Words of Wisdom…Let it Be

I thought I would write this post up super duper quick before I start this crazy ass day. I know a thing or two about life.

#1.) Communication is crucial for any type of a relationship. Whether it is a friendship, a co-worker, or someone you are dating, a lack of communication can cause a lot of trouble.

#2.) Not everyone is going to like you, who gives a fuck.

#3.) You are not going to succeed at everything you want to succeed in you will fail, and that is cool, everyone does.

#4.) Don’t use drugs to make you thin, you will get fat again.

#5.)  You will outgrow friends. It happens.

#6.) We all fucking die, chase your dreams.

#7.) We all fucking die, chase the person you love even if you think you’re going to get burned…

#8.) Sex is super good for you.

#9.) Fucking is cool too as long as nobody gets hurt.

#10.) Sometimes you cannot see the red flags because they are covered by fire works,  enjoy the view anyway, passion is fun.

#11.) If he was a bad guy at once it doesnt mean he is now, people change, people grow.

#12.) If he is a shitty father it shows a lot about his character.

#13) Cuddling is fun, and helps you get good sleep.

#14.) Kissing is the best, it takes you back to high school, nothing like teen love.

#15.) You have to learn from your mistakes, if you continue to do the same shit you’re a fucking moron.

#16.) We all get played, but it makes us stronger players.

#17.) Taylor Swift is usually dead on.

#18.) Guys tell your girl she is beautiful, even if lots of people do, she needs to hear it from you too.

#19.) We all get burned, but it makes our skin stronger.

#20.) Do drugs for fun, not to subside pain.

#21.) Turn your pain into art.

#22.) Try Kombucha its insanely delicious.

#23.) Take long walks.

#24.) Get your oil changed on time.

#25.) Write all your feelings down.

#26.) Cry. It makes shit better.

#27.) Read even if its articles, read.

#28.) Do Cardio.

#29.) Sometimes you need therapy, its all good, so see one.

#30.) We are all flawed, and have issues.

#31.) Learn to be captivated by yourself.

#32.) A litte narcissism never hurt nobody.

#33.) Alittle vulnerability never hurt nobody.

#34.) Its okay to admit you’re good at something.

#35.) Learn to save your money, I am so bad at this I am always broke lol.

#36.) Don’t waste your energy on dumb shit it aint worth it.

#37.) Be a good friend.

 

 

 

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Oh Gosh a Letter.

When I was a Freshman in college, I had to write a letter to myself, it contained mostly career goals, and what we wanted from our future. I wanted to be the next Jessica Savitch, and I wanted to start a charity, and save the world. I remember a friend saying “ok Angelina Jolie”. I was so sweet, so naive, and so vibrant. Oh yeah and I wanted a bunch of books published. LOL.

I cannot be the next Savitch, because I really do not have an interest in reporting the news. I cannot write a bunch of books, because I’m not that good of a writer. I’m a good blogger. I can however, write really good jokes. I can make people laugh. I can push the envelope, and get people to see the extraordinary in something that appears to be ordinary.

That’s why I love comedy. Writing is that thing I fell in love with when I was 6. It allowed me to CREATE, EXPLORE, ESCAPE. Performing gives people happiness, but it also makes them THINK. My humor is not easy; it’s clever, and difficult. Some people cant handle it, and I am okay with that. My art is allowed to push people’s buttons, and make them feel. If they cannot handle their feelings then fuck them.

xoxoxoxoxoxo

@JaclynPassaro

Pat on the back doesn’t pay the bills.

Below is my expression when I would do well at my jobs, and was never rewarded with cash.

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I am one of those people who is incredibly driven, independent, and competitive. Anything you can do I can do better. Seriously. Unfortunately, I can also become the employee from hell LOL. I remember I worked at Ulta for one month when I was 17, and then was fired. I really didn’t give a fuck. Why? The pay was shitty, the discount sucked, and I hated facing. Oh, and they wanted us to get people to sign up for this shitty fashion magazine, in addition to their rewards program with absolutely no monetary gain. You want to motivate people? Pay them.

I worked for an agency. I was hands down one of the most creative people there. I got shit done. I got shit done quick. I was able to get clients on some pretty cool blogs. You think I got a raise? Nope. I quit. Caio!

I’ve worked for people who wrote nasty emails about how I was stupid; they made me cry, they cut like a knife, but you know what fuck them. They were in debt, and hated themselves, so naturally they took it out on someone else. I admit to being a dingbat at times, but I am far from dumb. Nasty comments have only made me stronger. You want to call me dumb? Go ahead. Have fun. TWAT!

I’ve worked around people who are lazy, uncreative, and have no major goals. They make you so depressed after a while. Its like they gave up on life, and the highlight of their year is when Starbucks puts out the holiday drinks.

All of these companies had one thing in common, they failed to realize a pat on the back doesnt pay the bills. If you want to keep a team of MVP’s you have to pay them, and reward them.

XOXOXOXOXO- Jaclyn

 

I’m not a xerox face.

When I started college, I really wanted to be an anchorwoman. I wanted to be the next Jessica Savitch. I bought her biography, and read everything about her, I had her plastered all over my Myspace…she was so edgy, she was dark, and groundbreaking. She had a cocaine problem, her husband committed suicide, her dad died when she was young, she experienced poverty, she was super sexual, and had captivating eyes. She was broken. I thought she was relatable. I worked at my school’s radio station for a while doing news updates. I would find news stories, rewrite them to fit their standards, and say them on air. Maybe 3 people heard? The ones sitting in the office (laughs). I would always fuck up country names, and people’s last names LOL. I have an accent. I wasn’t cut out for this. I remember back in the day Facebook had this thing where you could tell people things anonymously, and one day someone wrote “I have no doubt when you get your non regional dialect down you’re going to be become one of the best known anchorwomen” I still remember, pretty cool.

