College Confessions.

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(Teen.com)

#1.) I had a chance to screw my Philosophy TA, he had these really cool ice blue eyes, but I chickened out. Buck, Buck.

#2.) I had a ton of awesome sex.

#3.) I didn’t do any drugs, and really didn’t drink all that much. I was too busy getting laid.

#4.) I learned how much I hate lube.

#5.) One time I was really drunk, and I walked into the bathroom and this girl licked the side of my face like a dog, but my reflexes were too slow to do anything about it.

#6.) I used to force myself to throw up when I was drinking, because I didn’t want to gain weight. It didn’t help.

#7.) I used to load myself up on Redbull and coffee because they calmed me down. This was before I realized I had ADHD.

#8.) I hooked up with a guy who had a mirror on the side of his bed like Patrick Bateman. He was pretty hot, but a complete asshole.

#9.) I fell in love. <3.

 

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100% REAL Juice, Not from concentrate

Some people perceive me as a self entitled snob. They are very wrong. I’m just an asshole.

I’m real though.

I’m an ADHD scatter-brained space cadette who’s actually fairly bright & quite endearing.

I can’t help it. I can’t hide it. When I do I become unlikable.

I just finished my first year doing comedy…so far I tried out two characters & they both failed. One was an airhead and the other was a narcissistic bitch. They both failed terribly. First of all, I am not dumb and when the audience caught on to this they stopped laughing. I also couldn’t continue to write from an airhead’s perspective, because although I am a total space cadette, I am still intelligent.

Guess what I do now? I GO ON STAGE AS MY FUCKING SELF!!!!! Sometimes I do well, and sometimes I tank. I just cant be anyone other my adorable, charming self. My jokes hit better coming from Jaclyn, and only Jaclyn. I write a lot of dark material. I turned Barbie into a serial killer and have insinuated killing my boyfriends, and they got laughs…because it was me who felt that frustration it was me who delivered those jokes not some fake ass character. FUCK THAT!

This is comedy from my perspective.

#1. The more successful comics tend to be the nicer of the bunch.

#2. The whiny comics are usually the least talented.

#3. Comedy is still mostly men and at my level they ALL talk about the same shit.

#4. I like being on line ups with newer and more seasoned comics. I don’t feel as intimidated and I can still learn.

#5. I love writing. It is my obsession. It’s all I think about.

Here is some stuff I am working on………………

Smart Porn, Jobs I could never ever do, The fact that most women avoid red flags but i create them, Twisted Snow White.

 

 

Performing is a lot like sex.

Boom.

I have come to the realization that performing is very similar to sex. When it comes to performing my jokes, I have issues connecting with an audience that is not automatically listening. Performing comedy is very similar to sex, because if there is absolutely no emotional connection the audience loses their interest. I believe I do this to a lot of men. I frequently take the emotional switch inside of my brain and shut it off, because I believe it makes me powerful. I have the ability to have sex with whoever I desire without getting burned because I don’t let them emotionally inside of me. This has become a terrible habit because it actually makes me quite weak causing me to never be fully satisfied with any guy.

Whether women want to believe it or not, men like emotional sex. They may like fucking too, because it is more taboo and we live in a sex suppressed society but they want to emotionally connect. Trust me. Part of sexual connection comes from how two people communicate with one another. If a guy gets sick of talking with a girl he will eventually grow sick and tired of the sex. Sex cannot keep a relationship. It will keep a guy temporarily around.

The toughest part about comedy isn’t the joke writing. I know how to write a joke, i know how to write pretty good turns and fuck with people’s heads. I have problems emotionally connecting, because I have emotionally tuned myself out. I need to get it back, I need my vulnerability back because you need that with comedy. If the audience doesn’t sense vulnerability then you fail. If a guy doesnt sense some warmth about you during sex they will not stick around. They lose the ability to feel comfortable with you and really open up.To some form of degree the audience needs to open up to you and feel safe.

Thoughts?

 

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

 

 

 

 

 

The Porn Obsession

pornhub logo                                                             (Photo credit: Genius.com)

If you’re an adult and have experienced real sex you probably know that the sex you see in porn is completely fake. It is a bit ridiculous.

I understand that it allows people to live out their sexual fantasies without actually “living” them, but the sex that is portrayed on screen is so fabricated that I really cannot fathom how people enjoy it.

From the over the top fake tans to the breast implants larger than my head to the obnoxious screams the second sexual intercourse begins it’s a distorted version of sex. Why the hell do men like this garbage?

Perhaps, their “porn crushes” might resemble someone they have a thing for in real life. Watching a video of some girl that resembles them might tickle their fancy, but I just do not understand why they find this so amusing. It is so lame!

This subject always makes me think of Don Jon because I love that movie ha. Don makes some remark about men that watch porn watch it because they can’t get laid. This is so untrue. I’ve known guys that could snap their fingers and get a girl in bed with them that watch it.

Thoughts?

Girls that Never Evolve into Women

I’m not a man basher, because my best-friend has always been male. I open up better to men. I like women too, and have always had female friends as well, but women get angry, and overly sensitive about pointless stuff, and I can’t sit there and always apologize for my crass remarks. This isn’t a blog post about me hating women, because of course I do not have hatred towards my own gender, but it’s just my own personal thoughts about why I believe some girls just don’t evolve.

