Crisis Chicks.

Pretty much all of my relationships fail. There are gum balls that have lasted longer than some of my relationships. There are people who often wonder why I don’t have a boyfriend. I am fairly bright, self sufficient & I’m not ugly. Well here’s the deal I’m a pain in the ass.

-I am not one of those broads who likes every damn photo of the guy I am with.

-I am not some broad who is going to tell a guy how amazing he is 24/7. I’m not like that. I just expect the guy to know I really dig him. I mean I send them kissy face emojis what more do they want?

-I have ADHD & well I’m narcissistic. But Im not the type of narc that hurts people intentionally to get ahead. I could never do that. It would make me feel awful.

-I get easily distracted and bored. My shrink asked me if I have ever suffered from depression, and anxiety. I know I have anxiety, because I bite my nails all the time, and have done so since I was a child. I also used to pull my hair out as a kid anytime I got sick because my mom made me feel so scared. I used to get really high fevers, and would be sick for weeks, and she made it much, much worse. I don’t think i have depression….I explained to her that whenever I have an office job…eventually i start to cry everyday…and she said because you constantly need to be stimulated. So, this also applies to dating. If a guy cant stimulate me I get distracted and bored. And then dump him, or he gets annoyed by it and dumps me.

-I’m no damsel in distress. I think guys like girls who come across as helpless, and whiny because these types are ego strokers. like a chick who is always in crisis is probably going to be the one to tell you how great you are 24/7, and will kiss your ass. I’m too busy getting shit done. I’m not a crisis chick.

-I’m broken and i dont need you to fix me.

 

xoxoxox- Jaclyn

 

Good Sex.

I was watching Shameless, and it made me think about the great sex I used to have with this green eyed hunk.

When I was 21, I fell in love. I thought this guy was everything…well sexually LOL. He taught me what really good sex was and ever since him I have not found someone as wonderful as him.

#1.) Foreplay. It assists in making the sex more passionate. It also shows the guy is willing to take his time, and isn’t trying to rush things so he can get to the finish line faster.

#2.) When you’re both in sync with each other on an emotional level.

#3.) When you’re both willing to try new things.

#4.) Good kissing. A guy who is a fantastic kisser is like the ultimate turn on.You would be surprised as to how many are terrible kissers.

Bad Sex…

What is bad sex? Bad sex is when you would rather read the encyclopedia than be intimate with that person. Bad sex is when that person can’t get inside of your mind, and screw you. You get my drift? Here is a list I created from my personal sexual experiences.

#1.) Your sex partner is inexperienced, but feels the need to dominate. Someone who is sexually inexperienced should back off, and learn from the person who has been around the block a couple of times. As a heterosexual female, I have only been intimate with males, so this issues might be more common for us straight girls. It may be a bit rough for a male to back down, but if they’re secure enough, they’ll let the woman take charge.

#2.) Being completely oblivious to your partners wants and needs. The female body is not the same as a male (you’d think this would be obvious-I thought so too) but we can’t just walk into a room and have you stick your dick in us! We need to get turned on.

#3.) Personally, I strongly dislike when a guy wants to be all of over me the second I walk into a room. It is unattractive, and border line annoying. I like a guy that holds off, observes my mood, and lets me do the initiating. I am not shy.

#4.) There is zero emotional connection. For me I need some sort of an emotional connection. It makes sex seem less calculated, and more animalistic.

#5.) They watch WAYYYYY too much porn! I do not have any problem with a guy watching porn. I do have a problem with them thinking its real, because its not. It’s fake. If you think I am going to scream like a school girl getting fucked the second you enter me you have another thing coming.

 

 

I Find Don Draper So Relatable.

I love Don Draper. He is sexy. He is witty. He is completely fucked up.

Don Draper is a marketing genius, and the type of man every man secretly wishes they could be. On the surface, he wreaks of perfection, but beneath the perfectly tailored suit and shadow of smug is a man who is painfully miserable.

