Oh…go Fuck yourself.

-Shit that irks me in comedy.

-I think people are overly sensitive, like seriously, I was raised by two New Yorker’s..I don’t give a fuck about your feelings. I just want you to listen and understand my point my view. You don’t have to necessarily agree with me, but hear me out. I’m a clever asshole.

-I think some people fear a female asshole. Like they want a woman to go on stage and just self depreicate  or be overly sexual. I love dirty jokes, but I like to be filthy in a squeaky clean way. I like mind fucking people. It’s fun. It’s a drug. It’s power.

-I can come across as self-entitled, but I’m not. I am just an asshole. I’m a special kind of an asshole though, I like to blast the music in my car so I don’t have to hear any sirens.

-I am fairly clean on stage with the exception of utilizing the words fuck and twat. Why? because I feel like it. That’s me BUT BUT I love a good dirty comic, just be dirty with a point not for shock value.

-When people tell me I will get ahead because I’m a woman. Yeah, whatever bro. I will get ahead because I am fucking talented and hard working.girlnextdoor

New Photo on my Facebook: By Kevin Mcyntire

Have you listened to my podcast yet? Please do so. It’s free.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements

#No Hard Feelings

We made it easier for you to find #NoHardFeelings.

Please take a listen, it is FREE!

We discuss shit like Pokemongo, sex with celebrities, sex, the comedy scene, and Robbie’s random visits to the grocery store at 2am.

Take a listen:

 

Pointless Controversy

Many of you may know, the VMAS were on last night. The show was filled with bullshit, attention whores and more bullshit, because MTV has become a network that exploits trash. The VMAs are no longer about music and art. It has become a show dedicated to celebrities causing pointless controversy. Don’t get me wrong, I love controversy, and I understand from a marketing perspective that it keeps stars relevant. I just cannot stand it when they cause controversy just to get their name in headlines. Use controversy to make a statement.

Nobody did controversy better than Madonna, and Miley Cyrus and her revealing outfits are nothing more than a cry for attention. They’re just tits Miley chill out. Madonna’s Like a Virgin VMA performance helped jump start her career, and inspired other artists like Britney Spears to also raise eyebrows during her VMA performances. Remember when Spears ripped off her suit to reveal a flesh colored bra, pants and her thong popping out? It enraged parents across America, including my own mother, but she was trying to reveal to the world she was no longer a little girl, and while Cyrus is trying to convey the same message, she does it in a completely different way. She goes over the top, and she really doesn’t need to. I think it is great when women express their sexuality, but there is a sexy way to do it, and then there’s the trashy way, and I think she always goes for the trashy way, because it’s easy. My generation loves easy. We want what we want and we want it now.

It was Britney Spears's second time at the VMAS--she'd debuted the previous year, singing a relatively tame version of her first single, "... Baby One More Time." But in 2000, she stepped up and changed the game, opening with a cover of the Rolling Stones' "Satisfaction" (which she performed while dressed in a menswear-style pinstriped suit), before segueing into her hit "Oops! ...I Did It Again," and tearing off her shirt, jacket and pants to reveal a surprising nude-tone two-piece bodysuit.

(princesbritneyspearsblog)

Kanye West’s overdrawn out speech was a total publicity stunt, and Taylor Swift’s performance with the most talented woman in the entertainment industry Nicki Minaj was a complete joke. Where has the talent gone? Where is the substance? True artists make statements, they aren’t looking to be hash tagged just for the fuck of getting attention. Thoughts?

Your FAT!

You know that three letter word people often get their panties in a bunch about? NO, I am NOT referring to sex. I am talking about fat. Women around the globe are constantly on a diet, because they look in the mirror and see a fat girl. Do not get me wrong, obesity is a growing epidemic and can perpetuate a number of health problems. The keyword there is health, and the majority of women are not diets for health purposes, their primary motivation is to look better.

