how i cope w/ my sadness.

Sometimes life can really wear you down, and you start to look at all the negatives, and it makes you start to crumble. You focus on your pain, and what you don’t have, you focus on horrible things horrible people have said to you, and you let the demons win. Whenever I get sad it usually transforms into anger, and when this happens this is what I do.

#1.) I think of this brilliant piece of advice someone gave me “whenever you feel angry..you have let whatever is bothering you WIN!” It seriously helps me to remember how much of a touch bitch I can be! How strong I am inside. And how in the end, what horrible people think of me is none of my business and not worth my anger.

#2.) I think about all the positive things people have said to me! Like “you’re remarkable, you’re very talented, you’re so clever”, and it makes me feel a bit better.

#3.) I think about how I live in such a crazy city that MILLIONS of people wish they could live in! AND IM NOT GIVING UP!

#4.) I think about my business plans, and marketing strategies. I think about my brand, and my artistic voice, and how powerful it is going to be.

#5.) I think about my art, and how it is going to change the world in a positive way!

#6.) I think about the people in my life who love me.

xoxoxoxoxo

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& so it goes.

I was an ugly ducking.

Like thin, mousy brown hair, braces, wacky eye brows, and I got picked on a lot as a kid. I was also incredibly shy, and unfortunately, when you’re shy…you are often the target of weak people belittling you.

In high school, I was a chunky monkey, and hated my body. I was so insecure, because I thought everyone around me looked like they popped off some show on the CW, and I looked like I popped off a Windex commercial.

Eventually, we moved and I switched high schools, and met some new friends. One in particular, really shaped who I am today. She taught me to be resilient, and she taught me to love myself. She always made me laugh, and turned my frown upside down. She made the end of my high school years a glorious experience. She gave zero fucks. I was TERRIFIED to tell a guy I liked him in high school. She didn’t give a flying FUCK! If she liked someone she said it end of story…I remember one time she was assigned to a project with this one kid in English, and she blurted “oh Jake the hot one”, and I just couldn’t stop laughing. I would have never yelled out something like that..I lived in constant fear of rejection. She taught me how great I am. How smart I am. She gave me compliments and it really helped with self esteem. Eventually, I got thinner and really felt at ease with my appearance.

I have so much courage because of her; she broke me out of my shell. She helped me to give zero fucks, and you know what happens when people think you dont care? THEY STOP TAKING AIM AT YOU. Guess what happens when you are confident? PEOPLE STOP TAKING AIM AT YOU. It feels really cool. It feels like power, because it is very powerful to be yourself in a world filled with lots of haters.

With that being said…surround yourself with good friends they will help you. They will bring out the best in you, and can save you from yourself. xoxoxoxox Jaclyn

Let em choke on their insecurity.

This past year, I have grown significantly as a person, and I am proud of myself. I made some awesome friends who have helped me a lot both emotionally, and artistically. Good friends make the world go round.

One in particular has made me own up to my personality type, and not be apologetic about it. He is like an uncle figure to me, and he has helped my art and self esteem tremendously. I will give you a prime example, one day I was telling him about my day at work. I told him that I was at my office, and we were eating lunch, and I said to everyone in the room, tomorrow I am going to have a drink with so and so after our walk through. Now this was not a weird thing, the men did it all the time with each other, and everyone knew! Well, this woman yelled out “you know just because a man doesn’t have a ring on his finger doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a woman at home”. I was caught off guard because I had zero intentions of getting into this guys pants! My friend said look Jaclyn you did NOTHING wrong! She is probably projecting HER personal thoughts onto you, and because you’re narcissistic you think it’s about YOU but its really not. That is TOTALLY TRUE! So many times I have questioned what I have said or done because I thought the situation was about me but it wasn’t.

