I was right.

This past year has been emotionally draining for me, and caused me to become very depressed. I haven’t really suffered from depression like this. Its hard for me to get up in the morning, sometimes I alienate myself from people, I cry all the time, and sometimes I feel worthless, I feel defeated, and so alone. I feel like a failure. I should have it all, and I don’t. I was born to outdo everyone, to be the best, to look the best, have the best things, the best career, the best spouse, achieve everything, and just win. I don’t. I’m annoyed. I don’t like to fail.

For the longest time, I thought I was hard to love, but I am really not. I am seeing a new therapist, and she is really helping me understand why I do things that I do, and that my feelings aren’t wrong. Last year, I met this guy, and I truly fell in love with him. You cannot choose who you fall for, it sucks. This guy gave me what I did not get as a child from my father. He was affectionate where as my dad was not, and I thought we emotionally connected. We had chemistry, and he was financially secure, and I was always myself with him. I felt safe. I spent many nights with him with no sexual contact, he led me to believe he really cared about me because he did not try to have sex with me in the beginning. This guy is an amazing manipulator, he mind fucked me. You see just because a guy does not use you for your body does not mean he isn’t using you. This man emotionally used me. He also lied to me, and I cannot stand being lied to. After spending an entire week with this guy because he was sick, he ignored me. For weeks. I was livid. I deleted his number, and blocked him on social media. I felt so used, I felt so fucking hurt. You see this guy has a habit of disappearing to go fuck some other chick then when it doesn’t work out he comes back to me, and because I loved him I allowed him to do this to me.I became what I often ridicule. He claimed he was not seeing this one girl, and he clearly lied to me about it and that was verified last night. I am so done with him. I told him off last week, and for the final time I meant it. He hurt my self ¬†esteem tremendously. I have never cried so much in my entire life, or been so emotionally beat down. His abusive remarks made me believe I am so hard to love, and I am this crazy, horrible person, and I am not. I just cared and tried and he didn’t. But you see this behavior of his seems like a pattern, he seems to do this to many women, and while he thinks he’s winning, he is not. He is losing. He lost someone amazing. He lost someone who really loved him, and is amazing. This guy has a lot of money, and I learned a crucial lesson from him. All he has is his bank account. I have more. I have talent, a big heart, beauty, intelligence, a strong work ethic, passion, and honesty. So, guess what? I win. I finally let him go. I finally snapped out of it. I cant believe I became what I often dont understand. You know how many times I have thought…that girl is so pretty, she’s smart, she’s funny, she’s got everything going for her, why is she with that asshole? Now I get it. When you love someone you ignore the red flags. His were on fire, and I was willing to use the flames to roast marshmallows. I turned his negatives into positives because I wanted him to be what I wanted. Because I hate failing, and I wanted this to work.

But guess what? He didn’t love me. He was never committed to me. He went weeks without talking to me multiple times because he was fucking other girls. Girls who looked like they could be the poster children for Jerry Springer. I think I’m gonna get tested for Aids tomorrow. But those girls would never dare to stand up to him because they are impressed by his wealth. Gimme a break. ¬†His sisters haven’t had a relationship with him in years, and he has a bad relationship with his ex wife. All huge red flags. Women don’t just disown their own blood unless they’re really shitty people. He is a shitty person. Only a shitty person would emotionally manipulate another human being for the sheer sake of making themselves feel good. He’s a user. Fuck him.

Here is what I learned from all of this:

My intuition is always dead on. I saw the red flags in September they were very clear. It was clear back then that this guy is not into commitment and just strings girls along, and sleeps with them and uses them emotionally. When I walked away I should have stayed away.

I need to run from signs of insecurity. This guy hurt my self esteem because he has low self esteem. People who hate themselves will always hate you more so you can feel as poorly as them. He tried to get me to believe that I have all of these physical flaws, and i am not good looking. Because he doesnt think he’s good looking. And for a while I started to believe that I was this ugly bridge troll.

This guy ALWAYS plays the victim. ALWAYSSSSSSS. He never owns up to what he has done, and when you try to tell him how you are feeling he gets mad and argues.

This guy is selfish. He cant compromise and is a total brat.

