Pat on the back doesn’t pay the bills.

Below is my expression when I would do well at my jobs, and was never rewarded with cash.

brunette 3

I am one of those people who is incredibly driven, independent, and competitive. Anything you can do I can do better. Seriously. Unfortunately, I can also become the employee from hell LOL. I remember I worked at Ulta for one month when I was 17, and then was fired. I really didn’t give a fuck. Why? The pay was shitty, the discount sucked, and I hated facing. Oh, and they wanted us to get people to sign up for this shitty fashion magazine, in addition to their rewards program with absolutely no monetary gain. You want to motivate people? Pay them.

I worked for an agency. I was hands down one of the most creative people there. I got shit done. I got shit done quick. I was able to get clients on some pretty cool blogs. You think I got a raise? Nope. I quit. Caio!

I’ve worked for people who wrote nasty emails about how I was stupid; they made me cry, they cut like a knife, but you know what fuck them. They were in debt, and hated themselves, so naturally they took it out on someone else. I admit to being a dingbat at times, but I am far from dumb. Nasty comments have only made me stronger. You want to call me dumb? Go ahead. Have fun. TWAT!

I’ve worked around people who are lazy, uncreative, and have no major goals. They make you so depressed after a while. Its like they gave up on life, and the highlight of their year is when Starbucks puts out the holiday drinks.

All of these companies had one thing in common, they failed to realize a pat on the back doesnt pay the bills. If you want to keep a team of MVP’s you have to pay them, and reward them.

XOXOXOXOXO- Jaclyn

 

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That dark ass humor tho.

So, I do mostly one liners, and mostly dark humor. I love dark humor, because I find it really amusing to see people go “oh”, or “aw”..look around the room at other people to see whether or not it is “okay” to laugh. I get off on it. HA HA. Yeah, my jokes are well written, and I look too dumb to understand that what I am saying is so awful, so yes..please laugh.

I grew up in a family that found humor in all dark subjects. My mother and her sister laughed at her Aunt’s funeral because the shoes on the body looked like Dorothy’s from the Wizard of Oz. My grandpa used to tell us crazy stories like how he was on a trolly once turned away and then looked back at the guy next to him and the guys head got cut off because he stuck it out the window & BAAAMMMMM. We cracked up about this. My grandpa told me about how his sister died at 19; she was a dancer, he loved her. The fact that bad shit happens was never ever hidden from me. ┬áBut I was taught early on to find the funny in it.

I’m not a xerox face.

When I started college, I really wanted to be an anchorwoman. I wanted to be the next Jessica Savitch. I bought her biography, and read everything about her, I had her plastered all over my Myspace…she was so edgy, she was dark, and groundbreaking. She had a cocaine problem, her husband committed suicide, her dad died when she was young, she experienced poverty, she was super sexual, and had captivating eyes. She was broken. I thought she was relatable. I worked at my school’s radio station for a while doing news updates. I would find news stories, rewrite them to fit their standards, and say them on air. Maybe 3 people heard? The ones sitting in the office (laughs). I would always fuck up country names, and people’s last names LOL. I have an accent. I wasn’t cut out for this. I remember back in the day Facebook had this thing where you could tell people things anonymously, and one day someone wrote “I have no doubt when you get your non regional dialect down you’re going to be become one of the best known anchorwomen” I still remember, pretty cool.

The truth is I am not cut out to do the news. I actually really don’t give a fuck about the news LOLLOL. I remember this guy telling the class that oneday we would have sacrifice our morals to boost our careers, and I just can’t do shit like that. I’m really lovely underneath it all. I’m a really good person. An authentic soul. I also didn’t have passion for this. What do I have passion for?

WRITING! & getting attention LMFAO.

Writing is my first love. I liked writing as a child because I could make the world the way I wanted it to be! I could create, and possibly make people feel good. This translates well with comedy; I am a very good joke writer. I also like making people good about shit they are supposed to feel bad about it which is why I write mostly dark humor. I like being the center of attention…I have that narc personality going on and I am quite charming so it all works out.

Also, I am not a xerox face. I have distinct features, and I am kinda exotic looking, which is not news standards. Savitch, Couric, etc they all have a similar looking face, and I just do not exude that type of beauty.

xoxoxoxo- Jaclyn