Dear Dumbass

Dear Dumbass,

For a while, I felt destroyed by you, because I really cared about you, and the feeling just wasn’t mutual. It hurts tremendously when you care about someone, are emotionally and physically there for someone, and they blow you off. It hurts when you care about someone, and they take advantage of your kindness. It hurts when you go out of your way for someone, and they do the bare minimum for you on their time.

For a while, I was crazy about you, and honestly I don’t know why. You took me for granted countless times. You treated me like a piece of coal, and I’m a fucking diamond. Yeah, as narcissistic as it sounds I don’t care. Zero fucks given. After spending countless of hours with you, I’ve learned a thing or two about life. Here they are:

#1.) You taught me that someone who isn’t very smart could make a lot of money. Even people who act “dumb” on reality tv shows are usually just playing a part for some quick cash, but you are legitimately DUMB! You can’t even spell loser.

#2.) You made me stronger. You frequently disrespected me, and tried to imply that I’m not good looking. I honestly hope you meant all of the cruel remarks you said, because I want you to think I look like an ugly bridge troll. Your taste in women just isn’t what I think is attractive.

#3.) You taught me how much I desire someone who is deep, and a creative mind. You are quite simple, and the type of humor you like is the type I cannot stand. You are quite boring, with no unique hobbies, or passions. You lack passion, and I need passion.

#4.) You taught me that I need someone who isn’t threatened by me. I need someone who isn’t threatened by the fact that I’m determined, smart, cute, and will speak up about what’s bothering me even if I know it will result in a fight.

#5.) You taught me that when a man says all of the women he has dated are crazy, it says more about HIM then it will ever say about those women. HE’S the problem, guarantee it.

#6.) You taught me to be extra careful about who I spend MY time with. Time is super valuable, and I am no longer going to just spend it on anybody.

#7.) You taught me all about covert narcissism. You my friend are a narcissist. I don’t need those in my life.

Maybe someday, you will learn how to put someone else’s feelings before yours, maybe someday you will think about how your actions affect other people, maybe someday you will learn how to make someone feel good about themselves instead of trying to tear them down, maybe someday you will learn that you’re a terrible liar. Have fun with your waitress, have fun with your “rotation” of women. I hope you get whatever you want in life, since your IQ is 5 you should be able to get whatever you want 🙂

Love Always,

Jaclyn

PS karma will always be your enemy until you better yourself

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I’m sorry but he’s just not that into you

I think we’ve all been in denial about someone we really like. The red flags are right there smack in front of our faces, but we choose to look the other way, because we are wrapped up in our emotions. Love sucks sometimes, because it can be one sided, and sometimes you get burned. Take it from me, I’ve been burned hard. But I saw the fire, and it was really my own silly mistakes, and I think its crucial to take what I have learned, and use it to my advantage. So, here are some signs he’s just not that into you.

#1.) He blows you off for weeks on end, and then returns, and has some batshit crazy excuse as to why he failed to communicate with you. I took care of this guy for an entire week only for him to blow me off for six weeks. He claimed he was so “sick”, he was just now getting back into contact with people. *Sigh*

#2.) He takes hours if not days to text you back. It takes like 5 seconds to text someone. If he doesn’t have time to do this, he’s just not that into you.

#3.) He says stuff like “can’t we just see where this goes”, because he’s just stringing you along until he finds what he wants.

#4.) He treats you like you’re expendable, because that’s exactly what you are to him.

#5.) He says he’s going to do something, and doesn’t follow through.

#6.) He’s verbally abusive to you.

#7.) He’s only dating you because it boosts his self esteem.

#8.) He’s on his cell phone when you’re with him constantly.

#9.) He fights with you when you tell him how you feel about something.

#10.) He doesnt really listen to you.

 

I was right.

