto” the audience wouldn’t buy it.
  15. You don’t understand joke writing and said “I over think it”! I do not over think it. I just understand every joke needs a PREMISE + a PUNCHLINE! I carefully construct my jokes. I do research. I change the wording. I use my art to convey a certain message.
  16. You have this idea in your head that certain subjects are off limits. In my opinion, no subject is off limits. You just have to write the joke correctly. Topics like suicide, murder, death and mental illness can ALL be funny when they are written well.
  17. I am going back to dating older guys now.

Love Jaclyn

Good Sex.

I was watching Shameless, and it made me think about the great sex I used to have with this green eyed hunk.

When I was 21, I fell in love. I thought this guy was everything…well sexually LOL. He taught me what really good sex was and ever since him I have not found someone as wonderful as him.

#1.) Foreplay. It assists in making the sex more passionate. It also shows the guy is willing to take his time, and isn’t trying to rush things so he can get to the finish line faster.

#2.) When you’re both in sync with each other on an emotional level.

#3.) When you’re both willing to try new things.

#4.) Good kissing. A guy who is a fantastic kisser is like the ultimate turn on.You would be surprised as to how many are terrible kissers.

Bad Sex…

What is bad sex? Bad sex is when you would rather read the encyclopedia than be intimate with that person. Bad sex is when that person can’t get inside of your mind, and screw you. You get my drift? Here is a list I created from my personal sexual experiences.

#1.) Your sex partner is inexperienced, but feels the need to dominate. Someone who is sexually inexperienced should back off, and learn from the person who has been around the block a couple of times. As a heterosexual female, I have only been intimate with males, so this issues might be more common for us straight girls. It may be a bit rough for a male to back down, but if they’re secure enough, they’ll let the woman take charge.

#2.) Being completely oblivious to your partners wants and needs. The female body is not the same as a male (you’d think this would be obvious-I thought so too) but we can’t just walk into a room and have you stick your dick in us! We need to get turned on.

#3.) Personally, I strongly dislike when a guy wants to be all of over me the second I walk into a room. It is unattractive, and border line annoying. I like a guy that holds off, observes my mood, and lets me do the initiating. I am not shy.

#4.) There is zero emotional connection. For me I need some sort of an emotional connection. It makes sex seem less calculated, and more animalistic.

#5.) They watch WAYYYYY too much porn! I do not have any problem with a guy watching porn. I do have a problem with them thinking its real, because its not. It’s fake. If you think I am going to scream like a school girl getting fucked the second you enter me you have another thing coming.

 

 

I Find Don Draper So Relatable.

I love Don Draper. He is sexy. He is witty. He is completely fucked up.

Don Draper is a marketing genius, and the type of man every man secretly wishes they could be. On the surface, he wreaks of perfection, but beneath the perfectly tailored suit and shadow of smug is a man who is painfully miserable.

First of all, Don doesn’t think love exists, and I agree. I don’t think people fall in love, I think they think they are in love.

Don consistently cheats on his wife, and I do not think it was just about sex. I think Don never found his equal, and throughout the series each woman was a clear representation of what he was missing in his life. Betty Draper was a cold-hearted bitch who lacked emotions. This is quite ironic, because a substantial amount of Don’s job was making people “feel” through advertising.

Midge Daniels was edgy and exciting. She smoked weed, had casual sex and made her own money. You think Betty would have touched Mary Jane? Maybe if it would have prevented wrinkles.

Candace, the prostitute. She slaps Don and for a split second he knows what it is like to feel dominated. Don always has to be the boss and tell everyone what to do. At least he wasn’t married at that time.

I can relate to Don Draper, because like him, I do not think I am capable of finding a guy who has everything I desire. I think all men are large puzzles, and the finishing piece is always missing.

 

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She Has Everything & You Hate Her For It.

She has everything. She’s pretty, she’s articulate, she drives a fancy convertible, she’s had every career imaginable, and she managed to fuck a dick-less boyfriend for over five decades. She’s fantastic and she is made of plastic.

She’s a wholesome sex icon. She is one gigantic joke.

I do a whole Barbie bit in my stand up act. It begins with “my parents always bought me career Barbies..they never seemed to get me the one I really wanted..serial killer Barbie. She was too expensive the bodies were sold separately..”

(Photo Credit: Mariel Clayton)

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I truly believe that Barbie was created by a devote Christian because she’s had the same boyfriend for 50 years, and her knees don’t bend.

I think Mattel created a society that mocks society and it all began with monogamy.  I don’t believe Barbie’s “unrealistic” figure should be frowned upon. I think the idea that she’s smokin hot, insanely driven, seems to have it all and only had one boyfriend along the ride is the problem. We are a society obsessed with monogamy and I think this an enormous issue. I don’t care about getting married, or being with the same guy for five decades. It just doesn’t seem fun or realistic.

Barbie and her plastic friends are a representation of what Capitalism and religion have imbedded into our minds. Barbie doesn’t have just any car..she has a pink convertible car, so when she is driving everyone will stare, and probably snapchat it at a stop light. She has a huge mansion in Malibu, a gigantic swimming pool, a Kim Kardashian lifestyle and she never had to get fucked on camera to get it.

I will be performing at Club Privacy at 9pm on October 20th & The Clown House on October 22nd at 8pm in Downtown LA!

I had a great performance at the Ice House in Pasadena this past Sunday… I am trying to get the video so I can post! If not, I will try and film Thursday, or Saturday!

 

xoxoxoxoxox- Dont forget to follow me on instagram! @JaclynPassaro

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Marriage is not interesting.

 

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To me.

I am at that age where all every girl wants to do is get married. I get asked on a regular basis..the infamous when are you going to get married? I do not have any interest in marriage…here is why.

I think relationships are like a baseball game.

Right now I am one of the star players, because, I am young, fast and have the ability to score at a rapid pace. This is not going to last forever. Time will take away my youth and will force me out of the game and when that time comes, I will get married.

Society likes to tell women they must get married in their 20’s because that is when their beauty peaks and they have more shots at finding a suitable partner. Dear society…you can kiss my ass. I think women get hotter in their 30’s and 40’s because they have a substantial amount of life experience under their belt, and they seem to become more sexually secure. I also believe marriage would work better if people settled down later in life. As far as babies are concerned, it is 2016 if you’re financially secure have a kid…you do not need a fancy cake and a piece of paper to determine that decision.

Thoughts?

I have another show coming up on January 24th at 9pm at El Bar. COME SEE ME! There will be lots of great comics!!

 3256 Cahuenga Blvd W, Los Angeles, CA 90068

https://twitter.com/JaclynAshley79