This applies to my men too. A couple of months ago, I met this guy, and we started hanging out and I really developed feelings for him. He said some fucked up shit to me like “you can’t emotionally handle me’, “you’re not my type”, “your tits are small”, just shit to try and tear down my self esteem. He was really just projecting..he can’t emotionally handle someone like myself. I saw girls he has dated, and in my opinion, I am better looking, and far more interesting. I saw one in particular who looked like she could star in a pampers commercial…I am sorry I don’t look like the type of girl who would get pregnant and follow through with it. He felt threatened. I am much smarter than this guy…he asked me if he could eat organic honey! I am not angry with this guy anymore, because I realize he is just a broken man who needs serious therapy, and I only wish him the best of luck in his life, because being angry at him doesn’t benefit me. I learn and grow from these mistakes. I also turn it into humor. I think in his heart he felt as though he was not good enough for me, and many times when broken people feel this way they try and break you too. He wasn’t good enough for me. He wasn’t passionate enough, he wasn’t smart enough, he wasn’t kind enough, he wasn’t secure enough, he wasn’t romantic enough, and he wasn’t strong enough. I don’t need broken men in my life, who only want to talk to me when they need me. I don’t do that to people. I am so loving and caring and loyal and I deserve all of that right back.

My friend has made me realize that many of the dipshits I dated were nasty to me because they more than likely felt they weren’t good enough..and you know what..THEY WEREN’T. If you’re a person who projects your insecurity onto others do yourself a favor and CHOKE ON IT!

XOXOXOXOXO- Jaclyn Passaro

 

we all have issues.

I have issues. You have issues. The crazy neighbors that always fight have issues. We all have issues. It sucks, I know but its part of being human.

I have tons of issues, for example, I hate myself for not being more successful at this point in my life. I cry about it ALL the time. I thought I would have a big house by now, and a sports car in my garage, and an endless supply of Fiji water! I thought I would have written at least one best selling book, and I would have traveled the world, and eaten fresh gelato made from a guy who couldn’t speak english. I thought I would have a closet filled with every Louis Vuitton bag ever made. I thought I would  be in love by now, and sometimes I cry because I feel like I have absolutely nothing, but you know what I do have? A handbag filled with mistakes, and that’s important because those mistakes are a crystal clear representation of different learning experiences. And you know what I would be without those mistakes? A lame sitcom character nobody wants to have brunch with.

Various mistakes I made….

I got bad grades in high school. I graduated with a  2.6 GPA. I barely passed math; I would get by with like 60% LOL. I hated math, because it frustrated the fuck out of me. It made me feel dumb, and no matter how many times I asked the teacher for help, or saw a tutor, nothing helped. If I was able to score a 70% on a test, that was an achievement. I did bad in chemistry, because it was boring, and I tuned the teacher out, and I also dicked around during that class. I did alright in English, and History, I think I got B’s, and then came college. It took me 5 years to get a Bachelor’s of Arts degree…LOL. I used to ditch my classes, and I tried to take science and math in the same semester…freshmen year not a good choice. I also had a part time job, and then sophomore year had internships. I did terrible in psychology. I got a D twice LMAO. I was so bored.

In the beginning, I wanted to be an anchorwoman. Until I realized I had too much of an accent, and I really gave zero fucks about the news. I mean…I’m not Katie Couric. I could never be that cookie cutter perfect girl with perfect blonde hair that never has any strays, and constantly don a Growing Pains smile. That’s just not Jaclyn. Also, I remember one day this guy came into class and basically implied we would have to do some fucked up shit in order to boost our careers and ratings, and I’m just not down for that shit. I don’t want to hurt people, because hurting people will hurt me.

I always wanted to be in the entertainment industry. Always. When I was little I used to have conversations with myself in the mirror, and instead of taking me to therapy, my mother thought oh my kid is going to win an Oscar. I’ve always had a vivid imagination. A real kooky one. When I was like 7, I wanted to be a writer. I didn’t know what I wanted to write, but I wanted to be one. When I was 11, I wanted to be a movie director, and an actress. I did take acting classes as a kid, and perform in talent shows, but whatever nothing ever came of it, besides we lived in Arizona, and I never had the ability to get any big auditions. As a kid, I could act. I was a pretty good serious actress, and I wasn’t afraid of showing my sadness, or the anger I had built up inside me, because I was pissed at my parents, or sad that the kids at school picked on me a lot (because they did when you’re shy & awkward you’re just a target). It was a cool way to escape. I always knew that I was far more special than those kids. As narcissistic as that sounds, I knew I had something they didn’t and that was talent, and drive.

