we all have issues.

I have issues. You have issues. The crazy neighbors that always fight have issues. We all have issues. It sucks, I know but its part of being human.

I have tons of issues, for example, I hate myself for not being more successful at this point in my life. I cry about it ALL the time. I thought I would have a big house by now, and a sports car in my garage, and an endless supply of Fiji water! I thought I would have written at least one best selling book, and I would have traveled the world, and eaten fresh gelato made from a guy who couldn’t speak english. I thought I would have a closet filled with every Louis Vuitton bag ever made. I thought I would  be in love by now, and sometimes I cry because I feel like I have absolutely nothing, but you know what I do have? A handbag filled with mistakes, and that’s important because those mistakes are a crystal clear representation of different learning experiences. And you know what I would be without those mistakes? A lame sitcom character nobody wants to have brunch with.

Various mistakes I made….

I got bad grades in high school. I graduated with a  2.6 GPA. I barely passed math; I would get by with like 60% LOL. I hated math, because it frustrated the fuck out of me. It made me feel dumb, and no matter how many times I asked the teacher for help, or saw a tutor, nothing helped. If I was able to score a 70% on a test, that was an achievement. I did bad in chemistry, because it was boring, and I tuned the teacher out, and I also dicked around during that class. I did alright in English, and History, I think I got B’s, and then came college. It took me 5 years to get a Bachelor’s of Arts degree…LOL. I used to ditch my classes, and I tried to take science and math in the same semester…freshmen year not a good choice. I also had a part time job, and then sophomore year had internships. I did terrible in psychology. I got a D twice LMAO. I was so bored.

In the beginning, I wanted to be an anchorwoman. Until I realized I had too much of an accent, and I really gave zero fucks about the news. I mean…I’m not Katie Couric. I could never be that cookie cutter perfect girl with perfect blonde hair that never has any strays, and constantly don a Growing Pains smile. That’s just not Jaclyn. Also, I remember one day this guy came into class and basically implied we would have to do some fucked up shit in order to boost our careers and ratings, and I’m just not down for that shit. I don’t want to hurt people, because hurting people will hurt me.

I always wanted to be in the entertainment industry. Always. When I was little I used to have conversations with myself in the mirror, and instead of taking me to therapy, my mother thought oh my kid is going to win an Oscar. I’ve always had a vivid imagination. A real kooky one. When I was like 7, I wanted to be a writer. I didn’t know what I wanted to write, but I wanted to be one. When I was 11, I wanted to be a movie director, and an actress. I did take acting classes as a kid, and perform in talent shows, but whatever nothing ever came of it, besides we lived in Arizona, and I never had the ability to get any big auditions. As a kid, I could act. I was a pretty good serious actress, and I wasn’t afraid of showing my sadness, or the anger I had built up inside me, because I was pissed at my parents, or sad that the kids at school picked on me a lot (because they did when you’re shy & awkward you’re just a target). It was a cool way to escape. I always knew that I was far more special than those kids. As narcissistic as that sounds, I knew I had something they didn’t and that was talent, and drive.

I’m also really bad with managing my money, and dating. I’m no picnic. I know that, but that’s okay, because picnics suck. They’re boring. I’m a party. Sometimes I’m the loud party that causes the cops to show up. Sometimes I’m the cocktail party…a bit more serious, and professional. Sometimes I’m a kids party…all sweet and innocent. In the end, I’m still a party, and that’s a good thing. I get down on myself for not being in a serious relationship by now, but in the end it’s not really a mistake. Had I ended up married or serious with any of the guys I have dated, I would have end up unhappy. I wasn’t crazy in love with any of them, and I need to be crazy in love in order to settle down, and some people find that someone when they’re 40! So what! Maybe I am just that girl that finds the right guy when she’s 40!

I don’t have a solid career yet, because I changed jobs a lot LOL. I always wanted a career in entertainment, and ever since I started comedy…..I haven’t gotten sick of it. I’m addicted. I’m addicted to the writing, and character development. I’m addicted to the high that performing gives me. I’m addicted to the kooks I have met doing it. I’m addicted to the DM’s I get telling me how funny i am, and asking when I will be playing in their town. I’m addicted to the feeling of knowing that for the first time I know I am doing something right, and in my heart and soul….I know it is going to work out. I’m struggling…but I just know I am going to succeed.

The biggest mistake I made was believing that superficial things would make me happy. What if I did end up becoming a successful anchor woman, and I had all the material possessions I ever wanted…but I had to so many skeletons in my closet they were busting out the door. I’d hate myself for becoming a monster. I believe I can help people through humor, and I will be financially successful with it. It might take some time but it will happen. I want to do it to help people not to post my yacht on Instagram.

xoxoxoxoxoxo-

Jaclyn

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Words of Wisdom…Let it Be

I thought I would write this post up super duper quick before I start this crazy ass day. I know a thing or two about life.

#1.) Communication is crucial for any type of a relationship. Whether it is a friendship, a co-worker, or someone you are dating, a lack of communication can cause a lot of trouble.