First of all, Don doesn’t think love exists, and I agree. I don’t think people fall in love, I think they think they are in love.

Don consistently cheats on his wife, and I do not think it was just about sex. I think Don never found his equal, and throughout the series each woman was a clear representation of what he was missing in his life. Betty Draper was a cold-hearted bitch who lacked emotions. This is quite ironic, because a substantial amount of Don’s job was making people “feel” through advertising.

Midge Daniels was edgy and exciting. She smoked weed, had casual sex and made her own money. You think Betty would have touched Mary Jane? Maybe if it would have prevented wrinkles.

Candace, the prostitute. She slaps Don and for a split second he knows what it is like to feel dominated. Don always has to be the boss and tell everyone what to do. At least he wasn’t married at that time.

I can relate to Don Draper, because like him, I do not think I am capable of finding a guy who has everything I desire. I think all men are large puzzles, and the finishing piece is always missing.

 

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Mirror, Mirror On The Wall, Who Is The REAL Victim After All?

Are you happy with who you are? Confident? Intelligent?

If you said yes, you probably intimidate some people. People often fear what they can, and will never be.

I would like to dedicate this blog post to “nice” people, particularly men.

I dislike many “nice” guys because one too many have fucked me over, or used me. “Nice” guys are not super nice; they are conniving users. I speak of this from my PERSONAL experiences; I AM NOT SAYING YOU CAN’T BE NICE AND LEGIT BE NICE. I am trying to convey my personal experiences with manipulators.

Nice guys often play the pity me, pity me, victim card to make people feel sorry for them, because when they get the fake pat on the back and feel validated. They never see that the pat on the back is temporary and their unhappiness that chills beneath their skin shall remain. Pretending to be a fake, nice person does not get you love; it gives you a false sense of reality. You know what gets you REAL love? Being yourself and being unapologetic about it. When you can be honest with those around you and they still love you; it is love. When someone can put up with all of your flaws, point them out but still hug you, that is love.When someone texts you just to find out how everything is and supports you- it is love. Users sometimes do this until they get what they want, then they move on, because all they were doing was giving you the same temporary approval they seek themselves.

I don’t play the victim card, because I am way too old for that shit. I figured out along time ago that playing the role of the helpless, dumb victim attracts people who are just like that! They have no interest in saving you.

I am often painted as the villain. I can be stand offish, unfriendly and people mistake that as snobbery. I am stand offish until I feel a sense of safety. I don’t think I am better than anyone, and I am far from judgmental. I just have to observe. I hate most people, and I am not very trusting.  People do not go awwwwwwwww poor Jaclyn when they see me.  I do not expect them to.

Now there are people particularly males who love to make everyone around them feel sorry for them, and if I happen to go to toe with them, I am vilified. I don’t think this is fair.

So, mirror, mirror on the wall who is the true victim after all?

Saying stuff like “you’ll never go out with me, or girls like you don’t like me, or nobody likes me, or I am not good enough for you, and so forth” are often signs of conniving behavior. The guy is trying to make you feel sorry for him so you have sex with him. You do not need to be placed on a pedestal by anyone, because if you love yourself, you are already on one.

xoxoxoxoxxo.-Jaclyn

heathers

Clingy, No Thank-You

 

I hate tons of stuff. I hate it when people walk slow, I hate people who are up your ass when you’re trying to back out of a parking space, I hate rain, I hate feet, I hate the smell of the AM, I hate it when people snore, and I cannot stand clingy men. Ugh. Ugh.

Double Ugh.

Triple ugh, ugh, ugh.

I tend to attract them though. I have no idea why. I am EXTREMELY independent. Sometimes I enjoy being alone, and unfortunately clingy fucks just do not get this.

How to spot a clingy fuck.

#1. As soon as you start dating them all they do is talk about you on social media.

#2. They text you all day long.

#3. Suddenly their whole world revolves around you. I admit I am narcissistic and I love a good ego stroke, but after about a week of this garbage I am over it.

