we all have issues.

I have issues. You have issues. The crazy neighbors that always fight have issues. We all have issues. It sucks, I know but its part of being human.

I have tons of issues, for example, I hate myself for not being more successful at this point in my life. I cry about it ALL the time. I thought I would have a big house by now, and a sports car in my garage, and an endless supply of Fiji water! I thought I would have written at least one best selling book, and I would have traveled the world, and eaten fresh gelato made from a guy who couldn’t speak english. I thought I would have a closet filled with every Louis Vuitton bag ever made. I thought I would  be in love by now, and sometimes I cry because I feel like I have absolutely nothing, but you know what I do have? A handbag filled with mistakes, and that’s important because those mistakes are a crystal clear representation of different learning experiences. And you know what I would be without those mistakes? A lame sitcom character nobody wants to have brunch with.

Various mistakes I made….

I got bad grades in high school. I graduated with a  2.6 GPA. I barely passed math; I would get by with like 60% LOL. I hated math, because it frustrated the fuck out of me. It made me feel dumb, and no matter how many times I asked the teacher for help, or saw a tutor, nothing helped. If I was able to score a 70% on a test, that was an achievement. I did bad in chemistry, because it was boring, and I tuned the teacher out, and I also dicked around during that class. I did alright in English, and History, I think I got B’s, and then came college. It took me 5 years to get a Bachelor’s of Arts degree…LOL. I used to ditch my classes, and I tried to take science and math in the same semester…freshmen year not a good choice. I also had a part time job, and then sophomore year had internships. I did terrible in psychology. I got a D twice LMAO. I was so bored.

In the beginning, I wanted to be an anchorwoman. Until I realized I had too much of an accent, and I really gave zero fucks about the news. I mean…I’m not Katie Couric. I could never be that cookie cutter perfect girl with perfect blonde hair that never has any strays, and constantly don a Growing Pains smile. That’s just not Jaclyn. Also, I remember one day this guy came into class and basically implied we would have to do some fucked up shit in order to boost our careers and ratings, and I’m just not down for that shit. I don’t want to hurt people, because hurting people will hurt me.

I always wanted to be in the entertainment industry. Always. When I was little I used to have conversations with myself in the mirror, and instead of taking me to therapy, my mother thought oh my kid is going to win an Oscar. I’ve always had a vivid imagination. A real kooky one. When I was like 7, I wanted to be a writer. I didn’t know what I wanted to write, but I wanted to be one. When I was 11, I wanted to be a movie director, and an actress. I did take acting classes as a kid, and perform in talent shows, but whatever nothing ever came of it, besides we lived in Arizona, and I never had the ability to get any big auditions. As a kid, I could act. I was a pretty good serious actress, and I wasn’t afraid of showing my sadness, or the anger I had built up inside me, because I was pissed at my parents, or sad that the kids at school picked on me a lot (because they did when you’re shy & awkward you’re just a target). It was a cool way to escape. I always knew that I was far more special than those kids. As narcissistic as that sounds, I knew I had something they didn’t and that was talent, and drive.

I’m also really bad with managing my money, and dating. I’m no picnic. I know that, but that’s okay, because picnics suck. They’re boring. I’m a party. Sometimes I’m the loud party that causes the cops to show up. Sometimes I’m the cocktail party…a bit more serious, and professional. Sometimes I’m a kids party…all sweet and innocent. In the end, I’m still a party, and that’s a good thing. I get down on myself for not being in a serious relationship by now, but in the end it’s not really a mistake. Had I ended up married or serious with any of the guys I have dated, I would have end up unhappy. I wasn’t crazy in love with any of them, and I need to be crazy in love in order to settle down, and some people find that someone when they’re 40! So what! Maybe I am just that girl that finds the right guy when she’s 40!

I don’t have a solid career yet, because I changed jobs a lot LOL. I always wanted a career in entertainment, and ever since I started comedy…..I haven’t gotten sick of it. I’m addicted. I’m addicted to the writing, and character development. I’m addicted to the high that performing gives me. I’m addicted to the kooks I have met doing it. I’m addicted to the DM’s I get telling me how funny i am, and asking when I will be playing in their town. I’m addicted to the feeling of knowing that for the first time I know I am doing something right, and in my heart and soul….I know it is going to work out. I’m struggling…but I just know I am going to succeed.

