Mirror, Mirror on the wall..it’s okay to be a narcissist after all.

One time in middle school this girl told me I had a big nose. I said lucky for me, it will never match the size of my ego.

I’m a narcissist. A cold-blooded…narcissist. I don’t see this as a bad thing though. Sure, I am a bit self centered, think I’m special, and like power but why is this so bad? I may not empathize well with people, but I do so with animals. I’m super honest, and would never screw anyone over I liked, or have a neutral relationship with. I’m not out to be harmful.

What these shrink writers fail to explain is that the most successful people in the world are fucking narcissists!!!! You think Steve Jobs wasn’t a narcissist? You think Prince wasn’t a narcissist? The list can go on. A narcissist is egotiscial they believe they can change the world, and they usually do.

I don’t see anything wrong with knowing I can achieve great things with my life, and gain notoriety for doing so. I don’t see anything wrong with utilizing my talents to get me somewhere in life, or with enjoying being on a stage getting laughs for what I created.


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Revenge of the simpletons

If I could write a horror film, it would be entitled Revenge of The Simpletons. I find simple people rather frightening, and a bit confusing. Simple people are contempt with being complacent. They do not think outside of the box and rarely have extraordinary minds. I hate being surrounded by people like this; they make me feel so depressed. They annoy me because they think their point of views are so normal but what they dont seem to understand is what is normal? If I woke up tomorrow in a house in suburbia with a husband, a kid and a baby on the way I would be sad. I wasn’t meant to be “normal”. I was meant to do crazy, cool shit with my life, and I will accomplish anything I said out to do. Simpletons see me as the enemy, or odd, or weird, or wrong and I just see them as pests. Like the mosquito I just want to swat! bradybunch

Beauty & The Beast is blahed up.

I find the flaws in everything. You show me the perfect house with the cleanest white picket fence, and I will find the one cracked paint chip at the bottom of the fence that leads into the dirt. Mhm. I bleed cynicism.

But anyone with a quarter of a brain could easily pinpoint how flawed this “fairytale” is. On the surface it tries to convey this message of how beauty comes from within, and that is all fine and dandy but it does a really shitty job at doing that. Ugh.

First of all, the spoiled Prince gets a knock on his door in the middle night; he opens it and here is  this haggard looking woman who offers a rose to him in exchange for a place to sleep that night, because it was freezing cold. He tells her no, because he is repulsed by her appearance, and she tells him but beauty comes from within, he still says no, and poof she turns hot, and then he wants to apologize, typical dude, right? Well, she sees he is full of shit, and casts a spell on him which turns him into a beast, and all the castle workers into dishes, and candles.

Um, if some weirdo knocked on my door in the middle of the night, and offered me a rose, I would slam the door in their face. Unless that weirdo was a dog.

Anyways, Bell is this really intelligent female character who also happens to be beautiful, which is really refreshing. She breaks a stereotype, cool. Bell falls in love with the beast who screams at her, throws stuff at her, and basically keeps her hostage. This shows that a woman who seems to have it all on the surface could be a complete screwball underneath.

At the end of the movie, the spell is broken, because she fell in love with him. This is total bs. She changed him, and no girl, or guy should have to change a crazy ass beast into a “good guy”. You shouldn’t accept their inappropriate behavior, or feel obligated to fix them. Thoughts?

I am performing Sunday night at 8pm, at the Endzone 8420 Lankershim Blvd, Sun Valley, CA 91352




Humor is often born in The Dark.

Suicide, abortion, rape, murder, drug addiction. These are called “trigger” words, because some people hear them, and instantly feel pain. These “trigger” words are very controversial when it comes to comedy, because some people hear them, and automatically come to the conclusion that you are making fun of suicide, or AIDs. When that really is not the case.

Point in case, one time I was at an open mic, and I said this joke “This girl asked me if I knew what Bulimia Nervosa was and I said to her yeah, it doesn’t work”. The comic that came onto the stage after me was really offended and used her whole set to yack about her problems with bulimia. It struck a cord, and aggravated me. She wasn’t listening. You see I do not think bulimia is funny..but I can find the humor in something dark.

Today, I was testing out a new joke, “My mother is so invasive every time she sees a woman with a baby she asks her if she’s breastfeeding it because she breastfed all three of her kids, and only one of them turned out to be a heroin addict”. Now when I delivered the joke, I delivered it as my mother with a thick Brooklyn accent, and it got laughs. I was not making fun of heroin addicts, my mother is actually the idiot in the joke, when the audience laughed it was at her, not the fact that my brother is a heroin addict.I am delving more into talking about drug addiction, because it is comforting. I like showing people humor is often born in the dark.

I think as an artist, it is important for me to help people get through difficult times in their lives. Life really isn’t a bunch of roses, and tea parties. Life makes people experience horrible things, and I think we need to find the funny in it. It makes something dark just a wee bit lighter. I think talking about these trigger words shows people that there are other people going through some of the same shit. How many people have lost someone they love? Death is heartbreaking, and a fucking tragedy, but we all have to face it. Why not talk about it? Why not find the light, the humor, the funny, the thing that can unite us all together?

When I was five years old, my nana died. I was so crushed. I loved her. I remember walking into the front door of her home, and seeing her sit on the steps, she was wearing a black and white sweater, and she told me she was going to go to the hospital, at that moment, I knew she was going to die. Like I knew she wasn’t coming back. I felt it, in the pit of my tiny stomach. A few days later she was gone. At her funeral, my cousin, and my father disappeared for a little while, and came back with sandwiches because they were hungry, and that is one of the things my sister always brought up when her funeral was mentioned. Why? Because it was funny. We are all sad and they were worried about their stomachs. Welcome to an Italian family.