This past year has been emotionally draining for me, and caused me to become very depressed. I haven’t really suffered from depression like this. Its hard for me to get up in the morning, sometimes I alienate myself from people, I cry all the time, and sometimes I feel worthless, I feel defeated, and so alone. I feel like a failure. I should have it all, and I don’t. I was born to outdo everyone, to be the best, to look the best, have the best things, the best career, the best spouse, achieve everything, and just win. I don’t. I’m annoyed. I don’t like to fail.

For the longest time, I thought I was hard to love, but I am really not. I am seeing a new therapist, and she is really helping me understand why I do things that I do, and that my feelings aren’t wrong. Last year, I met this guy, and I truly fell in love with him. You cannot choose who you fall for, it sucks. This guy gave me what I did not get as a child from my father. He was affectionate where as my dad was not, and I thought we emotionally connected. We had chemistry, and he was financially secure, and I was always myself with him. I felt safe. I spent many nights with him with no sexual contact, he led me to believe he really cared about me because he did not try to have sex with me in the beginning. This guy is an amazing manipulator, he mind fucked me. You see just because a guy does not use you for your body does not mean he isn’t using you. This man emotionally used me. He also lied to me, and I cannot stand being lied to. After spending an entire week with this guy because he was sick, he ignored me. For weeks. I was livid. I deleted his number, and blocked him on social media. I felt so used, I felt so fucking hurt. You see this guy has a habit of disappearing to go fuck some other chick then when it doesn’t work out he comes back to me, and because I loved him I allowed him to do this to me.I became what I often ridicule. He claimed he was not seeing this one girl, and he clearly lied to me about it and that was verified last night. I am so done with him. I told him off last week, and for the final time I meant it. He hurt my self  esteem tremendously. I have never cried so much in my entire life, or been so emotionally beat down. His abusive remarks made me believe I am so hard to love, and I am this crazy, horrible person, and I am not. I just cared and tried and he didn’t. But you see this behavior of his seems like a pattern, he seems to do this to many women, and while he thinks he’s winning, he is not. He is losing. He lost someone amazing. He lost someone who really loved him, and is amazing. This guy has a lot of money, and I learned a crucial lesson from him. All he has is his bank account. I have more. I have talent, a big heart, beauty, intelligence, a strong work ethic, passion, and honesty. So, guess what? I win. I finally let him go. I finally snapped out of it. I cant believe I became what I often dont understand. You know how many times I have thought…that girl is so pretty, she’s smart, she’s funny, she’s got everything going for her, why is she with that asshole? Now I get it. When you love someone you ignore the red flags. His were on fire, and I was willing to use the flames to roast marshmallows. I turned his negatives into positives because I wanted him to be what I wanted. Because I hate failing, and I wanted this to work.

But guess what? He didn’t love me. He was never committed to me. He went weeks without talking to me multiple times because he was fucking other girls. Girls who looked like they could be the poster children for Jerry Springer. I think I’m gonna get tested for Aids tomorrow. But those girls would never dare to stand up to him because they are impressed by his wealth. Gimme a break.  His sisters haven’t had a relationship with him in years, and he has a bad relationship with his ex wife. All huge red flags. Women don’t just disown their own blood unless they’re really shitty people. He is a shitty person. Only a shitty person would emotionally manipulate another human being for the sheer sake of making themselves feel good. He’s a user. Fuck him.

Here is what I learned from all of this:

My intuition is always dead on. I saw the red flags in September they were very clear. It was clear back then that this guy is not into commitment and just strings girls along, and sleeps with them and uses them emotionally. When I walked away I should have stayed away.

I need to run from signs of insecurity. This guy hurt my self esteem because he has low self esteem. People who hate themselves will always hate you more so you can feel as poorly as them. He tried to get me to believe that I have all of these physical flaws, and i am not good looking. Because he doesnt think he’s good looking. And for a while I started to believe that I was this ugly bridge troll.

This guy ALWAYS plays the victim. ALWAYSSSSSSS. He never owns up to what he has done, and when you try to tell him how you are feeling he gets mad and argues.