I’m also really bad with managing my money, and dating. I’m no picnic. I know that, but that’s okay, because picnics suck. They’re boring. I’m a party. Sometimes I’m the loud party that causes the cops to show up. Sometimes I’m the cocktail party…a bit more serious, and professional. Sometimes I’m a kids party…all sweet and innocent. In the end, I’m still a party, and that’s a good thing. I get down on myself for not being in a serious relationship by now, but in the end it’s not really a mistake. Had I ended up married or serious with any of the guys I have dated, I would have end up unhappy. I wasn’t crazy in love with any of them, and I need to be crazy in love in order to settle down, and some people find that someone when they’re 40! So what! Maybe I am just that girl that finds the right guy when she’s 40!

I don’t have a solid career yet, because I changed jobs a lot LOL. I always wanted a career in entertainment, and ever since I started comedy…..I haven’t gotten sick of it. I’m addicted. I’m addicted to the writing, and character development. I’m addicted to the high that performing gives me. I’m addicted to the kooks I have met doing it. I’m addicted to the DM’s I get telling me how funny i am, and asking when I will be playing in their town. I’m addicted to the feeling of knowing that for the first time I know I am doing something right, and in my heart and soul….I know it is going to work out. I’m struggling…but I just know I am going to succeed.

The biggest mistake I made was believing that superficial things would make me happy. What if I did end up becoming a successful anchor woman, and I had all the material possessions I ever wanted…but I had to so many skeletons in my closet they were busting out the door. I’d hate myself for becoming a monster. I believe I can help people through humor, and I will be financially successful with it. It might take some time but it will happen. I want to do it to help people not to post my yacht on Instagram.

xoxoxoxoxoxo-

Jaclyn

10 Things I hate about myself

1.) My nervous habits.

2.) I procrastinate a shit ton if the thing i need to do is something i have zero interest in doing

3.) My poor eating habits.

4.) The fact that I’m attracted to bad men…I’ll never find love.

5.) The fact that I spend too much time crying.

6.) I often love people who don’t care about me.

7.) My blackheads.

8.) My smile.

9.) My forgetfulness

10.) My spelling errors.

I like to con the audience into loving someone who is deemed unlikable

I like to con the audience into loving someone who is deemed an unlikable villain.

It’s tons of fun. It’s fun to show people how someone who is such an asshole is still worthy of redemption. We are all flawed, and it helps to create comedy.

I play a character who is selfish, sarcastic, and narcissistic, but clever about it. I make some valid points about what is wrong with society often indirectly victimizing myself. It is really cool, and my character continues to grow, and reveal her different layers.

choose to win.

Last week, I was given some crucial advice. I shall hold onto it forever, or until I have Alzheimers, and simply cannot remember the last time I took a piss. I was in class, and the instructor said to me “you seemed angry, and anger means that whatever is pissing you off won, and that girl up there she doesn’t lose, she wins”. To me that shit is deep. It struck a cord, and made me realize that whenever I am angry, and I am performing I BOMB! The audience doesn’t want to see some angry victim. I do well when my attitude is annoyed, because that thing didn’t win. I won.

I think I allow people to get to me. I allow them to upset me, and make me angry. I will give you one primary example: LOVE! Unfortunately, I am very good at picking horrible men, but I don’t necessarily fall in love with them, or develop any kind of emotional attachment, because I am extremely disconnected. I like feeling numb, because I am so emotional, and loving. Love causes me to lose control, and ultimately causes me to crash and burn. For me love is suicide. I really liked this one guy, and he was a poor choice. But I instantly felt a connection,  I saw fireworks, and I became attached. I was attached to someone who jokingly called me a blow up doll, attached to someone who showed his co-workers private messages (don’t worry there were no photos), and when it pissed me off, he said they don’t know who you are. I felt so hurt. I felt like a loser. I felt like a moron. I felt angry at myself for allowing someone to speak to me like that, but you know what hurts more? Whenever I go to Sephora and they’re out of my favorite lipstick. See what I did there? I took pain and turned into humor. And whenever someone hurts me, and I’m on stage saying a joke about them, and I ultimately win, and the audience laughs…it is the ultimate FUCK YOU! Because I choose to win. And from now on I’m not going to let any dipshit cause me to feel angry especially when he doesn’t care about me. Fuck em I’m too good for that shit.