The biggest mistake I made was believing that superficial things would make me happy. What if I did end up becoming a successful anchor woman, and I had all the material possessions I ever wanted…but I had to so many skeletons in my closet they were busting out the door. I’d hate myself for becoming a monster. I believe I can help people through humor, and I will be financially successful with it. It might take some time but it will happen. I want to do it to help people not to post my yacht on Instagram.

xoxoxoxoxoxo-

Jaclyn

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10 Things I hate about myself

1.) My nervous habits.

2.) I procrastinate a shit ton if the thing i need to do is something i have zero interest in doing

3.) My poor eating habits.

4.) The fact that I’m attracted to bad men…I’ll never find love.

5.) The fact that I spend too much time crying.

6.) I often love people who don’t care about me.

7.) My blackheads.

8.) My smile.

9.) My forgetfulness

10.) My spelling errors.

I like to con the audience into loving someone who is deemed unlikable

I like to con the audience into loving someone who is deemed an unlikable villain.

It’s tons of fun. It’s fun to show people how someone who is such an asshole is still worthy of redemption. We are all flawed, and it helps to create comedy.

I play a character who is selfish, sarcastic, and narcissistic, but clever about it. I make some valid points about what is wrong with society often indirectly victimizing myself. It is really cool, and my character continues to grow, and reveal her different layers.

choose to win.

Last week, I was given some crucial advice. I shall hold onto it forever, or until I have Alzheimers, and simply cannot remember the last time I took a piss. I was in class, and the instructor said to me “you seemed angry, and anger means that whatever is pissing you off won, and that girl up there she doesn’t lose, she wins”. To me that shit is deep. It struck a cord, and made me realize that whenever I am angry, and I am performing I BOMB! The audience doesn’t want to see some angry victim. I do well when my attitude is annoyed, because that thing didn’t win. I won.

I think I allow people to get to me. I allow them to upset me, and make me angry. I will give you one primary example: LOVE! Unfortunately, I am very good at picking horrible men, but I don’t necessarily fall in love with them, or develop any kind of emotional attachment, because I am extremely disconnected. I like feeling numb, because I am so emotional, and loving. Love causes me to lose control, and ultimately causes me to crash and burn. For me love is suicide. I really liked this one guy, and he was a poor choice. But I instantly felt a connection,  I saw fireworks, and I became attached. I was attached to someone who jokingly called me a blow up doll, attached to someone who showed his co-workers private messages (don’t worry there were no photos), and when it pissed me off, he said they don’t know who you are. I felt so hurt. I felt like a loser. I felt like a moron. I felt angry at myself for allowing someone to speak to me like that, but you know what hurts more? Whenever I go to Sephora and they’re out of my favorite lipstick. See what I did there? I took pain and turned into humor. And whenever someone hurts me, and I’m on stage saying a joke about them, and I ultimately win, and the audience laughs…it is the ultimate FUCK YOU! Because I choose to win. And from now on I’m not going to let any dipshit cause me to feel angry especially when he doesn’t care about me. Fuck em I’m too good for that shit.

My New Years Resolutions….

#1.) Stop being so impulsive & hot headed. Stop & think about what you’re about to do before you do it.

#2.) Listen to what other people say, and try to be less self centered.

#3.) Be nicer to the people who adore you they aren’t gonna be around forever.

#4.) Communicate better in relationships.

#5.) Don’t buy stuff you don’t really need.

#6.) Drink more water.

#7.) Don’t be afraid to tell shitty people to fuck off.

#8.) Own up to the fact that you experience depression spells.

#9.) Stop turning your sadness into anger because you think it makes you feel more powerful. It doesn’t.

#10.) It’s okay to cry & let other people see you cry. I know it embarrasses you but everyone cries.

#11.) Humor is not always the bandage to cover up pain.

I thought i was a unicorn but I’m really a pigeon WTF…..

Last week, I stumbled across this book entitled “Men Don’t Love Women Like You”. I have no idea how I came across it, as I Google tons of shit all the fucking time, but needless to say I am glad I did. I can’t put it down! Everything this guy says is completely relatable, and there are so many things I do wrong in terms of dating.

