10 Things I hate about myself

1.) My nervous habits.

2.) I procrastinate a shit ton if the thing i need to do is something i have zero interest in doing

3.) My poor eating habits.

4.) The fact that I’m attracted to bad men…I’ll never find love.

5.) The fact that I spend too much time crying.

6.) I often love people who don’t care about me.

7.) My blackheads.

8.) My smile.

9.) My forgetfulness

10.) My spelling errors.

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I like to con the audience into loving someone who is deemed unlikable

I like to con the audience into loving someone who is deemed an unlikable villain.

It’s tons of fun. It’s fun to show people how someone who is such an asshole is still worthy of redemption. We are all flawed, and it helps to create comedy.

I play a character who is selfish, sarcastic, and narcissistic, but clever about it. I make some valid points about what is wrong with society often indirectly victimizing myself. It is really cool, and my character continues to grow, and reveal her different layers.

choose to win.

Last week, I was given some crucial advice. I shall hold onto it forever, or until I have Alzheimers, and simply cannot remember the last time I took a piss. I was in class, and the instructor said to me “you seemed angry, and anger means that whatever is pissing you off won, and that girl up there she doesn’t lose, she wins”. To me that shit is deep. It struck a cord, and made me realize that whenever I am angry, and I am performing I BOMB! The audience doesn’t want to see some angry victim. I do well when my attitude is annoyed, because that thing didn’t win. I won.

I think I allow people to get to me. I allow them to upset me, and make me angry. I will give you one primary example: LOVE! Unfortunately, I am very good at picking horrible men, but I don’t necessarily fall in love with them, or develop any kind of emotional attachment, because I am extremely disconnected. I like feeling numb, because I am so emotional, and loving. Love causes me to lose control, and ultimately causes me to crash and burn. For me love is suicide. I really liked this one guy, and he was a poor choice. But I instantly felt a connection,  I saw fireworks, and I became attached. I was attached to someone who jokingly called me a blow up doll, attached to someone who showed his co-workers private messages (don’t worry there were no photos), and when it pissed me off, he said they don’t know who you are. I felt so hurt. I felt like a loser. I felt like a moron. I felt angry at myself for allowing someone to speak to me like that, but you know what hurts more? Whenever I go to Sephora and they’re out of my favorite lipstick. See what I did there? I took pain and turned into humor. And whenever someone hurts me, and I’m on stage saying a joke about them, and I ultimately win, and the audience laughs…it is the ultimate FUCK YOU! Because I choose to win. And from now on I’m not going to let any dipshit cause me to feel angry especially when he doesn’t care about me. Fuck em I’m too good for that shit.

My New Years Resolutions….

#1.) Stop being so impulsive & hot headed. Stop & think about what you’re about to do before you do it.

#2.) Listen to what other people say, and try to be less self centered.

#3.) Be nicer to the people who adore you they aren’t gonna be around forever.

#4.) Communicate better in relationships.

#5.) Don’t buy stuff you don’t really need.

#6.) Drink more water.

#7.) Don’t be afraid to tell shitty people to fuck off.

#8.) Own up to the fact that you experience depression spells.

#9.) Stop turning your sadness into anger because you think it makes you feel more powerful. It doesn’t.

#10.) It’s okay to cry & let other people see you cry. I know it embarrasses you but everyone cries.

#11.) Humor is not always the bandage to cover up pain.

I thought i was a unicorn but I’m really a pigeon WTF…..

Last week, I stumbled across this book entitled “Men Don’t Love Women Like You”. I have no idea how I came across it, as I Google tons of shit all the fucking time, but needless to say I am glad I did. I can’t put it down! Everything this guy says is completely relatable, and there are so many things I do wrong in terms of dating.

For starters, he goes into major detail about how NOT to become a placeholder. A placeholder is a girl a guy is dating, but deep down he will never be truly committed or emotionally devoted to her. He said a guy will make you his girlfriend even if you’re just a placeholder, some men have even fucking MARRIED placeholders! WTF. He goes into great detail about signs you’re just a placeholder, and how to avoid becoming one. (I dont feel like writing them too long)

Here is the part that truly captivated me…ok so, I’m a NARC, and like most NARCS I think I am special. Like a unicorn, like no guy in the history of mankind has ever met someone like me..well turns out in the world of dating I’m a PIGEON LOL. He explains how if you start dating a guy….chances are he has dated someone similar to you..women tend to tell men too much in the beginning, we let our guard down if we feel too comfortable too fast…and that gives the guy power. So, all he has to do is go ok Jaclyn is an Alpha like Tina was, but she is also a dipstick like Melanie was and BOOM he figures out how to play me, if I reveal too many details too quickly.

