I used to work for this lame agency. Like all my other jobs, I despised most of the people I worked with except for one. I will call him Marshal. He was critical, tough, had a strong work ethic, was pessimistic, and British. I thought we bonded well. Marshal noticed my quirky nervous habits like how I twirl my hair a lot, and would remember movies, books, and musical artists I enjoyed. He also wasn’t afraid of calling me out on my personality flaws; one time he told me “the world doesn’t revolve around you”, and while most people would get offended, I did not. Marshal never said I am a bad person, in fact, we often bonded about various things, and he would assure me that when work related stuff went wrong, it was not my fault. He also got annoyed when people who were in higher positions dumped their work onto me so they could dick around. Marshal and I would bicker, but we still got along. In fact, he is definitely my favorite co-worker ever, because we were a great team, he mellowed my nuttiness out and we did some great work together. He was cool to chit chat with, and despite my obvious character flaws, he still saw the good in me, and didn’t judge me.
Marshal didn’t care about getting rich. He read tons of books, and loved art. He loved poetry, and romance. He liked people with substance. He hated bimbos. The people I thought were so good looking he thought were garbage…LOLLOL. Because to him they lacked substance. Anytime, he mentioned a good looking celebrity he always found them attractive for reasons beyond physical.
I think I need to find a Marshal.
I have always been attracted to broken men. Because I thought these particular men had stability, and would have stellar careers.
Boyfriend #1: 16- His dad was a big shot in law enforcement. He was a BRAT. His dad tried to instill a solid work ethic into him, but he was still a brat. His mother was an alcoholic, but his step mom was super cool. I loved her. This kid had it made, I remember him saying he isn’t going to college, and he was going into law enforcement, and he did that. The last time I saw him was at a gas station, he had this brand new car, and looked happy. We were about 21…I waved hi and that was that. About 5 years ago, he committed suicide.
Boyfriend #2: 17- I was so crazy about this one WHO THE FUCK KNOWS WHY! He loved to ignore me, and make up crazy excuses as to why he couldn’t hang out with me. I don’t have gas was my favorite. I think I liked him because he listened to old rock n roll, and I was a dumb teenager so I thought he was deep.
Boyfriend #3: 21- This was the guy I thought I was madly in love with because he was the best lover I ever had. He was a machine, a monster. Passionate, loving, and boosted my self esteem. He hated xerox faces. He was only really into hot latinas, and anyone who looked exotic. Whenever I felt unattractive he always made me feel good about myself. I never remember him deliberately trying to hurt me. But welllll all fires burn out.
Boyfriend #4- 28- Obsessive, jealous, dumb, and a total user. I honestly felt nothing for him after a short period of time which is why i broke it off.
Now, I have dated tons of other guys. lol. Like a shit ton, and they ALL have one thing in common….they are broken. I guess because we are what we attract, and I am broken too. I also have a tough time committing.
But I think I have been chasing all the wrong things…I have always chased after guys who I thought had great careers, and financial stability, but with my experience, these guys have always been the hardest to date. They are so fucking self centered, and cannot understand how to emotionally connect, and they fail to comprehend how they hurt me. Like I have to explain the smallest things to them, and that is so frustrating. They are smart enough to make money but so stupid in other ways.
I have been attracted to broken men my entire dating life, but instead, I think I need to find a Marshal. I think I would be happy with someone who can point out my character flaws, but love me anyway, and not judge me for them. I think I would be happy with someone who never ignored me, or only wanted me there when its convenient for them. I think I would be happy with someone who was a snob, and only liked people who they thought had depth. I think I would be happy with someone who was artistic, and interested in my art, and knew my taste in music, and wanted to just spend time with me. Someone who could romance me. Someone who was passionate about something other than money.