Pat on the back doesn’t pay the bills.

Below is my expression when I would do well at my jobs, and was never rewarded with cash.

brunette 3

I am one of those people who is incredibly driven, independent, and competitive. Anything you can do I can do better. Seriously. Unfortunately, I can also become the employee from hell LOL. I remember I worked at Ulta for one month when I was 17, and then was fired. I really didn’t give a fuck. Why? The pay was shitty, the discount sucked, and I hated facing. Oh, and they wanted us to get people to sign up for this shitty fashion magazine, in addition to their rewards program with absolutely no monetary gain. You want to motivate people? Pay them.

I worked for an agency. I was hands down one of the most creative people there. I got shit done. I got shit done quick. I was able to get clients on some pretty cool blogs. You think I got a raise? Nope. I quit. Caio!

I’ve worked for people who wrote nasty emails about how I was stupid; they made me cry, they cut like a knife, but you know what fuck them. They were in debt, and hated themselves, so naturally they took it out on someone else. I admit to being a dingbat at times, but I am far from dumb. Nasty comments have only made me stronger. You want to call me dumb? Go ahead. Have fun. TWAT!

I’ve worked around people who are lazy, uncreative, and have no major goals. They make you so depressed after a while. Its like they gave up on life, and the highlight of their year is when Starbucks puts out the holiday drinks.

All of these companies had one thing in common, they failed to realize a pat on the back doesnt pay the bills. If you want to keep a team of MVP’s you have to pay them, and reward them.

XOXOXOXOXO- Jaclyn

 

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I’m not a xerox face.

When I started college, I really wanted to be an anchorwoman. I wanted to be the next Jessica Savitch. I bought her biography, and read everything about her, I had her plastered all over my Myspace…she was so edgy, she was dark, and groundbreaking. She had a cocaine problem, her husband committed suicide, her dad died when she was young, she experienced poverty, she was super sexual, and had captivating eyes. She was broken. I thought she was relatable. I worked at my school’s radio station for a while doing news updates. I would find news stories, rewrite them to fit their standards, and say them on air. Maybe 3 people heard? The ones sitting in the office (laughs). I would always fuck up country names, and people’s last names LOL. I have an accent. I wasn’t cut out for this. I remember back in the day Facebook had this thing where you could tell people things anonymously, and one day someone wrote “I have no doubt when you get your non regional dialect down you’re going to be become one of the best known anchorwomen” I still remember, pretty cool.

The truth is I am not cut out to do the news. I actually really don’t give a fuck about the news LOLLOL. I remember this guy telling the class that oneday we would have sacrifice our morals to boost our careers, and I just can’t do shit like that. I’m really lovely underneath it all. I’m a really good person. An authentic soul. I also didn’t have passion for this. What do I have passion for?

WRITING! & getting attention LMFAO.

Writing is my first love. I liked writing as a child because I could make the world the way I wanted it to be! I could create, and possibly make people feel good. This translates well with comedy; I am a very good joke writer. I also like making people good about shit they are supposed to feel bad about it which is why I write mostly dark humor. I like being the center of attention…I have that narc personality going on and I am quite charming so it all works out.

Also, I am not a xerox face. I have distinct features, and I am kinda exotic looking, which is not news standards. Savitch, Couric, etc they all have a similar looking face, and I just do not exude that type of beauty.

xoxoxoxo- Jaclyn

 

Why I Dumped You

Roses aren’t always red, violets are actually a shade of purple not blue, and these are a bunch of reasons why I dumped you.

  1. You were intimidated by the fact that I am pretty bright.
  2. You tried to alter my comedy because you could not comprehend my jokes. Not everyone is going to like my humor, but many people have given me compliments on my joke writing, and the ability to go on stage and say “smart” jokes.
  3. You tried to get me to believe I had to “dumb” myself down on stage. I don’t play into stereotypes. I am so much better than that.
  4. You were only using me for sex, and had zero interest in anything I had to say.
  5. You spent too much time on your cell phone when we were together. This is rude and disrespectful. I should not have to point it out. You are an adult and should know by now that behavior is rude.
  6. I am more successful and make more money. I need someone more on my level. I can’t date someone who complains about paying $3.00 to park. It is unattractive.
  7. You are incredibly jealous. I am not a fan of someone reading my text messages, snooping at all of my instagram photos, and making snide remarks about the men I associate myself with.
  8. You were way too needy. I am busy. Sometimes I don’t have time to talk on the phone or be annoyed by your childish complaints.
  9. You were too immature. Sometimes I felt like I was conversing with a teenage boy and not a 29 year old man.
  10. You have a non-progressive view on female sexuality.
  11. You do not know how to be professional.
  12. Our taste in humor will always clash. I don’t really like humor that is easily accessible. So premises like “I am broke, I hate ho’s, I got fired, I am a loser” irritate me.
  13. I liked your friends more than you.
  14. You told me I should be “ghetto” on stage. I am not “ghetto”. I grew up in the suburbs. If I went on stage and acted “ghetto” the audience wouldn’t buy it.
  15. You don’t understand joke writing and said “I over think it”! I do not over think it. I just understand every joke needs a PREMISE + a PUNCHLINE! I carefully construct my jokes. I do research. I change the wording. I use my art to convey a certain message.
  16. You have this idea in your head that certain subjects are off limits. In my opinion, no subject is off limits. You just have to write the joke correctly. Topics like suicide, murder, death and mental illness can ALL be funny when they are written well.
  17. I am going back to dating older guys now.

