Oh Gosh a Letter.

When I was a Freshman in college, I had to write a letter to myself, it contained mostly career goals, and what we wanted from our future. I wanted to be the next Jessica Savitch, and I wanted to start a charity, and save the world. I remember a friend saying “ok Angelina Jolie”. I was so sweet, so naive, and so vibrant. Oh yeah and I wanted a bunch of books published. LOL.

I cannot be the next Savitch, because I really do not have an interest in reporting the news. I cannot write a bunch of books, because I’m not that good of a writer. I’m a good blogger. I can however, write really good jokes. I can make people laugh. I can push the envelope, and get people to see the extraordinary in something that appears to be ordinary.

That’s why I love comedy. Writing is that thing I fell in love with when I was 6. It allowed me to CREATE, EXPLORE, ESCAPE. Performing gives people happiness, but it also makes them THINK. My humor is not easy; it’s clever, and difficult. Some people cant handle it, and I am okay with that. My art is allowed to push people’s buttons, and make them feel. If they cannot handle their feelings then fuck them.

xoxoxoxoxoxo

@JaclynPassaro

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Pat on the back doesn’t pay the bills.

Below is my expression when I would do well at my jobs, and was never rewarded with cash.

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I am one of those people who is incredibly driven, independent, and competitive. Anything you can do I can do better. Seriously. Unfortunately, I can also become the employee from hell LOL. I remember I worked at Ulta for one month when I was 17, and then was fired. I really didn’t give a fuck. Why? The pay was shitty, the discount sucked, and I hated facing. Oh, and they wanted us to get people to sign up for this shitty fashion magazine, in addition to their rewards program with absolutely no monetary gain. You want to motivate people? Pay them.

I worked for an agency. I was hands down one of the most creative people there. I got shit done. I got shit done quick. I was able to get clients on some pretty cool blogs. You think I got a raise? Nope. I quit. Caio!

I’ve worked for people who wrote nasty emails about how I was stupid; they made me cry, they cut like a knife, but you know what fuck them. They were in debt, and hated themselves, so naturally they took it out on someone else. I admit to being a dingbat at times, but I am far from dumb. Nasty comments have only made me stronger. You want to call me dumb? Go ahead. Have fun. TWAT!

I’ve worked around people who are lazy, uncreative, and have no major goals. They make you so depressed after a while. Its like they gave up on life, and the highlight of their year is when Starbucks puts out the holiday drinks.

All of these companies had one thing in common, they failed to realize a pat on the back doesnt pay the bills. If you want to keep a team of MVP’s you have to pay them, and reward them.

XOXOXOXOXO- Jaclyn

 

That dark ass humor tho.

So, I do mostly one liners, and mostly dark humor. I love dark humor, because I find it really amusing to see people go “oh”, or “aw”..look around the room at other people to see whether or not it is “okay” to laugh. I get off on it. HA HA. Yeah, my jokes are well written, and I look too dumb to understand that what I am saying is so awful, so yes..please laugh.

I grew up in a family that found humor in all dark subjects. My mother and her sister laughed at her Aunt’s funeral because the shoes on the body looked like Dorothy’s from the Wizard of Oz. My grandpa used to tell us crazy stories like how he was on a trolly once turned away and then looked back at the guy next to him and the guys head got cut off because he stuck it out the window & BAAAMMMMM. We cracked up about this. My grandpa told me about how his sister died at 19; she was a dancer, he loved her. The fact that bad shit happens was never ever hidden from me.  But I was taught early on to find the funny in it.

I’m not a xerox face.

When I started college, I really wanted to be an anchorwoman. I wanted to be the next Jessica Savitch. I bought her biography, and read everything about her, I had her plastered all over my Myspace…she was so edgy, she was dark, and groundbreaking. She had a cocaine problem, her husband committed suicide, her dad died when she was young, she experienced poverty, she was super sexual, and had captivating eyes. She was broken. I thought she was relatable. I worked at my school’s radio station for a while doing news updates. I would find news stories, rewrite them to fit their standards, and say them on air. Maybe 3 people heard? The ones sitting in the office (laughs). I would always fuck up country names, and people’s last names LOL. I have an accent. I wasn’t cut out for this. I remember back in the day Facebook had this thing where you could tell people things anonymously, and one day someone wrote “I have no doubt when you get your non regional dialect down you’re going to be become one of the best known anchorwomen” I still remember, pretty cool.

