Oh…go Fuck yourself.

-Shit that irks me in comedy.

-I think people are overly sensitive, like seriously, I was raised by two New Yorker’s..I don’t give a fuck about your feelings. I just want you to listen and understand my point my view. You don’t have to necessarily agree with me, but hear me out. I’m a clever asshole.

-I think some people fear a female asshole. Like they want a woman to go on stage and just self depreicate  or be overly sexual. I love dirty jokes, but I like to be filthy in a squeaky clean way. I like mind fucking people. It’s fun. It’s a drug. It’s power.

-I can come across as self-entitled, but I’m not. I am just an asshole. I’m a special kind of an asshole though, I like to blast the music in my car so I don’t have to hear any sirens.

-I am fairly clean on stage with the exception of utilizing the words fuck and twat. Why? because I feel like it. That’s me BUT BUT I love a good dirty comic, just be dirty with a point not for shock value.

-When people tell me I will get ahead because I’m a woman. Yeah, whatever bro. I will get ahead because I am fucking talented and hard working.girlnextdoor

New Photo on my Facebook: By Kevin Mcyntire

Have you listened to my podcast yet? Please do so. It’s free.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

TMI- The Office

I am not quite sure how many of my readers work in an office environment, but if you do this one is for you, and if you do not here are a few tips for your future if you shall work in one.

I am writing this post, because I feel like once people get comfortable with one another they think it is okay to reveal private information about themselves, and then try to get the scoop on you. Sorry sweetheart this girl will not be making any headlines anytime soon.

1. Who is fucking who- Some people love to brag about who they are banging especially if it is someone they work with. Come on this is so high school. Keep it to yourself please.

2. Who is cheating on their significant other- I have worked at a few different offices, and yes there is always someone cheating, and it always seems to make it as the “it” conversation like a juicy headline on some gossip magazine. Why is someone cheating that interesting?

3. Discussing your sex life- Sex is an awesome topic to discuss, but not at work. I do not wish to discuss sex in a professional environment, and sometimes I come off as conservative, but it is a defense mechanism. I don’t want my co-workers to know any details of my relationships especially anything sexual. 

4. Why you called out- We all get sick, or take days off, but trying to figure out why people did so a particular time is flat out nosey. If you work in an office environment you have an office busy body that keeps tabs on whatever the fuck everyone is doing even if they are not in the same department.

5. Too much whining- Sometimes I think I am a psychologist, because people LOVE to tell me their problems. They seem to think I am some magical genie and I have the solution to all of their problems stored away in my lamp. Well, sorry sunshine, but I don’t! I cannot help you with your weight problems, or your relationship problems, or your low self esteem issues. Go see a doctor!

Well that is it for now! I am going to be making a video to upload this Saturday, and will continue to make Saturday “Snarky Saturdays” where I will upload a new video! For this week, would you like “top reasons people block you from their Facebook news feed, or horrible songs that need to stop getting air time”. I will also be doing Man Crush Mondays again, and Women Crush Wednesdays starting up again next week! If you are a blogger that would like to get featured on one of those please email me at Jaclynashley79@gmail.com, or send me a tweet @Jaclynashley79

Big Red

I wish for one day EVERY f***ing male could experience the big red, their aunt coming to town, or to properly put it a PERIOD!!!

They will just never understand what it is like to PMS, or spend large amounts of money on tampons! So, in honor of #tbt I have comprised a list of reasons as to why periods sucked in middle and high school.

  1. Participating in gym class. For some damn reason, I always got lucky and had my period around the time we had to do the semester mile, running and gushing blood such a fabulous combination!
  2. Having idiot boys make remarks about how bitchy you are acting. Listen dummy, if you had to sit here and learn some pre-cal formula you will never ever use again while having a double shot of cramps, you would not be all sunshine and giggles too!
  3. Your first period ever. Now, I was a fairly late bloomer, I was visited by the bitch for the first time at the very end of 7th grade. I remember girls complaining about cramps in the locker room, and secretly smiling to myself, because I did not have to worry about it yet. Well long behold she arrived, and I didnt see it coming! Lucky for me she made her entrance while was at home. It could have been much worse.
  4. You get to wear sweatpants on Monday, because nothing else fits. 

I Don’t Like Nice Guys

Nice guys finish last.

She doesn’t like me because, I am nice. She likes assholes.

I am a nice guy, therefore I don’t understand why she doesnt want to go out with me.

I fucking hate it when guys say stuff like this, because it makes them look like insecure little boys. I also dislike it, because I feel like they are summing up who they are with one vague word-nice. WTF!

I also think guys use those lines when they attempted to date someone that clearly showed zero interest in them to begin with. Just because you see yourself as “nice” doesnt mean every girl you wish to date is obligated to date you. There could be a variety of reasons as to why someone doesn’t want to date you- maybe you lack ambition, or your lazy, or she doesn’t feel like you two have anything in common. 

I personally don’t want to date a guy that is always nice, and plays the nice guy card, because I am a great person, but I get moody, bitchy and sassy. I highly doubt a guy that defines himself as the nice guy could put up with me, and I wouldn’t blame him. I need a guy that’s sarcastic, intelligent, genuine, and is not afraid to be an asshole sometimes, because unfortunately, there are times when I have to act like a bitch; if I don’t people will attempt to take advantage of me. 

Happy Sunday! xoxoxoxox

https://twitter.com/JaclynAshley79