Oh Gosh a Letter.

When I was a Freshman in college, I had to write a letter to myself, it contained mostly career goals, and what we wanted from our future. I wanted to be the next Jessica Savitch, and I wanted to start a charity, and save the world. I remember a friend saying “ok Angelina Jolie”. I was so sweet, so naive, and so vibrant. Oh yeah and I wanted a bunch of books published. LOL.

I cannot be the next Savitch, because I really do not have an interest in reporting the news. I cannot write a bunch of books, because I’m not that good of a writer. I’m a good blogger. I can however, write really good jokes. I can make people laugh. I can push the envelope, and get people to see the extraordinary in something that appears to be ordinary.

That’s why I love comedy. Writing is that thing I fell in love with when I was 6. It allowed me to CREATE, EXPLORE, ESCAPE. Performing gives people happiness, but it also makes them THINK. My humor is not easy; it’s clever, and difficult. Some people cant handle it, and I am okay with that. My art is allowed to push people’s buttons, and make them feel. If they cannot handle their feelings then fuck them.

xoxoxoxoxoxo

@JaclynPassaro

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Pat on the back doesn’t pay the bills.

Below is my expression when I would do well at my jobs, and was never rewarded with cash.

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I am one of those people who is incredibly driven, independent, and competitive. Anything you can do I can do better. Seriously. Unfortunately, I can also become the employee from hell LOL. I remember I worked at Ulta for one month when I was 17, and then was fired. I really didn’t give a fuck. Why? The pay was shitty, the discount sucked, and I hated facing. Oh, and they wanted us to get people to sign up for this shitty fashion magazine, in addition to their rewards program with absolutely no monetary gain. You want to motivate people? Pay them.

I worked for an agency. I was hands down one of the most creative people there. I got shit done. I got shit done quick. I was able to get clients on some pretty cool blogs. You think I got a raise? Nope. I quit. Caio!

I’ve worked for people who wrote nasty emails about how I was stupid; they made me cry, they cut like a knife, but you know what fuck them. They were in debt, and hated themselves, so naturally they took it out on someone else. I admit to being a dingbat at times, but I am far from dumb. Nasty comments have only made me stronger. You want to call me dumb? Go ahead. Have fun. TWAT!

I’ve worked around people who are lazy, uncreative, and have no major goals. They make you so depressed after a while. Its like they gave up on life, and the highlight of their year is when Starbucks puts out the holiday drinks.

All of these companies had one thing in common, they failed to realize a pat on the back doesnt pay the bills. If you want to keep a team of MVP’s you have to pay them, and reward them.

XOXOXOXOXO- Jaclyn

 

Shitty People You Probably Worked with.

I have worked countless jobs, and disliked many of them because of the idiots I was forced to pretend to like. Office jobs are the absolute WORST for someone with my personality type. I am a creative space caddet so after a while being in the same environment, sitting at the same fucking desk, doing the same fucking tasks and working with the same people makes me feel suicidal. So, I have comprised a list of shitty people you probably work with or will have the honor of working with.

#1.) The bimbo who does absolutely nothing, but gets ahead because she fucked the right guy. The brutal truth is many people climb up the ladder in their company who are totally unqualified, and have the mind of a rocking chair,because they rode the right dick.

#2.) The moron who is pointless, does not do their job well, but continues to get chance after chance before finally getting fired. I once worked with a moron who told us a story about how some guy put the date rape drug in her drink but she was super stoked he chose her because she was fat. I threw a dart at her head at an office party and her head popped.

#3.) The person who takes their job wayyyyyy too seriously! I once worked with an over competitive chick at a popular sunglass store who was so competitive about selling $200 worth of plastic. I’m sorry but the commission was super low…so I personally gave zero fucks.

#4.) The manager that will forever be a manager at some shitty retail job because they never had the nerve to chase after their dreams, or they had a kid at 20 and got married at 21 and thought their career options were limited. This manager will try and discourage you from chasing your dreams. Don’t listen to them they will always make a few bucks over minimum wage selling t-shirts that were made in China.

#5.) The stoner that sits at their desk and calls you a diva when you message them multiple times to fix your computer!

#6.) The grown up mean girls who talk shit about the people they will never be as good as.

 

 

College Confessions.

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(Teen.com)

#1.) I had a chance to screw my Philosophy TA, he had these really cool ice blue eyes, but I chickened out. Buck, Buck.

#2.) I had a ton of awesome sex.

