Love, I guess.

Everyone’s version of love is different, and I think because my parents relationship was really bad it really gave me a distorted view on love. Here is what I can say about it.

#1.) I remember the first time I fell in love. The guy had murder stories taped to his fridge, and we fucked to American Psycho. HAHAHA. He used to have random nose-bleeds, and liked eating quesadillas. I thought he was the greatest thing ever for a while until I outgrew him. He never wanted to get married, and he hated kids. At this point in time I thought he was a weirdo, and personally wanted to eventually get married and possibly have kids.

#2.) I remember the first guy who told me I was beautiful & truly meant it. We were laying in his bed, I remember looking over and seeing all the prescription pills he was taking.

#3.) My high school boyfriend had the best lips ever, no guy since then has had lips like those. But he is married now, and a plumber, and looks like the next door neighbor on Home Improvement…I think I outgrew that too. 🙂

#4.) The guy I lost my virginity to, could tell my hair smelled like vanilla, I thought it was romantic.

#5.) My first kiss overdosed on drugs.

#6.) My first boyfriend died, i think he committed suicide.

#7.) I dont like men who won’t fight with me LOLLOL. They annoy me.

#8.) I won’t date a guy who isn’t financially stable.

#9.) I won’t date a guy who is insecure.

#10.) I am no longer dating any guy who doesnt see how great I am, or is so insecure of losing me he says stupid shit to me to make me feel insecure so I won’t leave him.

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Words of Wisdom…Let it Be

I thought I would write this post up super duper quick before I start this crazy ass day. I know a thing or two about life.

#1.) Communication is crucial for any type of a relationship. Whether it is a friendship, a co-worker, or someone you are dating, a lack of communication can cause a lot of trouble.

#2.) Not everyone is going to like you, who gives a fuck.

#3.) You are not going to succeed at everything you want to succeed in you will fail, and that is cool, everyone does.

#4.) Don’t use drugs to make you thin, you will get fat again.

#5.)  You will outgrow friends. It happens.

#6.) We all fucking die, chase your dreams.

#7.) We all fucking die, chase the person you love even if you think you’re going to get burned…

#8.) Sex is super good for you.

#9.) Fucking is cool too as long as nobody gets hurt.

#10.) Sometimes you cannot see the red flags because they are covered by fire works,  enjoy the view anyway, passion is fun.

#11.) If he was a bad guy at once it doesnt mean he is now, people change, people grow.

#12.) If he is a shitty father it shows a lot about his character.

#13) Cuddling is fun, and helps you get good sleep.

#14.) Kissing is the best, it takes you back to high school, nothing like teen love.

#15.) You have to learn from your mistakes, if you continue to do the same shit you’re a fucking moron.

#16.) We all get played, but it makes us stronger players.

#17.) Taylor Swift is usually dead on.

#18.) Guys tell your girl she is beautiful, even if lots of people do, she needs to hear it from you too.

#19.) We all get burned, but it makes our skin stronger.

#20.) Do drugs for fun, not to subside pain.

#21.) Turn your pain into art.

#22.) Try Kombucha its insanely delicious.

#23.) Take long walks.

#24.) Get your oil changed on time.

#25.) Write all your feelings down.

#26.) Cry. It makes shit better.

#27.) Read even if its articles, read.

#28.) Do Cardio.

#29.) Sometimes you need therapy, its all good, so see one.

#30.) We are all flawed, and have issues.

#31.) Learn to be captivated by yourself.

#32.) A litte narcissism never hurt nobody.

#33.) Alittle vulnerability never hurt nobody.

#34.) Its okay to admit you’re good at something.

#35.) Learn to save your money, I am so bad at this I am always broke lol.

#36.) Don’t waste your energy on dumb shit it aint worth it.

#37.) Be a good friend.

 

 

 

Why I Dumped You

Roses aren’t always red, violets are actually a shade of purple not blue, and these are a bunch of reasons why I dumped you.