This guy is selfish. He cant compromise and is a total brat.

This guy is mean to dogs. He got all mad at his friends cute dog because it was going onto his bed, and he didn’t want it there. Idiot.

I am so done with him. I will never talk to him again. I deserve better. He isn’t and was never good enough for me, and it took me a long ass time to come to grips with that. Maybe one day he will love someone as much as he loves himself and not use them. Maybe you never know.

xoxoxoxox-Jaclyn

<3

I used to work for this lame agency. Like all my other jobs, I despised most of the people I worked with except for one. I will call him Marshal. He was critical, tough, had a strong work ethic, was pessimistic, and British. I thought we bonded well. Marshal noticed my quirky nervous habits like how I twirl my hair a lot, and would remember movies, books, and musical artists I enjoyed. He also wasn’t afraid of calling me out on my personality flaws; one time he told me “the world doesn’t revolve around you”, and while most people would get offended, I did not. Marshal never said I am a bad person, in fact, we often bonded about various things, and he would assure me that when work related stuff went wrong, it was not my fault. He also got annoyed when people who were in higher positions dumped their work onto me so they could dick around. Marshal and I would bicker, but we still got along. In fact, he is definitely my favorite co-worker ever, because we were a great team, he mellowed my nuttiness out and we did some great work together. He was cool to chit chat with, and despite my obvious character flaws, he still saw the good in me, and didn’t judge me.

Marshal didn’t care about getting rich. He read tons of books, and loved art. He loved poetry, and romance. He liked people with substance. He hated bimbos. The people I thought were so good looking he thought were garbage…LOLLOL. Because to him they lacked substance. Anytime, he mentioned a good looking celebrity he always found them attractive for reasons beyond physical.

I think I need to find a Marshal.

I have always been attracted to broken men. Because I thought these particular men had stability, and would have stellar careers.

Boyfriend #1: 16- His dad was a big shot in law enforcement. He was a BRAT. His dad tried to instill a solid work ethic into him, but he was still a brat. His mother was an alcoholic, but his step mom was super cool. I loved her. This kid had it made, I remember him saying he isn’t going to college, and he was going into law enforcement, and he did that. The last time I saw him was at a gas station, he had this brand new car, and looked happy. We were about 21…I waved hi and that was that. About 5 years ago, he committed suicide.

Boyfriend #2: 17- I was so crazy about this one WHO THE FUCK KNOWS WHY! He loved to ignore me, and make up crazy excuses as to why he couldn’t hang out with me. I don’t have gas was my favorite. I think I liked him because he listened to old rock n roll, and I was a dumb teenager so I thought he was deep.

Boyfriend #3: 21- This was the guy I thought I was madly in love with because he was the best lover I ever had. He was a machine, a monster. Passionate, loving, and boosted my self esteem. He hated xerox faces. He was only really into hot latinas, and anyone who looked exotic. Whenever I felt unattractive he always made me feel good about myself. I never remember him deliberately trying to hurt me. But welllll all fires burn out.

Boyfriend #4- 28- Obsessive, jealous, dumb, and a total user. I honestly felt nothing for him after a short period of time which is why i broke it off.

 

Now, I have dated tons of other guys. lol. Like a shit ton, and they ALL have one thing in common….they are broken. I guess because we are what we attract, and I am broken too. I also have a tough time committing.

But I think I have been chasing all the wrong things…I have always chased after guys who I thought had great careers, and financial stability, but with my experience, these guys have always been the hardest to date. They are so fucking self centered, and cannot understand how to emotionally connect, and they fail to comprehend how they hurt me. Like I have to explain the smallest things to them, and that is so frustrating. They are smart enough to make money but so stupid in other ways.