#3.) I didn’t do any drugs, and really didn’t drink all that much. I was too busy getting laid.

#4.) I learned how much I hate lube.

#5.) One time I was really drunk, and I walked into the bathroom and this girl licked the side of my face like a dog, but my reflexes were too slow to do anything about it.

#6.) I used to force myself to throw up when I was drinking, because I didn’t want to gain weight. It didn’t help.

#7.) I used to load myself up on Redbull and coffee because they calmed me down. This was before I realized I had ADHD.

#8.) I hooked up with a guy who had a mirror on the side of his bed like Patrick Bateman. He was pretty hot, but a complete asshole.

#9.) I fell in love. <3.

 

What College Taught Me.

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I graduated from college earning a Bachelor’s of Arts degree in Film/Media Studies. Some people may see this degree as rather pointless, because it is a rough field to break into, and you can’t really get to the top of the entertainment, or media field without knowing someone who can get you there. It really is all about networking and who you know. College did not teach me anything about education. College taught me life lessons, and helped me figure out how to be an “adult” at an early age. So, for those of you that may think college is bogus, or an arts degree is pointless, let me give you a bit of an insight on what college taught me.

#1.) I am responsible for my own mistakes. I cannot point the finger at someone else; it makes ME look foolish. Nobody forced me to go to class. I was paying to be there. They get their cash whether or not my ass was in that seat.

#2.) It introduced me to kids with different backgrounds. Kids who grew up in different countries, different socioeconomic backgrounds, kids who were second generation American, and so forth.

#3.) Being book smart is great. I mean being book smart will help you earn straight A’s, but being book smart will not make you extraordinary. Remembering what someone else wrote, and having the ability to pencil in the right bubble isn’t that mind boggling.

#4.) College taught me to question society. It taught me to analyze what the media tries to sell, and really helped me not buy into it.

#5.) It helped me find the flaws in Disney movies.

#6.) It taught me how to fail.

#7.) It taught me how to work well with men.

#8.) It taught me how to get along with people I really could not stand. Part of life is learning how to effectively work with people who you dislike.

#9.) It taught me that I hate weed, I suck at beer pong, and I am really better off dating guys that are at least 8 years older than myself.

xoxoxox-Jaclyn

Please follow me on Instagram & Twitter.

@JaclynPassaro

Why I Dumped You

Roses aren’t always red, violets are actually a shade of purple not blue, and these are a bunch of reasons why I dumped you.

  1. You were intimidated by the fact that I am pretty bright.
  2. You tried to alter my comedy because you could not comprehend my jokes. Not everyone is going to like my humor, but many people have given me compliments on my joke writing, and the ability to go on stage and say “smart” jokes.
  3. You tried to get me to believe I had to “dumb” myself down on stage. I don’t play into stereotypes. I am so much better than that.
  4. You were only using me for sex, and had zero interest in anything I had to say.
  5. You spent too much time on your cell phone when we were together. This is rude and disrespectful. I should not have to point it out. You are an adult and should know by now that behavior is rude.
  6. I am more successful and make more money. I need someone more on my level. I can’t date someone who complains about paying $3.00 to park. It is unattractive.
  7. You are incredibly jealous. I am not a fan of someone reading my text messages, snooping at all of my instagram photos, and making snide remarks about the men I associate myself with.
  8. You were way too needy. I am busy. Sometimes I don’t have time to talk on the phone or be annoyed by your childish complaints.
  9. You were too immature. Sometimes I felt like I was conversing with a teenage boy and not a 29 year old man.
  10. You have a non-progressive view on female sexuality.
  11. You do not know how to be professional.
  12. Our taste in humor will always clash. I don’t really like humor that is easily accessible. So premises like “I am broke, I hate ho’s, I got fired, I am a loser” irritate me.
  13. I liked your friends more than you.
  14. You told me I should be “ghetto” on stage. I am not “ghetto”. I grew up in the suburbs. If I went on stage and acted “ghetto” the audience wouldn’t buy it.
  15. You don’t understand joke writing and said “I over think it”! I do not over think it. I just understand every joke needs a PREMISE + a PUNCHLINE! I carefully construct my jokes. I do research. I change the wording. I use my art to convey a certain message.
  16. You have this idea in your head that certain subjects are off limits. In my opinion, no subject is off limits. You just have to write the joke correctly. Topics like suicide, murder, death and mental illness can ALL be funny when they are written well.
  17. I am going back to dating older guys now.

Love Jaclyn