This is where the problem arises. I think all women should remove the term FAT from their vocabulary. Never resort to labeling yourself such a repulsive term, because it will only fuel your insecurities. Instead face the problem, and come to terms with the fact that you are over weight and need to shed some pounds. You are still sexy and worthy of people’s respect. Nobody should discriminate against you, or make you feel inferior because of a number on a scale. 

Look in the mirror and pick out what you like about yourself. Then decide upon what you would like to change, and figure out a POSITIVE way to do it. Do not starve yourself, go on some bizarre, wacky, stupid ass diet or attempt to conquer a difficult exercise regime when you can barely do 15 minutes walking on the tread mill. 

You will never look like any other woman, EVER. You are one of a kind; there are no replicas. Isn’t that awesome? Why would you want to look like another woman, when you are amazing? You will never be perfect, because that just does not exist. 

You are already sexy, you only want to lose weight to improve your health, it is not all about appearance. Beauty fades. 

What are your thoughts!

A Girls Guide To Guys On Getting Laid

I think MOST  straight men would agree that sometimes they have difficulties with the opposite sex, that is getting the opposite sex to have sex with them. Wow so many sexes in one terrible sentence. Below are some tips on how to get “laid”.

1. I do not care about what Hollywood tries to shove down our throats, there is a league zone and people typically date & fuck those that are within their attractiveness range. You will rarely see a 5 with a 10, it just doesnt work that way, we are genetically designed to mate with the best looking person we can find. With that being said, I am sure you know where you stand as far as attractiveness goes, go for a girl you think is within the same level as yourself. 

2. Read her body language. If you are on a date with a girl and shes playing with her hair or sitting with her legs uncrossed, chances are she has thought about having sex with you. 

3. Its all in the text messages, if she frequently texts with one word responses like LOL, haha, omg, whatever, you get the idea chances are she has zero interest in sleeping with you.

4. She talks about sex with you, opening up about sex is a touchy subject for most females, we usually do not discuss sex with guys unless we have thought about doing it with them.

5. Place your hand on her shoulder or casually touch her while having a conversation and see how she reacts to you. Obviously don’t go touching her boobs or ass, the shoulder is your best bet. If she does not look at you with a “what the hell are you doing” look its safe to say she is comfortable with you.

6. She mentions other guys around you, this is the easiest way to tell a guy you have zero interest in him or simply do not find him attractive without hurting his feelings. I usually pick a guy that looks the complete opposite of who I am talking with.

7. This is obvious, she sends flirty text messages to you.

8. If you have been hanging out with a girl for a while, everything is going well she is laughing, your having a good time it is safe to say you can kiss her. Personally, I experienced guys lean in and completely chicken out haha suckerrssss! I know that initial kiss is super awkward, and kind of nerve racking but if you feel it in your gut go for it, chances are she wants you to. 

9. Learn how to dress, look like you give a shit. Its sexy we like it when a guy matches his belt with his shoes and shirt it shows he cares. Throw away those jeans that you have been wearing for the past five years that are now torn, have holes in them and are faded because your not getting laid in them trust me.

10. Take care of your body, we really dont care about how big your biceps are or how ripped those abs are, what we do care about is that you put some effort into maintaining a healthy weight. Plus guys that work out are usually better in bed and have more energy,

11. You see a cute girl in a bar, how do you strike up a conversation with her? Well here is the deal if she is with a group of girls that is always a tough challenge because girls are like tigers, we are ready to tear apart any guy with think isnt good enough for our girls. The best way to approach her is to make eye contact with her if she ignores you dont even bother, if she looks back smiles, go over and say hi, simply ask how is your night going? Is this the first time your here? Than ask to buy her a drink, and just have a conversation. Talk about work, music, events that are happening in your city, news, movies etc!

I am not expert, however I do have a vagina I hope these tips help!!