The truth is I am not cut out to do the news. I actually really don’t give a fuck about the news LOLLOL. I remember this guy telling the class that oneday we would have sacrifice our morals to boost our careers, and I just can’t do shit like that. I’m really lovely underneath it all. I’m a really good person. An authentic soul. I also didn’t have passion for this. What do I have passion for?

WRITING! & getting attention LMFAO.

Writing is my first love. I liked writing as a child because I could make the world the way I wanted it to be! I could create, and possibly make people feel good. This translates well with comedy; I am a very good joke writer. I also like making people good about shit they are supposed to feel bad about it which is why I write mostly dark humor. I like being the center of attention…I have that narc personality going on and I am quite charming so it all works out.

Also, I am not a xerox face. I have distinct features, and I am kinda exotic looking, which is not news standards. Savitch, Couric, etc they all have a similar looking face, and I just do not exude that type of beauty.

xoxoxoxo- Jaclyn

 

Crisis Chicks.

Pretty much all of my relationships fail. There are gum balls that have lasted longer than some of my relationships. There are people who often wonder why I don’t have a boyfriend. I am fairly bright, self sufficient & I’m not ugly. Well here’s the deal I’m a pain in the ass.

-I am not one of those broads who likes every damn photo of the guy I am with.

-I am not some broad who is going to tell a guy how amazing he is 24/7. I’m not like that. I just expect the guy to know I really dig him. I mean I send them kissy face emojis what more do they want?

-I have ADHD & well I’m narcissistic. But Im not the type of narc that hurts people intentionally to get ahead. I could never do that. It would make me feel awful.

-I get easily distracted and bored. My shrink asked me if I have ever suffered from depression, and anxiety. I know I have anxiety, because I bite my nails all the time, and have done so since I was a child. I also used to pull my hair out as a kid anytime I got sick because my mom made me feel so scared. I used to get really high fevers, and would be sick for weeks, and she made it much, much worse. I don’t think i have depression….I explained to her that whenever I have an office job…eventually i start to cry everyday…and she said because you constantly need to be stimulated. So, this also applies to dating. If a guy cant stimulate me I get distracted and bored. And then dump him, or he gets annoyed by it and dumps me.

-I’m no damsel in distress. I think guys like girls who come across as helpless, and whiny because these types are ego strokers. like a chick who is always in crisis is probably going to be the one to tell you how great you are 24/7, and will kiss your ass. I’m too busy getting shit done. I’m not a crisis chick.

-I’m broken and i dont need you to fix me.

 

xoxoxox- Jaclyn

 

College Confessions.

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(Teen.com)

#1.) I had a chance to screw my Philosophy TA, he had these really cool ice blue eyes, but I chickened out. Buck, Buck.

#2.) I had a ton of awesome sex.

#3.) I didn’t do any drugs, and really didn’t drink all that much. I was too busy getting laid.

#4.) I learned how much I hate lube.

#5.) One time I was really drunk, and I walked into the bathroom and this girl licked the side of my face like a dog, but my reflexes were too slow to do anything about it.

#6.) I used to force myself to throw up when I was drinking, because I didn’t want to gain weight. It didn’t help.

#7.) I used to load myself up on Redbull and coffee because they calmed me down. This was before I realized I had ADHD.

#8.) I hooked up with a guy who had a mirror on the side of his bed like Patrick Bateman. He was pretty hot, but a complete asshole.

#9.) I fell in love. <3.

 

Why I Dumped You

Roses aren’t always red, violets are actually a shade of purple not blue, and these are a bunch of reasons why I dumped you.

  1. You were intimidated by the fact that I am pretty bright.
  2. You tried to alter my comedy because you could not comprehend my jokes. Not everyone is going to like my humor, but many people have given me compliments on my joke writing, and the ability to go on stage and say “smart” jokes.
  3. You tried to get me to believe I had to “dumb” myself down on stage. I don’t play into stereotypes. I am so much better than that.
  4. You were only using me for sex, and had zero interest in anything I had to say.
  5. You spent too much time on your cell phone when we were together. This is rude and disrespectful. I should not have to point it out. You are an adult and should know by now that behavior is rude.
  6. I am more successful and make more money. I need someone more on my level. I can’t date someone who complains about paying $3.00 to park. It is unattractive.
  7. You are incredibly jealous. I am not a fan of someone reading my text messages, snooping at all of my instagram photos, and making snide remarks about the men I associate myself with.
  8. You were way too needy. I am busy. Sometimes I don’t have time to talk on the phone or be annoyed by your childish complaints.
  9. You were too immature. Sometimes I felt like I was conversing with a teenage boy and not a 29 year old man.
  10. You have a non-progressive view on female sexuality.
  11. You do not know how to be professional.
  12. Our taste in humor will always clash. I don’t really like humor that is easily accessible. So premises like “I am broke, I hate ho’s, I got fired, I am a loser” irritate me.
  13. I liked your friends more than you.
  14. You told me I should be “ghetto” on stage. I am not “ghetto”. I grew up in the suburbs. If I went on stage and acted “ghetto” the audience wouldn’t buy it.
  15. You don’t understand joke writing and said “I over think it”! I do not over think it. I just understand every joke needs a PREMISE + a PUNCHLINE! I carefully construct my jokes. I do research. I change the wording. I use my art to convey a certain message.
  16. You have this idea in your head that certain subjects are off limits. In my opinion, no subject is off limits. You just have to write the joke correctly. Topics like suicide, murder, death and mental illness can ALL be funny when they are written well.
  17. I am going back to dating older guys now.

Love Jaclyn