There is a point in every female’s life when she wakes up and realizes she’s a woman. A woman with a strong character, thoughts, and strength. You realize you’re determined to get what you want out of your life, and that you have goals, and aspirations you’re destined to achieve. I saw this around 21. There are some girls that just don’t get it; they remain childish and foolish, throughout their adult years, and wonder why their lives are so messed up.

Women know when they’re in a relationship with a man. Women know when a man is just out to have a sexual relationship with them. There is a major different between an emotional, sexual relationship, and a flat out sexual one. We all view sex differently. Some women have sex with a man, and are instantly emotionally attached, while others just see it as an experience. When you evolve into a woman you can dictate who wants to just sleep with you, and who wants to date you. Sex is not dating. Just because you’re having sex with someone does not mean you are dating them. Why is this so difficult to comprehend? It is so basic yet females want to complicate stuff. Men are straightforward with THEIR ACTIONS! They let you know how they feel through their actions. If he texts you when its convenient for him, ignores you, only has sex with you, isn’t taking you out, you haven’t met any of his friends, he’s just in it for the sex, you’re not in a relationship! You’re certainly not a woman either, because a woman knows the difference, a woman has been through enough experiences to know this.

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Pointless Controversy

Many of you may know, the VMAS were on last night. The show was filled with bullshit, attention whores and more bullshit, because MTV has become a network that exploits trash. The VMAs are no longer about music and art. It has become a show dedicated to celebrities causing pointless controversy. Don’t get me wrong, I love controversy, and I understand from a marketing perspective that it keeps stars relevant. I just cannot stand it when they cause controversy just to get their name in headlines. Use controversy to make a statement.

Nobody did controversy better than Madonna, and Miley Cyrus and her revealing outfits are nothing more than a cry for attention. They’re just tits Miley chill out. Madonna’s Like a Virgin VMA performance helped jump start her career, and inspired other artists like Britney Spears to also raise eyebrows during her VMA performances. Remember when Spears ripped off her suit to reveal a flesh colored bra, pants and her thong popping out? It enraged parents across America, including my own mother, but she was trying to reveal to the world she was no longer a little girl, and while Cyrus is trying to convey the same message, she does it in a completely different way. She goes over the top, and she really doesn’t need to. I think it is great when women express their sexuality, but there is a sexy way to do it, and then there’s the trashy way, and I think she always goes for the trashy way, because it’s easy. My generation loves easy. We want what we want and we want it now.

It was Britney Spears's second time at the VMAS--she'd debuted the previous year, singing a relatively tame version of her first single, "... Baby One More Time." But in 2000, she stepped up and changed the game, opening with a cover of the Rolling Stones' "Satisfaction" (which she performed while dressed in a menswear-style pinstriped suit), before segueing into her hit "Oops! ...I Did It Again," and tearing off her shirt, jacket and pants to reveal a surprising nude-tone two-piece bodysuit.
(princesbritneyspearsblog)

Kanye West’s overdrawn out speech was a total publicity stunt, and Taylor Swift’s performance with the most talented woman in the entertainment industry Nicki Minaj was a complete joke. Where has the talent gone? Where is the substance? True artists make statements, they aren’t looking to be hash tagged just for the fuck of getting attention. Thoughts?

Virgins, Sex and 50 Shades of Grey

50 Shades of Grey finally made its way into a theater near your ass this weekend, and so far it is getting terrible reviews (shocker there), and I have not seen the film yet, however it does spark my interest. I want to see how far conservative Tinseltown went with the steamy sex scenes. I only read the first 100 pages of the book, and it was months ago, I had to stop, because I found it rather annoying, and completely unrealistic. I understand we all have fantasies, but I just don’t like ridiculous fantasies when it comes down to sex.

In the book, the sex crazed maniac, Christian Grey falls for the innocent, virginal, Anastasia Steele (how original *cough*) and from what I read he became obsessed. He was pretty much a stalker, but because he that slim body, a bunch of zeros in his bank account, and skinny fingers it was okay for him to be a total creeper. She was so happy that he was giving her all this attention, therefore the fact that he might be a crazy serial killer or something never even crossed her mind. 

Christian lusts after her innocence. Most men want a virginal innocent female they can teach, and a more sexually experienced one they learn from. In my opinion, I believe this is an enormous issue not only with this book, but in life in general. I think American society is still conservative, and just a wee bit backwards. Women are supposed to look sexual, and be sexy, but they cant be too sexually experienced, or have had too many partners, because it makes them a “whore”. Christian is chasing after someone who is very different from him. The same way many sexually experienced men chase after virginal, or more innocent girls in hopes of finding a more stable relationship. I think some men have this theory in their minds that a girl who has had little, or no sex partners will be a more suitable wife/girlfriend. They see the experienced girl as a recipe for disaster, or maybe they don’t think they can bring her home to their mama. I think this is a bad move. Sex is an important part of a relationship, and if your partner is much less experienced than you it could be an issue. They could potentially bore you, and you know what happens when someone gets sexually bored, or frustrated they’re more inclined to cheat, because they have the emotional connection with someone, but go out and get the good sex elsewhere. It’s a selfish move, but it happens all the time.

To the people who have completed this book, what are your thoughts about the whole freak chasing after the virgin concept?