I have been attracted to broken men my entire dating life, but instead, I think I need to find a Marshal. I think I would be happy with someone who can point out my character flaws, but love me anyway, and not judge me for them. I think I would be happy with someone who never ignored me, or only wanted me there when its convenient for them. I think I would be happy with someone who was a snob, and only liked people who they thought had depth. I think I would be happy with someone who was artistic, and interested in my art, and knew my taste in music, and wanted to just spend time with me. Someone who could romance me. Someone who was passionate about something other than money.

xoxoxox Jaclyn

how i cope w/ my sadness.

Sometimes life can really wear you down, and you start to look at all the negatives, and it makes you start to crumble. You focus on your pain, and what you don’t have, you focus on horrible things horrible people have said to you, and you let the demons win. Whenever I get sad it usually transforms into anger, and when this happens this is what I do.

#1.) I think of this brilliant piece of advice someone gave me “whenever you feel angry..you have let whatever is bothering you WIN!” It seriously helps me to remember how much of a touch bitch I can be! How strong I am inside. And how in the end, what horrible people think of me is none of my business and not worth my anger.

#2.) I think about all the positive things people have said to me! Like “you’re remarkable, you’re very talented, you’re so clever”, and it makes me feel a bit better.

#3.) I think about how I live in such a crazy city that MILLIONS of people wish they could live in! AND IM NOT GIVING UP!

#4.) I think about my business plans, and marketing strategies. I think about my brand, and my artistic voice, and how powerful it is going to be.

#5.) I think about my art, and how it is going to change the world in a positive way!

#6.) I think about the people in my life who love me.

xoxoxoxoxo

& so it goes.

I was an ugly ducking.

Like thin, mousy brown hair, braces, wacky eye brows, and I got picked on a lot as a kid. I was also incredibly shy, and unfortunately, when you’re shy…you are often the target of weak people belittling you.

In high school, I was a chunky monkey, and hated my body. I was so insecure, because I thought everyone around me looked like they popped off some show on the CW, and I looked like I popped off a Windex commercial.

Eventually, we moved and I switched high schools, and met some new friends. One in particular, really shaped who I am today. She taught me to be resilient, and she taught me to love myself. She always made me laugh, and turned my frown upside down. She made the end of my high school years a glorious experience. She gave zero fucks. I was TERRIFIED to tell a guy I liked him in high school. She didn’t give a flying FUCK! If she liked someone she said it end of story…I remember one time she was assigned to a project with this one kid in English, and she blurted “oh Jake the hot one”, and I just couldn’t stop laughing. I would have never yelled out something like that..I lived in constant fear of rejection. She taught me how great I am. How smart I am. She gave me compliments and it really helped with self esteem. Eventually, I got thinner and really felt at ease with my appearance.

I have so much courage because of her; she broke me out of my shell. She helped me to give zero fucks, and you know what happens when people think you dont care? THEY STOP TAKING AIM AT YOU. Guess what happens when you are confident? PEOPLE STOP TAKING AIM AT YOU. It feels really cool. It feels like power, because it is very powerful to be yourself in a world filled with lots of haters.

With that being said…surround yourself with good friends they will help you. They will bring out the best in you, and can save you from yourself. xoxoxoxox Jaclyn

we all have issues.

I have issues. You have issues. The crazy neighbors that always fight have issues. We all have issues. It sucks, I know but its part of being human.

I have tons of issues, for example, I hate myself for not being more successful at this point in my life. I cry about it ALL the time. I thought I would have a big house by now, and a sports car in my garage, and an endless supply of Fiji water! I thought I would have written at least one best selling book, and I would have traveled the world, and eaten fresh gelato made from a guy who couldn’t speak english. I thought I would have a closet filled with every Louis Vuitton bag ever made. I thought I would  be in love by now, and sometimes I cry because I feel like I have absolutely nothing, but you know what I do have? A handbag filled with mistakes, and that’s important because those mistakes are a crystal clear representation of different learning experiences. And you know what I would be without those mistakes? A lame sitcom character nobody wants to have brunch with.

Various mistakes I made….