Here is ANOTHER kicker! I’m a Millennial, and men of my generation are royal fucks. I hate most of them. So, I usually date Gen X, because I like my men a little bit older (35-38 range). These guys know how to DATE you. They’re usually not the Netflix and Chill type unless they’re broke losers. When a guy takes you on multiple dates and does not try to fuck you usually assume he likes you for more than just sex. WRONG. If you sleep with him after six dates, and he loses interest right after the sex, or his behavior changes…it was about sex all along, he just had a more gentlemen approach about going about it. But he still just wanted to get that D in your V 🙂

Kicker #2. I dated one broke loser last year, and after him I will never ever date a guy who is not financially stable. Ever. Financial stability is #1 on my check list. The author sides with me. The author hates dating apps, because he knows you only attract the loser Netflix & Chill types. He is all about a girl going on dates, and guess who should pay? The man. The broke loser I dated never took me out, and was totally clueless about how to be a real man. Part of the reason as to why I dumped him was because he was broke. The others were he was stupid, insecure, and jealous. I am at the point in my life where I dont have time for broke. I have a lot of choices when it comes to dating; I will never settle for a broke loser.

I am learning about ALL the things I do WRONG! Like this last dude, I opened up to him too fast, I liked him, got emotionally attached, and allowed him to fuck with me. I was in la la land, and he did not feel the same way, I was a placeholder, and because I really liked him..I ignored the red flags. Because he made me feel good. After reading this book, I will never be a placeholder again. FUCK THAT NOISE.

I have a whole new way of looking at dating, and the way I approach it. I also learned that I can be a really shitty partner LMAO. Like I am a total bully sometimes, and a huge brat. I try and boss men around to get them to do what I want, and for years I got away with it, or thought I did. Its probably one of the reasons as to why I get dumped a lot. I am also not as good with communication as I thought I was ooopssss! You can’t assume everything, or Google the answers to shit (thats what I do because I have trust issues) you have to ask the person you are dating straight up. With this last guy we shall call him LB. I should have asked LB if he wanted a relationship with me, or saw one in the near future…but I didn’t. I assumed he did not want one because of his behavior. I felt like I was getting dicked around, but I never came out and asked him the question. After reading this book, even if he entered a relationship with me it would have been a complete waste of my time because I was just a placeholder. He even told me I wasn’t his type. I could have wasted months of my life on this guy because he made me “feel” good. I am so glad I came across this book, I will never make the dipshit mistakes I have made in the past….those days are overrrrrrrrr.

I have a new date coming up soon, and will approach it a whole new way 🙂

The book is $10 on iTunes…buy it 🙂

Words of wisdom part 2

#1.) Do cardio. It makes you feel refreshed and helps clean your mind.

#2.) Who gives a fuck about what other people are doing. They bullshit online anyways focus on yourself…..

#3.) Just because someone isn’t right for you doesnt mean they’re wrong for someone else. We are not all compatible.

#4.) Love is really fucking hard, and really fucking strong. Feelings can cause a lot of pain.

#5.) Don’t be judgmental. You dont know the shit someone has gone through to make them the way they are.

#6.) Give lots of hugs.

#7) Learn to forgive people.

#8.) Ignore your phone every once in a while.

 

My Comedy Rules & Goals

So, as my comedy act continues to grow, and my voice continues to strengthen, I am developing my own personal comedy rules & goals.

#1.) Keep writing. Always. Everyday you are growing, and becoming more knowledgable, and this should be seen in your jokes. Always.

#2.) If someone isn’t as strong as you don’t listen to them. It’s okay to admit you’re talented because you are. Your brand is starting to grow, and people who are not as talented should butt out of your business.

#3.) Never ever tear down someone’s appearance in a joke. Do not do this to males or females. Sure you have made fun of people’s appearance in your life, yes, who hasn’t but for the stage you go after people’s character, you go after how stupid people are, because you’re bright. Your humor is witty, and humor targeting people’s appearances is easily accessible. That isn’t you. It is also shallow, and Jaclyn Passaro is not shallow.

#4.) Start looking better on stage. Dress better. Your comedy style is old school; it is very classic, and so should your physical appearance. All of the comics you enjoy do not go on stage looking schlocky. They look put together, because the comics you enjoy are not self deprecating.

#5.) Never apologize. There are people who will not get you and your style of humor. Fuck them.

#6.) Never ever dumb yourself down. The right people will fall in love with you.

#7.) Find a headliner who you compliment well and open for them.

#8.) Buy merch so you can start making some cash.

#9.) Perform in Florida & New York (This Year)

#10.) Continue to get darker, and darker. You like making people laugh at what they really shouldn’t laugh at, because its a challenge, and you have an ego. The ego says I am so good I am going to make you laugh at something you shouldn’t laugh at.

#11.) Become MORE narcissistic. The jokes that emphasize the narcness hit extremely well.

#12.) Act friendly. You are always stand offish, and that isn’t going to help you. Its going to make people think you’re a snob.

 

xoxoxoxoxo- Jaclyn