This guy is mean to dogs. He got all mad at his friends cute dog because it was going onto his bed, and he didn’t want it there. Idiot.

I am so done with him. I will never talk to him again. I deserve better. He isn’t and was never good enough for me, and it took me a long ass time to come to grips with that. Maybe one day he will love someone as much as he loves himself and not use them. Maybe you never know.

xoxoxoxox-Jaclyn

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<3

I used to work for this lame agency. Like all my other jobs, I despised most of the people I worked with except for one. I will call him Marshal. He was critical, tough, had a strong work ethic, was pessimistic, and British. I thought we bonded well. Marshal noticed my quirky nervous habits like how I twirl my hair a lot, and would remember movies, books, and musical artists I enjoyed. He also wasn’t afraid of calling me out on my personality flaws; one time he told me “the world doesn’t revolve around you”, and while most people would get offended, I did not. Marshal never said I am a bad person, in fact, we often bonded about various things, and he would assure me that when work related stuff went wrong, it was not my fault. He also got annoyed when people who were in higher positions dumped their work onto me so they could dick around. Marshal and I would bicker, but we still got along. In fact, he is definitely my favorite co-worker ever, because we were a great team, he mellowed my nuttiness out and we did some great work together. He was cool to chit chat with, and despite my obvious character flaws, he still saw the good in me, and didn’t judge me.

Marshal didn’t care about getting rich. He read tons of books, and loved art. He loved poetry, and romance. He liked people with substance. He hated bimbos. The people I thought were so good looking he thought were garbage…LOLLOL. Because to him they lacked substance. Anytime, he mentioned a good looking celebrity he always found them attractive for reasons beyond physical.

I think I need to find a Marshal.

I have always been attracted to broken men. Because I thought these particular men had stability, and would have stellar careers.

Boyfriend #1: 16- His dad was a big shot in law enforcement. He was a BRAT. His dad tried to instill a solid work ethic into him, but he was still a brat. His mother was an alcoholic, but his step mom was super cool. I loved her. This kid had it made, I remember him saying he isn’t going to college, and he was going into law enforcement, and he did that. The last time I saw him was at a gas station, he had this brand new car, and looked happy. We were about 21…I waved hi and that was that. About 5 years ago, he committed suicide.

Boyfriend #2: 17- I was so crazy about this one WHO THE FUCK KNOWS WHY! He loved to ignore me, and make up crazy excuses as to why he couldn’t hang out with me. I don’t have gas was my favorite. I think I liked him because he listened to old rock n roll, and I was a dumb teenager so I thought he was deep.

Boyfriend #3: 21- This was the guy I thought I was madly in love with because he was the best lover I ever had. He was a machine, a monster. Passionate, loving, and boosted my self esteem. He hated xerox faces. He was only really into hot latinas, and anyone who looked exotic. Whenever I felt unattractive he always made me feel good about myself. I never remember him deliberately trying to hurt me. But welllll all fires burn out.

Boyfriend #4- 28- Obsessive, jealous, dumb, and a total user. I honestly felt nothing for him after a short period of time which is why i broke it off.

 

Now, I have dated tons of other guys. lol. Like a shit ton, and they ALL have one thing in common….they are broken. I guess because we are what we attract, and I am broken too. I also have a tough time committing.

But I think I have been chasing all the wrong things…I have always chased after guys who I thought had great careers, and financial stability, but with my experience, these guys have always been the hardest to date. They are so fucking self centered, and cannot understand how to emotionally connect, and they fail to comprehend how they hurt me. Like I have to explain the smallest things to them, and that is so frustrating. They are smart enough to make money but so stupid in other ways.

I have been attracted to broken men my entire dating life, but instead, I think I need to find a Marshal. I think I would be happy with someone who can point out my character flaws, but love me anyway, and not judge me for them. I think I would be happy with someone who never ignored me, or only wanted me there when its convenient for them. I think I would be happy with someone who was a snob, and only liked people who they thought had depth. I think I would be happy with someone who was artistic, and interested in my art, and knew my taste in music, and wanted to just spend time with me. Someone who could romance me. Someone who was passionate about something other than money.

xoxoxox Jaclyn