I got bad grades in high school. I graduated with a  2.6 GPA. I barely passed math; I would get by with like 60% LOL. I hated math, because it frustrated the fuck out of me. It made me feel dumb, and no matter how many times I asked the teacher for help, or saw a tutor, nothing helped. If I was able to score a 70% on a test, that was an achievement. I did bad in chemistry, because it was boring, and I tuned the teacher out, and I also dicked around during that class. I did alright in English, and History, I think I got B’s, and then came college. It took me 5 years to get a Bachelor’s of Arts degree…LOL. I used to ditch my classes, and I tried to take science and math in the same semester…freshmen year not a good choice. I also had a part time job, and then sophomore year had internships. I did terrible in psychology. I got a D twice LMAO. I was so bored.

In the beginning, I wanted to be an anchorwoman. Until I realized I had too much of an accent, and I really gave zero fucks about the news. I mean…I’m not Katie Couric. I could never be that cookie cutter perfect girl with perfect blonde hair that never has any strays, and constantly don a Growing Pains smile. That’s just not Jaclyn. Also, I remember one day this guy came into class and basically implied we would have to do some fucked up shit in order to boost our careers and ratings, and I’m just not down for that shit. I don’t want to hurt people, because hurting people will hurt me.

I always wanted to be in the entertainment industry. Always. When I was little I used to have conversations with myself in the mirror, and instead of taking me to therapy, my mother thought oh my kid is going to win an Oscar. I’ve always had a vivid imagination. A real kooky one. When I was like 7, I wanted to be a writer. I didn’t know what I wanted to write, but I wanted to be one. When I was 11, I wanted to be a movie director, and an actress. I did take acting classes as a kid, and perform in talent shows, but whatever nothing ever came of it, besides we lived in Arizona, and I never had the ability to get any big auditions. As a kid, I could act. I was a pretty good serious actress, and I wasn’t afraid of showing my sadness, or the anger I had built up inside me, because I was pissed at my parents, or sad that the kids at school picked on me a lot (because they did when you’re shy & awkward you’re just a target). It was a cool way to escape. I always knew that I was far more special than those kids. As narcissistic as that sounds, I knew I had something they didn’t and that was talent, and drive.

I’m also really bad with managing my money, and dating. I’m no picnic. I know that, but that’s okay, because picnics suck. They’re boring. I’m a party. Sometimes I’m the loud party that causes the cops to show up. Sometimes I’m the cocktail party…a bit more serious, and professional. Sometimes I’m a kids party…all sweet and innocent. In the end, I’m still a party, and that’s a good thing. I get down on myself for not being in a serious relationship by now, but in the end it’s not really a mistake. Had I ended up married or serious with any of the guys I have dated, I would have end up unhappy. I wasn’t crazy in love with any of them, and I need to be crazy in love in order to settle down, and some people find that someone when they’re 40! So what! Maybe I am just that girl that finds the right guy when she’s 40!

I don’t have a solid career yet, because I changed jobs a lot LOL. I always wanted a career in entertainment, and ever since I started comedy…..I haven’t gotten sick of it. I’m addicted. I’m addicted to the writing, and character development. I’m addicted to the high that performing gives me. I’m addicted to the kooks I have met doing it. I’m addicted to the DM’s I get telling me how funny i am, and asking when I will be playing in their town. I’m addicted to the feeling of knowing that for the first time I know I am doing something right, and in my heart and soul….I know it is going to work out. I’m struggling…but I just know I am going to succeed.

The biggest mistake I made was believing that superficial things would make me happy. What if I did end up becoming a successful anchor woman, and I had all the material possessions I ever wanted…but I had to so many skeletons in my closet they were busting out the door. I’d hate myself for becoming a monster. I believe I can help people through humor, and I will be financially successful with it. It might take some time but it will happen. I want to do it to help people not to post my yacht on Instagram.

xoxoxoxoxoxo-

Jaclyn