The Big Booty Craze

Big asses used to be “uncool”, “unsexy”, and many white folks associated them with being  “fat”, then this thing called rap music became popular making it awesome to have some junk in the trunk. In the 80’s people were obsessed with aerobics and maintaining a very slim figure (there is nothing wrong with this I am not implying being slim is bad). In 1992 Sir Mix Alot released the song Baby Got Back and it is considered a hip hop classic! It is catchy, funny and entertaining. Some believe he paved the way for people like JLo who’s trademark became her big booty. Before rap, curvier women like Lopez probably had a slim chance of conquering the entertainment world. The subject of this blog entry was inspired by this video TMZ posted, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OA5i05YgyPY yes I know, shut the f*** up, TMZ is a guilty pleasure. Sir Mix Alot said big butts were always popular, I just made them mainstream now the white boys are with me! 

Personally, the popularity of hip hop and seeing big butts praised is beneficial to my self esteem. I will never be a size 0, I am always going to have a big butt and women like Kim Kardashian and JLo showed me there is nothing wrong with having an ass. Like I said in previous blogs, all body types can be beautiful just because you dont have a JLo booty does not mean you are not pretty, we became a society that is obsessed with being thin, and not all of us can have Paris Hilton’s body. She has a flawless figure, but my ass will never allow me to be that skinny it is not set in my DNA! So, high fives to my big booty girls.

Beauty Is Thin & Rich

Good Morning (or afternoon depending on where you reside),

I watched two documentaries both of which can be seen on Netflix, America The Beautiful & America The Beautiful 2. America The Beautiful focused on America’s obsession with beauty, one woman went as far as reconstructing her vagina because her right side of her labia was longer than the left. The second documentary focused on America’s obsession with being thin, the director focused a significant amount of the documentary on a young girl that was a runway model. She was only 12 years old. In the beginning, she explained how she used to get teased by her pears because she was tall and skinny, they called her a giraffe. Than one day she was scouted by a modeling agent, and found her calling. She possessed an extreme amount of confidence for a young girl, strutting down the runway like she was 25. By the end of the documentary she gained a little weight, and was told she had to be thinner in order to continue her career as a runway model. Her hips had to be 35.5 inches. 

There were men in the documentary that explained how they wanted six pack abs because than they could attract more women. They also explained how their ideal woman is slender. We all have an idea in our minds as to what is beautiful, I do not get offended if a man says I like slender women or I like thick women, whatever makes you happy is fine with me. I do have issues with the fashion industry because they force their models into having eating disorders in order to maintain an unhealthy weight. 

Advertising often uses “beautiful” people in order to sell products. I understand that the over saturation of advertisements that are often shoved down our throats can cause us to believe we are not attractive enough. On the other side, I understand why advertisers do this. You have a very short time to catch your consumers attention, the quickest way to do this is by using a beautiful person. If I was going to make a beer commercial or shoot an advertisement for a men’s cologne, I would never use an “average” looking woman. Average does not sell period. The idea behind advertising is to tell men if you wear this cologne, you can get that sexy woman. The same way beautiful women sell clothing, makeup etc. Would you want an “average” looking woman selling your makeup products? I wouldn’t  because the idea behind the image is if I wear this I will look like her and I am sure most of us would agree we do not want to be considered “average.” 

Before you judge me, and think I am a condescending, shallow woman keep on reading. 

They went on to show young girls that came to the conclusion they are not beautiful. They were like “I’m ugly”, well who is pretty? Actresses. This is where I have issues with advertising, it saddens me to see young girls believing they are not pretty because they do not look like what they see on the cover of a magazine. Beauty is so much more than a dress size or how big a woman’s bust is. Beauty is intelligence, beauty is healthy and most of all beauty is genuine. That is what we should be selling to our youth, not photo shopped images on a fucking billboard. 

Thin is often associated with status, one male said that wealthier people often look at overweight individuals and see them as low class. This is completely dumb because there are plenty of wealthier people that are overweight. 

Anyways, I recommend watching them it is very interesting to see how brainwashed we have become. How we believe if we do not meet certain quotas of beauty, we are not beautiful. 

*I do not own the image below*

To watch my videos go to http://www.youtube.com/jaclyntime

Twitter: @Jaclynarmani

Image