Love Jaclyn

My Art is Dark

My art is dark.

I drown myself in narcissism because I believe I can alter the stars.

I express myself with beliefs that are foreseen as  unconventional

AND I COULD GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOU THINK!

My art, my comedy stems from being a token outcast. I am not really seen as an outcast because I am cute, endearing and likable, but I am pretty odd. I dance to my own beat and if you don’t like it, well too bad.

My anger stems come from the fact that I do not want to be what society has shoved down my throat all of these years. I dont want kids, I hate them. I dont care about getting married. I just want to find a guy I actually like more than three months lol. I get bored very easily.

xoxoxo—Jaclyn follow me on ig @JaclynPassaro

Oh…go Fuck yourself.

-Shit that irks me in comedy.

-I think people are overly sensitive, like seriously, I was raised by two New Yorker’s..I don’t give a fuck about your feelings. I just want you to listen and understand my point my view. You don’t have to necessarily agree with me, but hear me out. I’m a clever asshole.

-I think some people fear a female asshole. Like they want a woman to go on stage and just self depreicate  or be overly sexual. I love dirty jokes, but I like to be filthy in a squeaky clean way. I like mind fucking people. It’s fun. It’s a drug. It’s power.

-I can come across as self-entitled, but I’m not. I am just an asshole. I’m a special kind of an asshole though, I like to blast the music in my car so I don’t have to hear any sirens.

-I am fairly clean on stage with the exception of utilizing the words fuck and twat. Why? because I feel like it. That’s me BUT BUT I love a good dirty comic, just be dirty with a point not for shock value.

-When people tell me I will get ahead because I’m a woman. Yeah, whatever bro. I will get ahead because I am fucking talented and hard working.girlnextdoor

New Photo on my Facebook: By Kevin Mcyntire

Have you listened to my podcast yet? Please do so. It’s free.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Obscene Angst.

 

I’m 28 years old, and I can still be as whiny as a teenage girl who first discovered that tampons are so much better than pads. I still have outbursts of random tears and can feel a euphoria of hormones taking over my body, but now I know why.

It has finally been diagnosed that I have ADHD. I have been struggling with these symptoms for years often frustrating those around me, and pissing co-workers off, but I can’t help it. #Thestruggleisreal and oh so painful.

When you have ADHD you struggle to pay attention, and get distracted by the smallest things, but when you find something you love you become obsessed and focus all your energy into it and making it easy to run over your competition. I am one of those people that is relentless, driven and hates to fucking lose. I can be obsessive. I can be a total fucking nightmare to deal with. I’m a fucking nightmare to date because in the beginning I am so well behaved, interested, happy and after a few months, I’m just like fuck this! I’m bored, I mastered that, I need something new.

When I was in first grade, I couldn’t wait to learn how to write, and read. I love it and because of this, I did quite well in reading and writing. I was reading at like a senior in high school when I was in 6th grade, because it interested me. Then I got bored and was like eh, whatever, fuck this, school is lame, these people don’t know shit…helloooooo junior high! In 7th grade, we were required to do AR, aka this accelerated reader program. The books bored me, I was a bad girl and lied about how many pages I was reading. We were required to take quizzes on the books we read, and I would guess all the answers and of course FAIL! The books were fucking boring, the character were un relatable and I disliked reading. Then I discovered Phyllis Reynolds Naylor’s Alice series. I do not know how these books were placed on the shelves of a conservative school run by Mormons, but they were and I enjoyed them. The Alice series was edgy often talking about sex, but it wasn’t dirty, it was through the mind of a teenage girl, who relatable. Alice was spunky, she was insecure, she was funny, and she was discovering things that I was discovering. I actually read the fucking books and scored high on the stupid AR tests.

As an adult, I struggle to be “normal” because I don’t think like other people do. I never look at minor details, because I don’t really care about them. When it’s my turn to bat, I swing for a home run causing me to forget that you need some doubles in order to win the game. I only care about the big picture.

xoxoxoxox-Jaclyn

(Image: 8tracks.com)

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