I have incredibly poor taste in men. I attract awful guys who treat me like garbage. I think guys have zero interest in me they just want to get inside of me, and because of this feeling I have emotionally shut myself off. I am tired of them just trying to use me for sex. I am tired of them not listening to a word I say, and I am tired of them blowing me off. I have had guys do some terrible things to me that really emotionally fucked me up, but guess what? I’m going to have the last laugh.
I am working on a monologue for a show I am going to be in this week, and I often have trouble acting, because I fear showing an audience how much of an emotional train wreck I am, but the other night, I thought about all of the horrible things guys have done to me over the years, and I started to cry! I was able to feel on stage. I could see the people in rehearsal…connect with me. I think I can be pretty captivating when I reveal the fact that I am an emotional train wreck. I am lacking this comedically. The second I start showing audiences I am an emotional rollercoaster. I am going to start murdering. I am a good joke writer, and my on stage persona is evolving beautifully, but I need the audience to feel more, and I often fear showing people how emotional I truly am. I don’t want them to know that I cry like 2500 times a week. But I must. It makes me more human, and more likable.
The loser guys that hurt me are helping me create art. Plus, I can turn them into victims, and get laughs for it. I can give people pleasure from my pain. I think thats really cool. I find it rewarding.