She Has Everything & You Hate Her For It.

She has everything. She’s pretty, she’s articulate, she drives a fancy convertible, she’s had every career imaginable, and she managed to fuck a dick-less boyfriend for over five decades. She’s fantastic and she is made of plastic.

She’s a wholesome sex icon. She is one gigantic joke.

I do a whole Barbie bit in my stand up act. It begins with “my parents always bought me career Barbies..they never seemed to get me the one I really wanted..serial killer Barbie. She was too expensive the bodies were sold separately..”

(Photo Credit: Mariel Clayton)

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I truly believe that Barbie was created by a devote Christian because she’s had the same boyfriend for 50 years, and her knees don’t bend.

I think Mattel created a society that mocks society and it all began with monogamy.  I don’t believe Barbie’s “unrealistic” figure should be frowned upon. I think the idea that she’s smokin hot, insanely driven, seems to have it all and only had one boyfriend along the ride is the problem. We are a society obsessed with monogamy and I think this an enormous issue. I don’t care about getting married, or being with the same guy for five decades. It just doesn’t seem fun or realistic.

Barbie and her plastic friends are a representation of what Capitalism and religion have imbedded into our minds. Barbie doesn’t have just any car..she has a pink convertible car, so when she is driving everyone will stare, and probably snapchat it at a stop light. She has a huge mansion in Malibu, a gigantic swimming pool, a Kim Kardashian lifestyle and she never had to get fucked on camera to get it.

I will be performing at Club Privacy at 9pm on October 20th & The Clown House on October 22nd at 8pm in Downtown LA!

I had a great performance at the Ice House in Pasadena this past Sunday… I am trying to get the video so I can post! If not, I will try and film Thursday, or Saturday!

 

xoxoxoxoxox- Dont forget to follow me on instagram! @JaclynPassaro

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Marriage is not interesting.

 

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To me.

I am at that age where all every girl wants to do is get married. I get asked on a regular basis..the infamous when are you going to get married? I do not have any interest in marriage…here is why.

I think relationships are like a baseball game.

Right now I am one of the star players, because, I am young, fast and have the ability to score at a rapid pace. This is not going to last forever. Time will take away my youth and will force me out of the game and when that time comes, I will get married.

Society likes to tell women they must get married in their 20’s because that is when their beauty peaks and they have more shots at finding a suitable partner. Dear society…you can kiss my ass. I think women get hotter in their 30’s and 40’s because they have a substantial amount of life experience under their belt, and they seem to become more sexually secure. I also believe marriage would work better if people settled down later in life. As far as babies are concerned, it is 2016 if you’re financially secure have a kid…you do not need a fancy cake and a piece of paper to determine that decision.

Thoughts?

I have another show coming up on January 24th at 9pm at El Bar. COME SEE ME! There will be lots of great comics!!

 3256 Cahuenga Blvd W, Los Angeles, CA 90068

https://twitter.com/JaclynAshley79 

 

 

 

 

 

#TBT Fuck Beauty

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I was a realllyyyyyyy cute kid, and because of it, I was able to raise havoc and get away with it. Cute kids can pull stunts like that, but it wasn’t my cuteness that people around me focused on, it was my brains. I was always really bright, and incredibly creative, and I still am.

I am alittle sick and tired of blogs, memes, billboards, ads, magazines, etc trying to portray this “we are all beautiful bullshit”, no matter your size, age, color, height, gender, you get it, because it’s bullshit. I want to make a gigantic billboard that says “No matter what you look like you will get old, and ugly” end of story. Why can’t we focus on stuff that actually matters? Cindy Crawford was a super model in the 90s, she looks old, wrinkly, and ugly to me…her looks faded, just like every other pretty girl’s will. They don’t last forever. So, why can’t we focus on stuff that actually matters? Why not teach people that being genuine, is a whole lot cooler than being pretty, and being witty will actually get you farther than pretty. It will also attract people who GENUINELY give a flying fuck about you. Pretty people get used, that’s  one of the reasons why so many of them are screwed up in the head. They are constantly being judged.

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You Wanna Pin Shit & Plan a Party, You Have ZERO Interest in a Marriage!