#4. They’re insecure. They say ridiculous stuff like “how many boyfriends do you have?” “You can do better than me”. I have a fiery personality, and a great ass, of course I can.

 

How do you spot clingy fucks?

Oh…go Fuck yourself.

-Shit that irks me in comedy.

-I think people are overly sensitive, like seriously, I was raised by two New Yorker’s..I don’t give a fuck about your feelings. I just want you to listen and understand my point my view. You don’t have to necessarily agree with me, but hear me out. I’m a clever asshole.

-I think some people fear a female asshole. Like they want a woman to go on stage and just self depreicate  or be overly sexual. I love dirty jokes, but I like to be filthy in a squeaky clean way. I like mind fucking people. It’s fun. It’s a drug. It’s power.

-I can come across as self-entitled, but I’m not. I am just an asshole. I’m a special kind of an asshole though, I like to blast the music in my car so I don’t have to hear any sirens.

-I am fairly clean on stage with the exception of utilizing the words fuck and twat. Why? because I feel like it. That’s me BUT BUT I love a good dirty comic, just be dirty with a point not for shock value.

-When people tell me I will get ahead because I’m a woman. Yeah, whatever bro. I will get ahead because I am fucking talented and hard working.girlnextdoor

New Photo on my Facebook: By Kevin Mcyntire

Have you listened to my podcast yet? Please do so. It’s free.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Snarky Sex

My snarky thoughts on sex.

#1. Casual sex means just that. It’s casual like we are going to get naked and work out, and thats it. There’s no thoughts or emotions that go into it. It’s just sex. So, with that being said…you don’t get to be snuggled afterwards. Cuddling is for people you actually like..why don’t some men comprehend this?

#2. Some guys are completely baffled by #1. One afternoon I went over a guys house had sex with him & then was like see ya! And he looked at me like I was a maniac. I am not a maniac, I can just make sex emotionless. Emotional sex is for guys I care about.

#3. I hate it when guys try to have full blown out conversations with me while we are doing it. It’s like shut the fuck up!

#4. If we have sex and I ignore your text messages afterwards..it’s because I don’t want to hang out with you again…remember actions speak louder than words.#5.

www.facebook.com/snarkybrunette

www.twitter.com/jaclynpassaro

 

100% REAL Juice, Not from concentrate

Some people perceive me as a self entitled snob. They are very wrong. I’m just an asshole.

I’m real though.

I’m an ADHD scatter-brained space cadette who’s actually fairly bright & quite endearing.

I can’t help it. I can’t hide it. When I do I become unlikable.

I just finished my first year doing comedy…so far I tried out two characters & they both failed. One was an airhead and the other was a narcissistic bitch. They both failed terribly. First of all, I am not dumb and when the audience caught on to this they stopped laughing. I also couldn’t continue to write from an airhead’s perspective, because although I am a total space cadette, I am still intelligent.

Guess what I do now? I GO ON STAGE AS MY FUCKING SELF!!!!! Sometimes I do well, and sometimes I tank. I just cant be anyone other my adorable, charming self. My jokes hit better coming from Jaclyn, and only Jaclyn. I write a lot of dark material. I turned Barbie into a serial killer and have insinuated killing my boyfriends, and they got laughs…because it was me who felt that frustration it was me who delivered those jokes not some fake ass character. FUCK THAT!

This is comedy from my perspective.

#1. The more successful comics tend to be the nicer of the bunch.

#2. The whiny comics are usually the least talented.

#3. Comedy is still mostly men and at my level they ALL talk about the same shit.

#4. I like being on line ups with newer and more seasoned comics. I don’t feel as intimidated and I can still learn.

#5. I love writing. It is my obsession. It’s all I think about.

Here is some stuff I am working on………………

Smart Porn, Jobs I could never ever do, The fact that most women avoid red flags but i create them, Twisted Snow White.