Why I Choose Dark Comedy.

I do a lot of dark jokes. I talk about shootings, murder, eating disorders, making the little mermaid shut the fuck up, and end on a suicide joke. Some people may get offended, or think it is not okay to discuss these topics in a humorous tone, but I think differently. I think anything is funny as long as it is written funny. I think it is important for people to see the light inside of the darkness.

I am not saying suicide is funny. I am saying you can find humor within it.

My suicide joke “If I was going to commit suicide I would never blow my brains out, I am not going to ruin my makeup” Mostly women laugh at this one. “Anytime I hear about a shooting my initial reaction is always how come they never happen at the DMV?”

I love dark humor. It is challenging but it makes people think. I am not going to give anyone a cheap, easy laugh.

College Confessions.



#1.) I had a chance to screw my Philosophy TA, he had these really cool ice blue eyes, but I chickened out. Buck, Buck.

#2.) I had a ton of awesome sex.

#3.) I didn’t do any drugs, and really didn’t drink all that much. I was too busy getting laid.

#4.) I learned how much I hate lube.

#5.) One time I was really drunk, and I walked into the bathroom and this girl licked the side of my face like a dog, but my reflexes were too slow to do anything about it.

#6.) I used to force myself to throw up when I was drinking, because I didn’t want to gain weight. It didn’t help.

#7.) I used to load myself up on Redbull and coffee because they calmed me down. This was before I realized I had ADHD.

#8.) I hooked up with a guy who had a mirror on the side of his bed like Patrick Bateman. He was pretty hot, but a complete asshole.

#9.) I fell in love. <3.


What College Taught Me.


I graduated from college earning a Bachelor’s of Arts degree in Film/Media Studies. Some people may see this degree as rather pointless, because it is a rough field to break into, and you can’t really get to the top of the entertainment, or media field without knowing someone who can get you there. It really is all about networking and who you know. College did not teach me anything about education. College taught me life lessons, and helped me figure out how to be an “adult” at an early age. So, for those of you that may think college is bogus, or an arts degree is pointless, let me give you a bit of an insight on what college taught me.

#1.) I am responsible for my own mistakes. I cannot point the finger at someone else; it makes ME look foolish. Nobody forced me to go to class. I was paying to be there. They get their cash whether or not my ass was in that seat.

#2.) It introduced me to kids with different backgrounds. Kids who grew up in different countries, different socioeconomic backgrounds, kids who were second generation American, and so forth.

#3.) Being book smart is great. I mean being book smart will help you earn straight A’s, but being book smart will not make you extraordinary. Remembering what someone else wrote, and having the ability to pencil in the right bubble isn’t that mind boggling.

#4.) College taught me to question society. It taught me to analyze what the media tries to sell, and really helped me not buy into it.

#5.) It helped me find the flaws in Disney movies.

#6.) It taught me how to fail.

#7.) It taught me how to work well with men.

#8.) It taught me how to get along with people I really could not stand. Part of life is learning how to effectively work with people who you dislike.

#9.) It taught me that I hate weed, I suck at beer pong, and I am really better off dating guys that are at least 8 years older than myself.


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Why I Dumped You

Roses aren’t always red, violets are actually a shade of purple not blue, and these are a bunch of reasons why I dumped you.

  1. You were intimidated by the fact that I am pretty bright.
  2. You tried to alter my comedy because you could not comprehend my jokes. Not everyone is going to like my humor, but many people have given me compliments on my joke writing, and the ability to go on stage and say “smart” jokes.
  3. You tried to get me to believe I had to “dumb” myself down on stage. I don’t play into stereotypes. I am so much better than that.
  4. You were only using me for sex, and had zero interest in anything I had to say.
  5. You spent too much time on your cell phone when we were together. This is rude and disrespectful. I should not have to point it out. You are an adult and should know by now that behavior is rude.
  6. I am more successful and make more money. I need someone more on my level. I can’t date someone who complains about paying $3.00 to park. It is unattractive.
  7. You are incredibly jealous. I am not a fan of someone reading my text messages, snooping at all of my instagram photos, and making snide remarks about the men I associate myself with.
  8. You were way too needy. I am busy. Sometimes I don’t have time to talk on the phone or be annoyed by your childish complaints.
  9. You were too immature. Sometimes I felt like I was conversing with a teenage boy and not a 29 year old man.
  10. You have a non-progressive view on female sexuality.
  11. You do not know how to be professional.
  12. Our taste in humor will always clash. I don’t really like humor that is easily accessible. So premises like “I am broke, I hate ho’s, I got fired, I am a loser” irritate me.
  13. I liked your friends more than you.
  14. You told me I should be “ghetto” on stage. I am not “ghetto”. I grew up in the suburbs. If I went on stage and acted “ghetto” the audience wouldn’t buy it.
  15. You don’t understand joke writing and said “I over think it”! I do not over think it. I just understand every joke needs a PREMISE + a PUNCHLINE! I carefully construct my jokes. I do research. I change the wording. I use my art to convey a certain message.
  16. You have this idea in your head that certain subjects are off limits. In my opinion, no subject is off limits. You just have to write the joke correctly. Topics like suicide, murder, death and mental illness can ALL be funny when they are written well.
  17. I am going back to dating older guys now.

Love Jaclyn