For starters, he goes into major detail about how NOT to become a placeholder. A placeholder is a girl a guy is dating, but deep down he will never be truly committed or emotionally devoted to her. He said a guy will make you his girlfriend even if you’re just a placeholder, some men have even fucking MARRIED placeholders! WTF. He goes into great detail about signs you’re just a placeholder, and how to avoid becoming one. (I dont feel like writing them too long)

Here is the part that truly captivated me…ok so, I’m a NARC, and like most NARCS I think I am special. Like a unicorn, like no guy in the history of mankind has ever met someone like me..well turns out in the world of dating I’m a PIGEON LOL. He explains how if you start dating a guy….chances are he has dated someone similar to you..women tend to tell men too much in the beginning, we let our guard down if we feel too comfortable too fast…and that gives the guy power. So, all he has to do is go ok Jaclyn is an Alpha like Tina was, but she is also a dipstick like Melanie was and BOOM he figures out how to play me, if I reveal too many details too quickly.

Here is ANOTHER kicker! I’m a Millennial, and men of my generation are royal fucks. I hate most of them. So, I usually date Gen X, because I like my men a little bit older (35-38 range). These guys know how to DATE you. They’re usually not the Netflix and Chill type unless they’re broke losers. When a guy takes you on multiple dates and does not try to fuck you usually assume he likes you for more than just sex. WRONG. If you sleep with him after six dates, and he loses interest right after the sex, or his behavior changes…it was about sex all along, he just had a more gentlemen approach about going about it. But he still just wanted to get that D in your V 🙂

Kicker #2. I dated one broke loser last year, and after him I will never ever date a guy who is not financially stable. Ever. Financial stability is #1 on my check list. The author sides with me. The author hates dating apps, because he knows you only attract the loser Netflix & Chill types. He is all about a girl going on dates, and guess who should pay? The man. The broke loser I dated never took me out, and was totally clueless about how to be a real man. Part of the reason as to why I dumped him was because he was broke. The others were he was stupid, insecure, and jealous. I am at the point in my life where I dont have time for broke. I have a lot of choices when it comes to dating; I will never settle for a broke loser.

I am learning about ALL the things I do WRONG! Like this last dude, I opened up to him too fast, I liked him, got emotionally attached, and allowed him to fuck with me. I was in la la land, and he did not feel the same way, I was a placeholder, and because I really liked him..I ignored the red flags. Because he made me feel good. After reading this book, I will never be a placeholder again. FUCK THAT NOISE.

I have a whole new way of looking at dating, and the way I approach it. I also learned that I can be a really shitty partner LMAO. Like I am a total bully sometimes, and a huge brat. I try and boss men around to get them to do what I want, and for years I got away with it, or thought I did. Its probably one of the reasons as to why I get dumped a lot. I am also not as good with communication as I thought I was ooopssss! You can’t assume everything, or Google the answers to shit (thats what I do because I have trust issues) you have to ask the person you are dating straight up. With this last guy we shall call him LB. I should have asked LB if he wanted a relationship with me, or saw one in the near future…but I didn’t. I assumed he did not want one because of his behavior. I felt like I was getting dicked around, but I never came out and asked him the question. After reading this book, even if he entered a relationship with me it would have been a complete waste of my time because I was just a placeholder. He even told me I wasn’t his type. I could have wasted months of my life on this guy because he made me “feel” good. I am so glad I came across this book, I will never make the dipshit mistakes I have made in the past….those days are overrrrrrrrr.

I have a new date coming up soon, and will approach it a whole new way 🙂

The book is $10 on iTunes…buy it 🙂

Words of wisdom part 2

#1.) Do cardio. It makes you feel refreshed and helps clean your mind.

#2.) Who gives a fuck about what other people are doing. They bullshit online anyways focus on yourself…..

#3.) Just because someone isn’t right for you doesnt mean they’re wrong for someone else. We are not all compatible.

#4.) Love is really fucking hard, and really fucking strong. Feelings can cause a lot of pain.

#5.) Don’t be judgmental. You dont know the shit someone has gone through to make them the way they are.

#6.) Give lots of hugs.

#7) Learn to forgive people.

#8.) Ignore your phone every once in a while.