The truth is I am not cut out to do the news. I actually really don’t give a fuck about the news LOLLOL. I remember this guy telling the class that oneday we would have sacrifice our morals to boost our careers, and I just can’t do shit like that. I’m really lovely underneath it all. I’m a really good person. An authentic soul. I also didn’t have passion for this. What do I have passion for?

WRITING! & getting attention LMFAO.

Writing is my first love. I liked writing as a child because I could make the world the way I wanted it to be! I could create, and possibly make people feel good. This translates well with comedy; I am a very good joke writer. I also like making people good about shit they are supposed to feel bad about it which is why I write mostly dark humor. I like being the center of attention…I have that narc personality going on and I am quite charming so it all works out.

Also, I am not a xerox face. I have distinct features, and I am kinda exotic looking, which is not news standards. Savitch, Couric, etc they all have a similar looking face, and I just do not exude that type of beauty.

xoxoxoxo- Jaclyn

 

Crisis Chicks.

Pretty much all of my relationships fail. There are gum balls that have lasted longer than some of my relationships. There are people who often wonder why I don’t have a boyfriend. I am fairly bright, self sufficient & I’m not ugly. Well here’s the deal I’m a pain in the ass.

-I am not one of those broads who likes every damn photo of the guy I am with.

-I am not some broad who is going to tell a guy how amazing he is 24/7. I’m not like that. I just expect the guy to know I really dig him. I mean I send them kissy face emojis what more do they want?

-I have ADHD & well I’m narcissistic. But Im not the type of narc that hurts people intentionally to get ahead. I could never do that. It would make me feel awful.

-I get easily distracted and bored. My shrink asked me if I have ever suffered from depression, and anxiety. I know I have anxiety, because I bite my nails all the time, and have done so since I was a child. I also used to pull my hair out as a kid anytime I got sick because my mom made me feel so scared. I used to get really high fevers, and would be sick for weeks, and she made it much, much worse. I don’t think i have depression….I explained to her that whenever I have an office job…eventually i start to cry everyday…and she said because you constantly need to be stimulated. So, this also applies to dating. If a guy cant stimulate me I get distracted and bored. And then dump him, or he gets annoyed by it and dumps me.

-I’m no damsel in distress. I think guys like girls who come across as helpless, and whiny because these types are ego strokers. like a chick who is always in crisis is probably going to be the one to tell you how great you are 24/7, and will kiss your ass. I’m too busy getting shit done. I’m not a crisis chick.

-I’m broken and i dont need you to fix me.

 

xoxoxox- Jaclyn

 

The loser guys that hurt me are helping me to create art

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I have incredibly poor taste in men. I attract awful guys who treat me like garbage. I think guys have zero interest in me they just want to get inside of me, and because of this feeling I have emotionally shut myself off. I am tired of them just trying to use me for sex. I am tired of them not listening to a word I say, and I am tired of them blowing me off. I have had guys do some terrible things to me that really emotionally fucked me up, but guess what? I’m going to have the last laugh.

I am working on a  monologue for a show I am going to be in this week, and I often have trouble acting, because I fear showing an audience how much of an emotional train wreck I am, but the other night, I thought about all of the horrible things guys have done to me over the years, and I started to cry! I was able to feel on stage. I could see the people in rehearsal…connect with me. I think I can be pretty captivating when I reveal the fact that I am an emotional train wreck. I am lacking this comedically. The second I start showing audiences I am an emotional rollercoaster. I am going to start murdering. I am a good joke writer, and my on stage persona is evolving beautifully, but I need the audience to feel more, and I often fear showing people how emotional I truly am. I don’t want them to know that I cry like 2500 times a week. But I must. It makes me more human, and more likable.

The loser guys that hurt me are helping me create art. Plus, I can turn them into victims, and get laughs for it. I can give people pleasure from my pain. I think thats really cool. I find it rewarding.