If I could write a horror film, it would be entitled Revenge of The Simpletons. I find simple people rather frightening, and a bit confusing. Simple people are contempt with being complacent. They do not think outside of the box and rarely have extraordinary minds. I hate being surrounded by people like this; they make me feel so depressed. They annoy me because they think their point of views are so normal but what they dont seem to understand is what is normal? If I woke up tomorrow in a house in suburbia with a husband, a kid and a baby on the way I would be sad. I wasn’t meant to be “normal”. I was meant to do crazy, cool shit with my life, and I will accomplish anything I said out to do. Simpletons see me as the enemy, or odd, or weird, or wrong and I just see them as pests. Like the mosquito I just want to swat!
#1.) I had a chance to screw my Philosophy TA, he had these really cool ice blue eyes, but I chickened out. Buck, Buck.
#2.) I had a ton of awesome sex.
#3.) I didn’t do any drugs, and really didn’t drink all that much. I was too busy getting laid.
#4.) I learned how much I hate lube.
#5.) One time I was really drunk, and I walked into the bathroom and this girl licked the side of my face like a dog, but my reflexes were too slow to do anything about it.
#6.) I used to force myself to throw up when I was drinking, because I didn’t want to gain weight. It didn’t help.
#7.) I used to load myself up on Redbull and coffee because they calmed me down. This was before I realized I had ADHD.
#8.) I hooked up with a guy who had a mirror on the side of his bed like Patrick Bateman. He was pretty hot, but a complete asshole.
#9.) I fell in love. <3.
Roses aren’t always red, violets are actually a shade of purple not blue, and these are a bunch of reasons why I dumped you.
- You were intimidated by the fact that I am pretty bright.
- You tried to alter my comedy because you could not comprehend my jokes. Not everyone is going to like my humor, but many people have given me compliments on my joke writing, and the ability to go on stage and say “smart” jokes.
- You tried to get me to believe I had to “dumb” myself down on stage. I don’t play into stereotypes. I am so much better than that.
- You were only using me for sex, and had zero interest in anything I had to say.
- You spent too much time on your cell phone when we were together. This is rude and disrespectful. I should not have to point it out. You are an adult and should know by now that behavior is rude.
- I am more successful and make more money. I need someone more on my level. I can’t date someone who complains about paying $3.00 to park. It is unattractive.
- You are incredibly jealous. I am not a fan of someone reading my text messages, snooping at all of my instagram photos, and making snide remarks about the men I associate myself with.
- You were way too needy. I am busy. Sometimes I don’t have time to talk on the phone or be annoyed by your childish complaints.
- You were too immature. Sometimes I felt like I was conversing with a teenage boy and not a 29 year old man.
- You have a non-progressive view on female sexuality.
- You do not know how to be professional.
- Our taste in humor will always clash. I don’t really like humor that is easily accessible. So premises like “I am broke, I hate ho’s, I got fired, I am a loser” irritate me.
- I liked your friends more than you.
- You told me I should be “ghetto” on stage. I am not “ghetto”. I grew up in the suburbs. If I went on stage and acted “ghetto” the audience wouldn’t buy it.
- You don’t understand joke writing and said “I over think it”! I do not over think it. I just understand every joke needs a PREMISE + a PUNCHLINE! I carefully construct my jokes. I do research. I change the wording. I use my art to convey a certain message.
- You have this idea in your head that certain subjects are off limits. In my opinion, no subject is off limits. You just have to write the joke correctly. Topics like suicide, murder, death and mental illness can ALL be funny when they are written well.
- I am going back to dating older guys now.
My snarky thoughts on sex.
#1. Casual sex means just that. It’s casual like we are going to get naked and work out, and thats it. There’s no thoughts or emotions that go into it. It’s just sex. So, with that being said…you don’t get to be snuggled afterwards. Cuddling is for people you actually like..why don’t some men comprehend this?
#2. Some guys are completely baffled by #1. One afternoon I went over a guys house had sex with him & then was like see ya! And he looked at me like I was a maniac. I am not a maniac, I can just make sex emotionless. Emotional sex is for guys I care about.
#3. I hate it when guys try to have full blown out conversations with me while we are doing it. It’s like shut the fuck up!
#4. If we have sex and I ignore your text messages afterwards..it’s because I don’t want to hang out with you again…remember actions speak louder than words.#5.
Have you ever met a straight man and thought to yourself…hmmmmmmmmmmm the only vagina you have ever seen was the one that you gave you life?
The reason why they are not dating, or having any sort of a sexual relationship with a woman is because they lack communication skills. Period. End of story.
Some men just do not get the concept of how to talk to women; I believe they see it as speaking to another species.
If you want to date straight women, then do not say/ or do stupid shit like this:
- DO NOT I REPEAT DO NOT say any kind of remark that could be perceived as a “fat joke”. You want to piss a woman off tell her she is fat. Seriously, we hate that shit. Not only is it offensive, but it is super rude, and will leave you alone in life with your hand.
- DO NOT compare a woman to another woman. It is like dating suicide. I don’t care about your ex or about some broad you loved in high school. The only woman I want to be compared to is myself.
- Do not play the dick card and think it is going to get you laid. I’ve had guys say rude shit to me thinking that it will help them get a first class ticket inside of my vagina. It didn’t work. It only got them blocked on ALL social media accounts. #fuckyou
- If we show no interest in you. We literally don’t give a fuck. It is not that difficult to understand. Move on.
