10 Things I hate about myself

1.) My nervous habits.

2.) I procrastinate a shit ton if the thing i need to do is something i have zero interest in doing

3.) My poor eating habits.

4.) The fact that I’m attracted to bad men…I’ll never find love.

5.) The fact that I spend too much time crying.

6.) I often love people who don’t care about me.

7.) My blackheads.

8.) My smile.

9.) My forgetfulness

10.) My spelling errors.

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Love, I guess.

Everyone’s version of love is different, and I think because my parents relationship was really bad it really gave me a distorted view on love. Here is what I can say about it.

#1.) I remember the first time I fell in love. The guy had murder stories taped to his fridge, and we fucked to American Psycho. HAHAHA. He used to have random nose-bleeds, and liked eating quesadillas. I thought he was the greatest thing ever for a while until I outgrew him. He never wanted to get married, and he hated kids. At this point in time I thought he was a weirdo, and personally wanted to eventually get married and possibly have kids.

#2.) I remember the first guy who told me I was beautiful & truly meant it. We were laying in his bed, I remember looking over and seeing all the prescription pills he was taking.

#3.) My high school boyfriend had the best lips ever, no guy since then has had lips like those. But he is married now, and a plumber, and looks like the next door neighbor on Home Improvement…I think I outgrew that too. 🙂

#4.) The guy I lost my virginity to, could tell my hair smelled like vanilla, I thought it was romantic.

#5.) My first kiss overdosed on drugs.

#6.) My first boyfriend died, i think he committed suicide.

#7.) I dont like men who won’t fight with me LOLLOL. They annoy me.

#8.) I won’t date a guy who isn’t financially stable.

#9.) I won’t date a guy who is insecure.

#10.) I am no longer dating any guy who doesnt see how great I am, or is so insecure of losing me he says stupid shit to me to make me feel insecure so I won’t leave him.

Good Sex.

I was watching Shameless, and it made me think about the great sex I used to have with this green eyed hunk.

When I was 21, I fell in love. I thought this guy was everything…well sexually LOL. He taught me what really good sex was and ever since him I have not found someone as wonderful as him.

#1.) Foreplay. It assists in making the sex more passionate. It also shows the guy is willing to take his time, and isn’t trying to rush things so he can get to the finish line faster.

#2.) When you’re both in sync with each other on an emotional level.

#3.) When you’re both willing to try new things.

#4.) Good kissing. A guy who is a fantastic kisser is like the ultimate turn on.You would be surprised as to how many are terrible kissers.

Bad Sex…

What is bad sex? Bad sex is when you would rather read the encyclopedia than be intimate with that person. Bad sex is when that person can’t get inside of your mind, and screw you. You get my drift? Here is a list I created from my personal sexual experiences.

#1.) Your sex partner is inexperienced, but feels the need to dominate. Someone who is sexually inexperienced should back off, and learn from the person who has been around the block a couple of times. As a heterosexual female, I have only been intimate with males, so this issues might be more common for us straight girls. It may be a bit rough for a male to back down, but if they’re secure enough, they’ll let the woman take charge.

#2.) Being completely oblivious to your partners wants and needs. The female body is not the same as a male (you’d think this would be obvious-I thought so too) but we can’t just walk into a room and have you stick your dick in us! We need to get turned on.

#3.) Personally, I strongly dislike when a guy wants to be all of over me the second I walk into a room. It is unattractive, and border line annoying. I like a guy that holds off, observes my mood, and lets me do the initiating. I am not shy.

#4.) There is zero emotional connection. For me I need some sort of an emotional connection. It makes sex seem less calculated, and more animalistic.

#5.) They watch WAYYYYY too much porn! I do not have any problem with a guy watching porn. I do have a problem with them thinking its real, because its not. It’s fake. If you think I am going to scream like a school girl getting fucked the second you enter me you have another thing coming.

 

 

Oh…go Fuck yourself.

-Shit that irks me in comedy.

-I think people are overly sensitive, like seriously, I was raised by two New Yorker’s..I don’t give a fuck about your feelings. I just want you to listen and understand my point my view. You don’t have to necessarily agree with me, but hear me out. I’m a clever asshole.

-I think some people fear a female asshole. Like they want a woman to go on stage and just self depreicate  or be overly sexual. I love dirty jokes, but I like to be filthy in a squeaky clean way. I like mind fucking people. It’s fun. It’s a drug. It’s power.

-I can come across as self-entitled, but I’m not. I am just an asshole. I’m a special kind of an asshole though, I like to blast the music in my car so I don’t have to hear any sirens.

-I am fairly clean on stage with the exception of utilizing the words fuck and twat. Why? because I feel like it. That’s me BUT BUT I love a good dirty comic, just be dirty with a point not for shock value.

-When people tell me I will get ahead because I’m a woman. Yeah, whatever bro. I will get ahead because I am fucking talented and hard working.girlnextdoor

New Photo on my Facebook: By Kevin Mcyntire

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#No Hard Feelings

We made it easier for you to find #NoHardFeelings.

Please take a listen, it is FREE!

We discuss shit like Pokemongo, sex with celebrities, sex, the comedy scene, and Robbie’s random visits to the grocery store at 2am.

Take a listen:

 

Snarky Sex

My snarky thoughts on sex.

#1. Casual sex means just that. It’s casual like we are going to get naked and work out, and thats it. There’s no thoughts or emotions that go into it. It’s just sex. So, with that being said…you don’t get to be snuggled afterwards. Cuddling is for people you actually like..why don’t some men comprehend this?

#2. Some guys are completely baffled by #1. One afternoon I went over a guys house had sex with him & then was like see ya! And he looked at me like I was a maniac. I am not a maniac, I can just make sex emotionless. Emotional sex is for guys I care about.

#3. I hate it when guys try to have full blown out conversations with me while we are doing it. It’s like shut the fuck up!

#4. If we have sex and I ignore your text messages afterwards..it’s because I don’t want to hang out with you again…remember actions speak louder than words.#5.

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