choose to win.

Last week, I was given some crucial advice. I shall hold onto it forever, or until I have Alzheimers, and simply cannot remember the last time I took a piss. I was in class, and the instructor said to me “you seemed angry, and anger means that whatever is pissing you off won, and that girl up there she doesn’t lose, she wins”. To me that shit is deep. It struck a cord, and made me realize that whenever I am angry, and I am performing I BOMB! The audience doesn’t want to see some angry victim. I do well when my attitude is annoyed, because that thing didn’t win. I won.

I think I allow people to get to me. I allow them to upset me, and make me angry. I will give you one primary example: LOVE! Unfortunately, I am very good at picking horrible men, but I don’t necessarily fall in love with them, or develop any kind of emotional attachment, because I am extremely disconnected. I like feeling numb, because I am so emotional, and loving. Love causes me to lose control, and ultimately causes me to crash and burn. For me love is suicide. I really liked this one guy, and he was a poor choice. But I instantly felt a connection,  I saw fireworks, and I became attached. I was attached to someone who jokingly called me a blow up doll, attached to someone who showed his co-workers private messages (don’t worry there were no photos), and when it pissed me off, he said they don’t know who you are. I felt so hurt. I felt like a loser. I felt like a moron. I felt angry at myself for allowing someone to speak to me like that, but you know what hurts more? Whenever I go to Sephora and they’re out of my favorite lipstick. See what I did there? I took pain and turned into humor. And whenever someone hurts me, and I’m on stage saying a joke about them, and I ultimately win, and the audience laughs…it is the ultimate FUCK YOU! Because I choose to win. And from now on I’m not going to let any dipshit cause me to feel angry especially when he doesn’t care about me. Fuck em I’m too good for that shit.

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