Why I Dumped You

Roses aren’t always red, violets are actually a shade of purple not blue, and these are a bunch of reasons why I dumped you.

  1. You were intimidated by the fact that I am pretty bright.
  2. You tried to alter my comedy because you could not comprehend my jokes. Not everyone is going to like my humor, but many people have given me compliments on my joke writing, and the ability to go on stage and say “smart” jokes.
  3. You tried to get me to believe I had to “dumb” myself down on stage. I don’t play into stereotypes. I am so much better than that.
  4. You were only using me for sex, and had zero interest in anything I had to say.
  5. You spent too much time on your cell phone when we were together. This is rude and disrespectful. I should not have to point it out. You are an adult and should know by now that behavior is rude.
  6. I am more successful and make more money. I need someone more on my level. I can’t date someone who complains about paying $3.00 to park. It is unattractive.
  7. You are incredibly jealous. I am not a fan of someone reading my text messages, snooping at all of my instagram photos, and making snide remarks about the men I associate myself with.
  8. You were way too needy. I am busy. Sometimes I don’t have time to talk on the phone or be annoyed by your childish complaints.
  9. You were too immature. Sometimes I felt like I was conversing with a teenage boy and not a 29 year old man.
  10. You have a non-progressive view on female sexuality.
  11. You do not know how to be professional.
  12. Our taste in humor will always clash. I don’t really like humor that is easily accessible. So premises like “I am broke, I hate ho’s, I got fired, I am a loser” irritate me.
  13. I liked your friends more than you.
  14. You told me I should be “ghetto” on stage. I am not “ghetto”. I grew up in the suburbs. If I went on stage and acted “ghetto” the audience wouldn’t buy it.
  15. You don’t understand joke writing and said “I over think it”! I do not over think it. I just understand every joke needs a PREMISE + a PUNCHLINE! I carefully construct my jokes. I do research. I change the wording. I use my art to convey a certain message.
  16. You have this idea in your head that certain subjects are off limits. In my opinion, no subject is off limits. You just have to write the joke correctly. Topics like suicide, murder, death and mental illness can ALL be funny when they are written well.
  17. I am going back to dating older guys now.

Love Jaclyn

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Good Sex.

I was watching Shameless, and it made me think about the great sex I used to have with this green eyed hunk.

When I was 21, I fell in love. I thought this guy was everything…well sexually LOL. He taught me what really good sex was and ever since him I have not found someone as wonderful as him.

#1.) Foreplay. It assists in making the sex more passionate. It also shows the guy is willing to take his time, and isn’t trying to rush things so he can get to the finish line faster.

#2.) When you’re both in sync with each other on an emotional level.

#3.) When you’re both willing to try new things.

#4.) Good kissing. A guy who is a fantastic kisser is like the ultimate turn on.You would be surprised as to how many are terrible kissers.

I Would Never Marry Someone That Is Ugly.

At first glance you make think I am shallow, mean, and superficial, however I believe I am human and only doing what genetics forced me to do. I would never marry someone that is ugly, because I believe you have to be physically attracted to the person you are spending your life. A superficial person marries someone because they are attractive or for their money. This is something I have zero desire to do. It would be a waist of my time, I want someone that has a personality that complements mine, and has an appearance I find attractive. 

I also do not believe beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Most of us know where we stand in terms of our attractiveness level. There is scientific evidence to support that how attractive a human is correlated with their facial features, hip to waist ratio, and skin. People tend to mate within their own attractiveness level, and I do believe this is true, of course there are some exceptions to the rule. 

I am sure most people would agree with me that they would not marry someone they did not have physical chemistry with, because that is a disaster waiting to happen! I also would never marry a guy who is not as intelligent as myself. I may act like an idiot, and say foolish things sometimes, but I am quite a brain. I am funny, sarcastic, snarky, and a total spit fire. People like me are tough to handle, which is why I am a pain in the ass to date.

I know one day I will find someone to handle me until than in the words of Madonna, second best is never enough you’ll do much better baby on your own.