I think marriage is a huge stepping stone in everyone’s life, because you are potentially committing to one person until the grim reaper decides to take one of you. You are vowing to love one another through thick, and thin, and when times get financially tough. The world is not all sunshine, and rainbows, and neither is any relationship. Marriage is a commitment. Marriage is tough. Marriage is chaotic. Marriage is saying I am going to support this person, and accept their negative qualities FOREVER! Marriage is not a fucking wedding! I think so many people these days want to get married to have a damn wedding, and pin shit on Pinterest. Then the honeymoon ends, and they’re like “what do we do now?” I am bored, or they realize they settled for their spouse because of the pressure from social media and the desire to have an expensive party. I will never settle with marriage, sorry not sorry, but I think settling is the easy way out, and I’m a difficult pain in the ass. I would be so miserable ending up with someone I am not crazy about, because of a stupid desire to plan a party. When it comes to tying the knot, I am going to tie it with the right fucking dude who meets all of my standards. I will walk down the aisle with my best-friend, and not some guy in a tux that was willing to buy me a ring, because I know better than that!

Sappy Stuff

1. Karma is an asshole, period end of story. People who are dickheads in life always get some sort of rude awakening.

2. When the game is over the king and the pawn go back into the same box. We all want to be the best we can be, and strive to get to the top of the ladder (including myself), but keep in mind you are no better than anyone else, and in the end we all end up worm food.

3. Don’t waste your time working a job you hate. There is another job out there that can pay your bills. 

4. Be innovative and always thinks differently.

5. Don’t marry someone because you want a damn wedding. Marriage is not a big fancy party; you should marry someone you can’t live without.

6. Some people are not going to like you; its part of life.

7. Some people are going to be envious, or intimidated by you. Take it as a compliment, because its not worth any sort of a headache.

8. Never sacrifice your morals for money.

Life is Short. Have an Affair.

That’s the tag line to one of the internet’s most infamous “dating” websites. I learned about this website over the weekend after discovering the owner, Noel Biderman on Dr. Phil. This man has earned himself a fortune by helping married people have affairs. I think cheating is terrible, because obviously it is dishonest, sneaky and immoral, but it is even the worse when someone cheats on the person they vowed to love forever. I believe that if an individual is unhappily married they should get a divorce like half of my family members. 

Most people would agree with me that cheating is wrong, however other people might be like you have no idea what it is like to be married once there are children, and a house involved shit gets complicated. This is the reason I believe unhappy married people get the urge to just cheat. It is much easier to cheat on the person you are married to than divorce them.

Noel’s website provides readers with the top cities that people have affairs in, and Los Angeles was the winner (are you surprises I’m not) but Phoenix earned itself the third slot. I was a bit shocked when  I learned that married women cheat almost as badly as men! We frequently see women as the victims of infidelity, but very rarely do they exposes as the one committing it. I am curious to interview Noel strictly to discuss infidelity. I would love to learn during what stage of a marriage do people begin cheating, and the traits of a serial cheater!

Marriage Can Wait

Now that I am approaching my late twenties, I am noticing a trend among my female peers, they are becoming desperate to tie the knot. The frightening 30 is just around the corner. They are desperately trying to find “the one”, the perfect dude that is going to give them an over-priced piece of jewelry to showcase his never ending love for them. They are going to have an expensive party and live happily ever after. Yeah, okay, call me bitter or a bit too snide, but I do not relate to these females. I understand that women were designed to want babies, and our chances of getting pregnant weakens as we age, but I do not comprehend this idea that we have to just find someone quick and boom get married. Personally, I am not mature enough to handle marriage, and I have never dated someone yet where I thought to myself “hmmmm I want to have sex with you for the rest of my life and love you forever”. It just hasnt happened yet and I am not marrying someone until I know I am hopelessly in love with them. I dont settle, I am too fucking stubborn. I am also not insecure about my age, because I think women get hotter in their 30’s and 40’s. How can you compare Sophia Vergara with Ariana Grande? Angelina Jolie to Megan Fox? I think Jolie is sexier.

I still look like a baby. People always think I am like 19 or 20. I am not sexy or hot. I am still just cute. I think I will get more attractive and womanly as I age. Maybe then I will be ready for marriage, right now I am just dating and finding myself. I believe in getting married for the right reasons, not because you think you will be alone forever if you dont, or because you think your looks are about to expire and you need a husband, or wife. 

Another reason why people foolishly get hitched is because they think they don’t have other options. I am serious! There are billions of people in this world and there is at least a few that want to date you. 

Anyways, I am a stubborn, sassy girl and I don’t believe in making a life changing decision because of silly reasons! What are your thoughts on marriage?