#2.) Not everyone is going to like you, who gives a fuck.

#3.) You are not going to succeed at everything you want to succeed in you will fail, and that is cool, everyone does.

#4.) Don’t use drugs to make you thin, you will get fat again.

#5.)  You will outgrow friends. It happens.

#6.) We all fucking die, chase your dreams.

#7.) We all fucking die, chase the person you love even if you think you’re going to get burned…

#8.) Sex is super good for you.

#9.) Fucking is cool too as long as nobody gets hurt.

#10.) Sometimes you cannot see the red flags because they are covered by fire works,  enjoy the view anyway, passion is fun.

#11.) If he was a bad guy at once it doesnt mean he is now, people change, people grow.

#12.) If he is a shitty father it shows a lot about his character.

#13) Cuddling is fun, and helps you get good sleep.

#14.) Kissing is the best, it takes you back to high school, nothing like teen love.

#15.) You have to learn from your mistakes, if you continue to do the same shit you’re a fucking moron.

#16.) We all get played, but it makes us stronger players.

#17.) Taylor Swift is usually dead on.

#18.) Guys tell your girl she is beautiful, even if lots of people do, she needs to hear it from you too.

#19.) We all get burned, but it makes our skin stronger.

#20.) Do drugs for fun, not to subside pain.

#21.) Turn your pain into art.

#22.) Try Kombucha its insanely delicious.

#23.) Take long walks.

#24.) Get your oil changed on time.

#25.) Write all your feelings down.

#26.) Cry. It makes shit better.

#27.) Read even if its articles, read.

#28.) Do Cardio.

#29.) Sometimes you need therapy, its all good, so see one.

#30.) We are all flawed, and have issues.

#31.) Learn to be captivated by yourself.

#32.) A litte narcissism never hurt nobody.

#33.) Alittle vulnerability never hurt nobody.

#34.) Its okay to admit you’re good at something.

#35.) Learn to save your money, I am so bad at this I am always broke lol.

#36.) Don’t waste your energy on dumb shit it aint worth it.

#37.) Be a good friend.

 

 

 

What College Taught Me.

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I graduated from college earning a Bachelor’s of Arts degree in Film/Media Studies. Some people may see this degree as rather pointless, because it is a rough field to break into, and you can’t really get to the top of the entertainment, or media field without knowing someone who can get you there. It really is all about networking and who you know. College did not teach me anything about education. College taught me life lessons, and helped me figure out how to be an “adult” at an early age. So, for those of you that may think college is bogus, or an arts degree is pointless, let me give you a bit of an insight on what college taught me.

#1.) I am responsible for my own mistakes. I cannot point the finger at someone else; it makes ME look foolish. Nobody forced me to go to class. I was paying to be there. They get their cash whether or not my ass was in that seat.

#2.) It introduced me to kids with different backgrounds. Kids who grew up in different countries, different socioeconomic backgrounds, kids who were second generation American, and so forth.

#3.) Being book smart is great. I mean being book smart will help you earn straight A’s, but being book smart will not make you extraordinary. Remembering what someone else wrote, and having the ability to pencil in the right bubble isn’t that mind boggling.

#4.) College taught me to question society. It taught me to analyze what the media tries to sell, and really helped me not buy into it.

#5.) It helped me find the flaws in Disney movies.

#6.) It taught me how to fail.

#7.) It taught me how to work well with men.

#8.) It taught me how to get along with people I really could not stand. Part of life is learning how to effectively work with people who you dislike.

#9.) It taught me that I hate weed, I suck at beer pong, and I am really better off dating guys that are at least 8 years older than myself.

xoxoxox-Jaclyn

Please follow me on Instagram & Twitter.

@JaclynPassaro

2016- Full of Snark

Good Morning Assholes,

Today is New Years Eve, many of you will be making new years resolutions like promising yourself to lose the 25lbs you have been trying to say goodbye to for the past decade, ditching the spouse in your life that is pointless, or trying to become a “better” individual. I am proud of you!

I must say 2016 was a fantastic year. I made it into my late twenties without murdering anyone. I am getting thinner, and more attractive as I age. In the past three months, I have lost 12lbs, and in 2016 decided to turn into a dark blonde. I really like the transition, because it makes my olive skin tone stand out more, and for some reason I feel like it makes me exude a 1970’s glam look. It is chic without trying too hard. I think true beauty should always seem a bit effortless.

This year was also a fantastic year for me comedically. In 2016, I produced multiple stand up comedy shows, figured out my writing style, and am definitely coming into my own on stage. I found out that audience members do not find me appealing as a character, when they do enjoy my act they respond the best to Jaclyn Passaro. Whenever I excel at anything in my life it is always by being Jaclyn. I also got a great tape of my set which is on youtube!

In 2017, I will be submitting to a few comedy festivals, co-producing a stand up comedy show that will held in a quaint theater in Studio City called Just Comedy and trying to perform as much as I can! It is going to be a great year for me.

Now ladies & gentleman a taste of Snark!

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