  1. You were intimidated by the fact that I am pretty bright.
  2. You tried to alter my comedy because you could not comprehend my jokes. Not everyone is going to like my humor, but many people have given me compliments on my joke writing, and the ability to go on stage and say “smart” jokes.
  3. You tried to get me to believe I had to “dumb” myself down on stage. I don’t play into stereotypes. I am so much better than that.
  4. You were only using me for sex, and had zero interest in anything I had to say.
  5. You spent too much time on your cell phone when we were together. This is rude and disrespectful. I should not have to point it out. You are an adult and should know by now that behavior is rude.
  6. I am more successful and make more money. I need someone more on my level. I can’t date someone who complains about paying $3.00 to park. It is unattractive.
  7. You are incredibly jealous. I am not a fan of someone reading my text messages, snooping at all of my instagram photos, and making snide remarks about the men I associate myself with.
  8. You were way too needy. I am busy. Sometimes I don’t have time to talk on the phone or be annoyed by your childish complaints.
  9. You were too immature. Sometimes I felt like I was conversing with a teenage boy and not a 29 year old man.
  10. You have a non-progressive view on female sexuality.
  11. You do not know how to be professional.
  12. Our taste in humor will always clash. I don’t really like humor that is easily accessible. So premises like “I am broke, I hate ho’s, I got fired, I am a loser” irritate me.
  13. I liked your friends more than you.
  14. You told me I should be “ghetto” on stage. I am not “ghetto”. I grew up in the suburbs. If I went on stage and acted “ghetto” the audience wouldn’t buy it.
  15. You don’t understand joke writing and said “I over think it”! I do not over think it. I just understand every joke needs a PREMISE + a PUNCHLINE! I carefully construct my jokes. I do research. I change the wording. I use my art to convey a certain message.
  16. You have this idea in your head that certain subjects are off limits. In my opinion, no subject is off limits. You just have to write the joke correctly. Topics like suicide, murder, death and mental illness can ALL be funny when they are written well.
  17. I am going back to dating older guys now.

Love Jaclyn

Good Sex.

I was watching Shameless, and it made me think about the great sex I used to have with this green eyed hunk.

When I was 21, I fell in love. I thought this guy was everything…well sexually LOL. He taught me what really good sex was and ever since him I have not found someone as wonderful as him.

#1.) Foreplay. It assists in making the sex more passionate. It also shows the guy is willing to take his time, and isn’t trying to rush things so he can get to the finish line faster.

#2.) When you’re both in sync with each other on an emotional level.

#3.) When you’re both willing to try new things.

#4.) Good kissing. A guy who is a fantastic kisser is like the ultimate turn on.You would be surprised as to how many are terrible kissers.

I Find Don Draper So Relatable.

I love Don Draper. He is sexy. He is witty. He is completely fucked up.

Don Draper is a marketing genius, and the type of man every man secretly wishes they could be. On the surface, he wreaks of perfection, but beneath the perfectly tailored suit and shadow of smug is a man who is painfully miserable.

First of all, Don doesn’t think love exists, and I agree. I don’t think people fall in love, I think they think they are in love.

Don consistently cheats on his wife, and I do not think it was just about sex. I think Don never found his equal, and throughout the series each woman was a clear representation of what he was missing in his life. Betty Draper was a cold-hearted bitch who lacked emotions. This is quite ironic, because a substantial amount of Don’s job was making people “feel” through advertising.

Midge Daniels was edgy and exciting. She smoked weed, had casual sex and made her own money. You think Betty would have touched Mary Jane? Maybe if it would have prevented wrinkles.

Candace, the prostitute. She slaps Don and for a split second he knows what it is like to feel dominated. Don always has to be the boss and tell everyone what to do. At least he wasn’t married at that time.

I can relate to Don Draper, because like him, I do not think I am capable of finding a guy who has everything I desire. I think all men are large puzzles, and the finishing piece is always missing.

 

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My Art is Dark

My art is dark.

I drown myself in narcissism because I believe I can alter the stars.

I express myself with beliefs that are foreseen as  unconventional

AND I COULD GIVE A FUCK WHAT YOU THINK!

My art, my comedy stems from being a token outcast. I am not really seen as an outcast because I am cute, endearing and likable, but I am pretty odd. I dance to my own beat and if you don’t like it, well too bad.

My anger stems come from the fact that I do not want to be what society has shoved down my throat all of these years. I dont want kids, I hate them. I dont care about getting married. I just want to find a guy I actually like more than three months lol. I get bored very easily.

xoxoxo—Jaclyn follow me on ig @JaclynPassaro