If you have not read previous posts, let me inform you, I am doing stand up! I have two upcoming shows in the LA area, one of them is December 19th and the other is December 29th. Anyways, enough self-promotion.
As a comedian, I believe I can make jokes about whatever I choose. I also believe that it is not okay to write offensive jokes strictly to be offensive because you will not look funny you will look like an unlikable asshole. You cannot go on a stage with a set containing offensive jokes if they’re not fucking funny. I love Anthony Jeselnik, he is definitely my favorite comedian right now. He talks about dead babies, murder, and has a number of sexist jokes. They’re all fucking hysterical, partially because they’re all fake, and I realize he is just a character! Most comedians do not go on stage as themselves…they go on as a character.
People these days get uptight about anything and everything…
One day I will calm the fuck down and settle down. I promise. It just has to be with a guy I am head over heels in love with and meets my ridiculous expectations because I hate settling. I would rather swallow a screw driver than settle.
I am extremely moody and very independent, therefore, I cannot stand clingy men.
I like the thrill of the chase, but when I am not the one being chased.
Dont chase me, you’ll never get me and if you do I will get away. Go find another kill.
I like men with standards.
I like sexually liberated men. For I am not vanilla.
I cannot stand overly macho men but on the other hand cannot stand overly emotional whiny little bitches.
I cannot stand guys that want to fix me or turn me into some domestic pussy cat. You can’t really turn a tiger into a house cat. You accept it or don’t get with it. Plain and simple.
I barely drink and get annoyed by guys that spend countless hours sucking down booze. I find it rather irritating and for me it is an enormous sign of insecurity and I cannot stand insecure men.
I am going to be some guys second wife. I have no desire to reproduce. I hate babies.
I also love older men so I will probably end up being wife number 2. I always had a thing for older guys because I find them more alluring and exciting. They are also more experienced and confident.
The second they try and emotionally abuse me, I will get rid of them. Seriously, men that emotionally abuse women deserve a punch in the face from Ronda Rousey.
I lack patience for this and if I see an early sign of it. It is simply “bye Felicia”.
Once upon a time my family moved from Long Island, New York to Gilbert, Arizona and everything drastically changed.
People in the Southwest are much different than my Italian, Brooklyn parents mostly because too many of them are easily offended and cant really handle the brutal truth. I wasn’t really raised with a filter, I was raised to speak my mind and for those that are offended my what I say I honestly do not care. Here’s a tissue. Perhaps, you just start a gofundme account to buy a backbone.
I get annoyed at people that have issues with the stuff that I say because I really don’t care. I speak my mind and sometimes it’s brutal but why must I say sorry? Usually the rants and complains come from people who take stuff personally, I never really write anything to personally target someone, I’m not a bully.
I am not easily offended, but I am easily annoyed. That is the truth.
To some degree, I am still a feisty teenager and I refuse to let the flame die out. I think being feisty makes me extraordinary and I shouldn’t have to apologize for it. And neither should you.
Why do some people feel the need to tell you how to live your life? When they do this to me it transforms me into a rebelliois teenager that lacks a filter. Don’t tell me how to think or how to live my life because that’s the way you live yours. There is no “right” way to live, so please shut your mouth. We are all unique humans and nobody should feel alienated, or brainwashed into believing the way they are living is incorrect.
The people that tend to do this are usually unhappy. I am not even kidding. So, you’re telling me to live like you but you’re miserable? I guess the saying is true misery needs company and they’re probably lonely. If you’re so lonely find a friend. Please don’t tell the rest of us how to live.
I always have crazy titles, because they make my blog posts appear interesting. I guess you can call it “false” advertising, but whatever, today’s post is about a guy in a red sweat shirt.
I am very much attracted to funny men, because they are usually ballsy, know how to have a good time, and I find it easy to open up to them. I am one of those people that has issues with allowing people to get to know me on an emotional level, because it makes me feel powerless. I have some issues…but don’t we all? Anyways, lets call this idiot RSSD. RSSD seemed really cool, but unfortunately, he made the six year old selling lemonade on the street corner appear mature. We only hung out twice, and it was clearly just that, there was nothing romantic behind our hang outs, we just shared one similar interest, and I am not going to say what it is. The second time we hung out he had the nerve to sit there and stick earphones in his ears, who does that???? I should have just walked out, but I didn’t, I stayed, and I am going to turn a negative experience with a dipshit into comedic inspiration..:)
RSSD is a brat, and at one point so was I. Let me explain, I grew up spoiled, and my parents always catered to me, and gave me more than enough, but eventually I grew out of that spoiled brat obnoxious give me my way or the highway mentality. Rotten people are drawn to those types, and who the hell wants to attract that? RSSD wants what he wants when he wants it and when he doesn’t get his way he acts out like a little boy. Like I did as a child when I threw a temper tantrum because my parents wouldn’t get my a toy I wanted.
RSSD only wanted to hang out with me, because his dick wanted to chill inside of my vagina. I was definitely attracted to him, but wasn’t ready for that yet, and thats when his true colors started to show. That’s when he acted like a child, was in a pissy ass mood, and stuck those ear phones in his ears. My advice to RSSD is if you only want sex be straight forward about it, because you will attract another girl that just wants sex, and then you don’t have to act like a little boy, because you will get your way. My second piece of advice is you’re not 19 anymore, you are a grown man, and should know better by now. You should know that you need to RESPECT women, because clearly you don’t.
Happy Hump Day