I’m horrible at dating, and even worse at maintaining a relationship. I believe its partially because my parents had a shitty relationship, and I don’t want to become them. Ive also never really been exposed to a couple who I felt was truly in love.
I used to think I was hard to love. I used to think I was emotionally unstable, but after weeks of therapy it turns out I’m not. I do have a knack for broken men, and probably because I feel I myself am completely broken inside. I just know how to mask my pain. I can appear completely fine even though I spent a half an hour crying in the shower. Sometimes I hate my life. Sometimes I cry alone in my car and hope I have the courage to take a gun put it to my head and pull the trigger. But I don’t. And I never will. There’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. Always.
I thought by now I would have everything Ive ever wanted, and I don’t. I try to stay positive but it can be very hard. I wish I was rich it would solve all of my problems. It would put all of the broken pieces inside of me together.
I used to think I was terrible for not being able to hold a relationship for long period of time but after weeks of therapy…I’m NOT! I saw warning signs, and things I did not like and broke it off. There isn’t anything wrong with that. Since I’m kinda a serial dater..Imma tell you the types of guys..to look out for if you’re looking for a committed relationship.
#1.) The “Friend” Who wants Relationship benefits disguised as a guy who acts like he wants a relationship——-> Ok so, Imma call this guy Charlie. I met Charlie a while ago through a mutual friend. On the night I met him he said he was looking for a relationship…ok…well eventually we started hanging out, hooking up yada, yada. And at one point he asked me if were in a relationship would I be ok with Tattoo Girl aka a former fuck buddy sleeping over without me being there. I said NO! Then he called me possessive. It annoyed me so a few days later I broke it off via DM explaining I was looking for a good guy and Ive screwed around enough by now. He got annoyed with me because he felt disrespected because he deserved a phone call. He was right. Anyways….I was stupid and for a while we went back and forth seeing each other and it went no where. I was even sexually bored with him. This guy had no intentions of dating me. Ever. But he did want me to cuddle him, take care of him when he was sick basically shit a girlfriend does, and like a dingbat I did. I’m not special. Thats what this guy does. He never dates or has relationships..he has a string of friends with benefits. He’s all casual. Thats just him. Nothing wrong with that. He did nothing wrong. But I have learned this…I want a committed relationship. I do not want a man who remains close with most of his exes and former fuck buddies. Those girls are done with you move on. Because in my opinion its a warning sign for Im not ready to commit and thats fine but dont waste my time. He taught me that my feelings about him from the get go weren’t wrong! He’s not boyfriend material because he has no interest in being in a committed relationship. He also tried to imply countless times that Im not pretty. And as a former ugly duckling who got teased as a kid and in middle for being ugly those comments do sting a bit. So, I went digging like a detective and found previous hook ups, and girls he’s “dated” I’m just as pretty. He was a projector and because he felt he wasn’t good looking enough for me he made me feel as if I wasn’t good looking enough for him. Projectors are very unhealthy people for me to be around because they emotionally drain me. I deserve better.
#2.) The Jealous Guy- Imma call this guy Lyft. I dated lyft for like 3 or 4 months. He constantly accused me of cheating, and got upset with me once because he said I wasn’t acting like we were together..I am not a PDA, tag your ass on every photo on social media type of a girl. He also just wasn’t good enough for me. I was emotionally, and intellectually bored with him. And that is OKAY he will be compatible with someone else.
#3.) The guy who sees everything half full- I thought i really liked him at one point. He was super bright, military guy..but negative about every fucking thing. He could never make me happy. He was nuts!
Im tired of writing maybe ill write more later xoxoxo