Crisis Chicks.

Pretty much all of my relationships fail. There are gum balls that have lasted longer than some of my relationships. There are people who often wonder why I don’t have a boyfriend. I am fairly bright, self sufficient & I’m not ugly. Well here’s the deal I’m a pain in the ass.

-I am not one of those broads who likes every damn photo of the guy I am with.

-I am not some broad who is going to tell a guy how amazing he is 24/7. I’m not like that. I just expect the guy to know I really dig him. I mean I send them kissy face emojis what more do they want?

-I have ADHD & well I’m narcissistic. But Im not the type of narc that hurts people intentionally to get ahead. I could never do that. It would make me feel awful.

-I get easily distracted and bored. My shrink asked me if I have ever suffered from depression, and anxiety. I know I have anxiety, because I bite my nails all the time, and have done so since I was a child. I also used to pull my hair out as a kid anytime I got sick because my mom made me feel so scared. I used to get really high fevers, and would be sick for weeks, and she made it much, much worse. I don’t think i have depression….I explained to her that whenever I have an office job…eventually i start to cry everyday…and she said because you constantly need to be stimulated. So, this also applies to dating. If a guy cant stimulate me I get distracted and bored. And then dump him, or he gets annoyed by it and dumps me.

-I’m no damsel in distress. I think guys like girls who come across as helpless, and whiny because these types are ego strokers. like a chick who is always in crisis is probably going to be the one to tell you how great you are 24/7, and will kiss your ass. I’m too busy getting shit done. I’m not a crisis chick.

-I’m broken and i dont need you to fix me.


xoxoxox- Jaclyn


The loser guys that hurt me are helping me to create art

Huffington Post

I have incredibly poor taste in men. I attract awful guys who treat me like garbage. I think guys have zero interest in me they just want to get inside of me, and because of this feeling I have emotionally shut myself off. I am tired of them just trying to use me for sex. I am tired of them not listening to a word I say, and I am tired of them blowing me off. I have had guys do some terrible things to me that really emotionally fucked me up, but guess what? I’m going to have the last laugh.

I am working on a  monologue for a show I am going to be in this week, and I often have trouble acting, because I fear showing an audience how much of an emotional train wreck I am, but the other night, I thought about all of the horrible things guys have done to me over the years, and I started to cry! I was able to feel on stage. I could see the people in rehearsal…connect with me. I think I can be pretty captivating when I reveal the fact that I am an emotional train wreck. I am lacking this comedically. The second I start showing audiences I am an emotional rollercoaster. I am going to start murdering. I am a good joke writer, and my on stage persona is evolving beautifully, but I need the audience to feel more, and I often fear showing people how emotional I truly am. I don’t want them to know that I cry like 2500 times a week. But I must. It makes me more human, and more likable.

The loser guys that hurt me are helping me create art. Plus, I can turn them into victims, and get laughs for it. I can give people pleasure from my pain. I think thats really cool. I find it rewarding.


People that dont go away.

*Rolls Eyes*

I don’t know about you, but I personally have had people that I kicked out of my life try to come back in. Some people have problems taking a hint. I am not a very forgiving person. Is it a flaw? Yes. If I break up with you, or end a friendship, or end any relationship for that matter..its a done deal. I will probably never let you back into my life.

Cases in Point:

About two years ago, I ended a friendship with this girl, we can call her Elizabeth. She was a really shitty person that made bad choices ALL the fucking time. She got pregnant by like 10 different guys, couldn’t hold a job, and was an all around emotional train wreck. I am NOT trying to JUDGE her but this type of behavior really started to negatively impact me. She would CONSTANTLY blow up my phone, and I was always vey kind, sincere and patient and helped her. One day she busted my chops and I blew up at her said some mean shit, and then blocked her. I knew then I couldn’t have someone like her in my life anymore. Ever since I kicked her out of my life, I am so much happier, and more successful. I focus more on what I want to do, and managed to find friends who are much more driven, career focused and supportive. I remember one time I was bitching to her about my co-workers, and she said she didn’t want to hear anything negative, go drink TEA! Every so often…she tries to send me direct messages, and I just block them. I have zero interest in giving her my friendship. She doesn’t deserve it.

I remember I dumped my first boyfriend because he was rude and disrespectful. Afterwards, he would try and insult me to get me to talk to him again. I remember he asked my sister if I was still crazy. His tactic failed to succeed.

I’ve had one night stands try and text me afterwards to see me again. They don’t call it a one night stand for nothing 🙂

Sometimes people have a tough time letting go, but that really isn’t my problem. Its THEIR problem.


How to spot a “man”

*Please excuse my sarcasm*

So, most little boys eventually grow up, and become men. I mean that’s what’s supposed to happen, right? They are babies, start walking, hit puberty, start ejaculating, and then eventually they become “men”. Unfortunately, a lot of these boys only physically become men, and they stop emotionally growing when they are teenagers. So, I have constructed a great list for you on how to spot a “man”.

#1.) They don’t have the balls to tell you they don’t like you. Instead, they blow you off, or just stop replying to your texts. You know who does this? TEENAGERS! Teen boys who cannot tell you they don’t like you, OR guys that are seeing like 20 different chicks, and just want to string you along.

#2.) I dumped my last boyfriend…straight to his face. I told him how I felt straight to his face, no bullshit. Then afterwards, he tells me he is going to the bathroom and never came back LMFAO. He sent me a text message saying have a nice life. I thought it was hilarious.

#3.) He complains that you don’t like his posts on social media. LOL.

#4.) He reads your texts and make comments about them, and constantly accuses you of cheating.

#5.) He tells you what you want to hear instead of what he actually feels.

#6.) A guy that tells you he will never “disrespect” you, and then totally ignores you. I’m sorry but I am pretty sure ignoring someone, and blowing them off is disrespectful, but maybe I’m a martian or something.





Feminism..At Fast Times

Fast Times at Ridgemont High is one of my all time favorite flicks, because the characters are incredibly relatable, and Amy Heckerling did a FANTASTIC job at being “pro” feminist without making me feel like I was being lectured.

My favorite line is:

“What does it matter? He’s a stereo salesman. What’d you wanna do, marry him? Have kids with him?”

I was once told I am a lot like Linda,and while we definitely have similar personality traits, I can also relate to the naiveness of Stacy especially in High School.

Linda likes dating older men, and in the end of the flick ends up with her Shrink professor. I also enjoy dating older men, because I feel like I am so wise for my age, and men my own age can never ever say what they want. I am more confrontational, and just tell you what I feel. No bullshit. No games. She also complained about how guys her age sucked in bed, and they do. They only understand how to fuck, they don’t understand how to have sex.

Linda also told Stacy to just ask the guy out, because they love that kind of stuff, and they do, especially if a guy is unsure of whether, or you are into him. Linda was really comfortable with her sexuality, and never put another female down, which was very mature for a high school student. Unfortunately, she had a knack for shitty men. Her “fiance” fails to show up at her graduation, and then eventually dumps her.  When you care about someone you don’t do stuff like that.


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I don’t really have a desire to get married

I have told plenty of simple minded folks that I don’t want to get married, and they always look at me like I have 16 heads and a shark face.

You see I don’t see anything wrong in what I feel. I never said people shouldn’t get married; I said I don’t want to get married. I never said I cannot be monogamous. (Also, not everyone is monogamous and theres nothing wrong with that) I  never said love doesn’t exist because it definitely does.

I just don’t think a guy has to give me a stupid fucking ring because that’s what society shoved down his throat his entire life. MARRIAGE DOES NOT= LOVE.

I am finding out though I do enjoy romance, long walks on the beach, poems and admitting to someone I like them, and not being afraid to be seen in a vulnerable light. I hate admitting I like a guy because it makes me feel powerless.

What are your thoughts on marriage?

Shitty People You Probably Worked with.

I have worked countless jobs, and disliked many of them because of the idiots I was forced to pretend to like. Office jobs are the absolute WORST for someone with my personality type. I am a creative space caddet so after a while being in the same environment, sitting at the same fucking desk, doing the same fucking tasks and working with the same people makes me feel suicidal. So, I have comprised a list of shitty people you probably work with or will have the honor of working with.

#1.) The bimbo who does absolutely nothing, but gets ahead because she fucked the right guy. The brutal truth is many people climb up the ladder in their company who are totally unqualified, and have the mind of a rocking chair,because they rode the right dick.

#2.) The moron who is pointless, does not do their job well, but continues to get chance after chance before finally getting fired. I once worked with a moron who told us a story about how some guy put the date rape drug in her drink but she was super stoked he chose her because she was fat. I threw a dart at her head at an office party and her head popped.

#3.) The person who takes their job wayyyyyy too seriously! I once worked with an over competitive chick at a popular sunglass store who was so competitive about selling $200 worth of plastic. I’m sorry but the commission was super low…so I personally gave zero fucks.

#4.) The manager that will forever be a manager at some shitty retail job because they never had the nerve to chase after their dreams, or they had a kid at 20 and got married at 21 and thought their career options were limited. This manager will try and discourage you from chasing your dreams. Don’t listen to them they will always make a few bucks over minimum wage selling t-shirts that were made in China.

#5.) The stoner that sits at their desk and calls you a diva when you message them multiple times to fix your computer!

#6.) The grown up mean girls who talk shit about the people they will never be as good as.