Comedy’s Most Beloved CUNT!

Everyone pursuing a career in the entertainment industry has goals. Some want to be famous. Some want to influence the world with their art, and others just want to prove that the most horrible people have redeemable personality traits.

I’m three.

I want to be famous too though. I want people to use my face as a target and throw darts at it.

JK.

But really. When people start asking me…what’s your comedy goal? I’m gonna start replying..I’m going to become comedy’s most beloved cunt.

So much of stand up comedy is the comic going on stage and cutting themselves down in order to get a room full of strangers to laugh, and thats not my thing. I find it funnier to go on stage and do the opposite. I let people know I’M BETTER THAN THEM! And sometimes I’m so good people BELIEVE I’m really that horrible! They dont get its a character…its pure satire. I’m showing people that even a bitch can be likable. Even a bitch feels pain, and has redeemable personality traits. And the cunt I play is so witty and likable she gets you to laugh at subjects you’re not supposed to laugh at. haha.

I’m the victim in most of my jokes..without ever self deprecating. I nail myself to the cross, but in the process never show any signs of struggle or pain.

xoxoxoxo

Jaclyn

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I used to work for this lame agency. Like all my other jobs, I despised most of the people I worked with except for one. I will call him Marshal. He was critical, tough, had a strong work ethic, was pessimistic, and British. I thought we bonded well. Marshal noticed my quirky nervous habits like how I twirl my hair a lot, and would remember movies, books, and musical artists I enjoyed. He also wasn’t afraid of calling me out on my personality flaws; one time he told me “the world doesn’t revolve around you”, and while most people would get offended, I did not. Marshal never said I am a bad person, in fact, we often bonded about various things, and he would assure me that when work related stuff went wrong, it was not my fault. He also got annoyed when people who were in higher positions dumped their work onto me so they could dick around. Marshal and I would bicker, but we still got along. In fact, he is definitely my favorite co-worker ever, because we were a great team, he mellowed my nuttiness out and we did some great work together. He was cool to chit chat with, and despite my obvious character flaws, he still saw the good in me, and didn’t judge me.

Marshal didn’t care about getting rich. He read tons of books, and loved art. He loved poetry, and romance. He liked people with substance. He hated bimbos. The people I thought were so good looking he thought were garbage…LOLLOL. Because to him they lacked substance. Anytime, he mentioned a good looking celebrity he always found them attractive for reasons beyond physical.

I think I need to find a Marshal.

I have always been attracted to broken men. Because I thought these particular men had stability, and would have stellar careers.

Boyfriend #1: 16- His dad was a big shot in law enforcement. He was a BRAT. His dad tried to instill a solid work ethic into him, but he was still a brat. His mother was an alcoholic, but his step mom was super cool. I loved her. This kid had it made, I remember him saying he isn’t going to college, and he was going into law enforcement, and he did that. The last time I saw him was at a gas station, he had this brand new car, and looked happy. We were about 21…I waved hi and that was that. About 5 years ago, he committed suicide.

Boyfriend #2: 17- I was so crazy about this one WHO THE FUCK KNOWS WHY! He loved to ignore me, and make up crazy excuses as to why he couldn’t hang out with me. I don’t have gas was my favorite. I think I liked him because he listened to old rock n roll, and I was a dumb teenager so I thought he was deep.

Boyfriend #3: 21- This was the guy I thought I was madly in love with because he was the best lover I ever had. He was a machine, a monster. Passionate, loving, and boosted my self esteem. He hated xerox faces. He was only really into hot latinas, and anyone who looked exotic. Whenever I felt unattractive he always made me feel good about myself. I never remember him deliberately trying to hurt me. But welllll all fires burn out.

Boyfriend #4- 28- Obsessive, jealous, dumb, and a total user. I honestly felt nothing for him after a short period of time which is why i broke it off.

 

Now, I have dated tons of other guys. lol. Like a shit ton, and they ALL have one thing in common….they are broken. I guess because we are what we attract, and I am broken too. I also have a tough time committing.

But I think I have been chasing all the wrong things…I have always chased after guys who I thought had great careers, and financial stability, but with my experience, these guys have always been the hardest to date. They are so fucking self centered, and cannot understand how to emotionally connect, and they fail to comprehend how they hurt me. Like I have to explain the smallest things to them, and that is so frustrating. They are smart enough to make money but so stupid in other ways.

I have been attracted to broken men my entire dating life, but instead, I think I need to find a Marshal. I think I would be happy with someone who can point out my character flaws, but love me anyway, and not judge me for them. I think I would be happy with someone who never ignored me, or only wanted me there when its convenient for them. I think I would be happy with someone who was a snob, and only liked people who they thought had depth. I think I would be happy with someone who was artistic, and interested in my art, and knew my taste in music, and wanted to just spend time with me. Someone who could romance me. Someone who was passionate about something other than money.

xoxoxox Jaclyn

how i cope w/ my sadness.

Sometimes life can really wear you down, and you start to look at all the negatives, and it makes you start to crumble. You focus on your pain, and what you don’t have, you focus on horrible things horrible people have said to you, and you let the demons win. Whenever I get sad it usually transforms into anger, and when this happens this is what I do.

#1.) I think of this brilliant piece of advice someone gave me “whenever you feel angry..you have let whatever is bothering you WIN!” It seriously helps me to remember how much of a touch bitch I can be! How strong I am inside. And how in the end, what horrible people think of me is none of my business and not worth my anger.

#2.) I think about all the positive things people have said to me! Like “you’re remarkable, you’re very talented, you’re so clever”, and it makes me feel a bit better.

#3.) I think about how I live in such a crazy city that MILLIONS of people wish they could live in! AND IM NOT GIVING UP!

#4.) I think about my business plans, and marketing strategies. I think about my brand, and my artistic voice, and how powerful it is going to be.

#5.) I think about my art, and how it is going to change the world in a positive way!

#6.) I think about the people in my life who love me.

xoxoxoxoxo

& so it goes.

I was an ugly ducking.

Like thin, mousy brown hair, braces, wacky eye brows, and I got picked on a lot as a kid. I was also incredibly shy, and unfortunately, when you’re shy…you are often the target of weak people belittling you.

In high school, I was a chunky monkey, and hated my body. I was so insecure, because I thought everyone around me looked like they popped off some show on the CW, and I looked like I popped off a Windex commercial.

Eventually, we moved and I switched high schools, and met some new friends. One in particular, really shaped who I am today. She taught me to be resilient, and she taught me to love myself. She always made me laugh, and turned my frown upside down. She made the end of my high school years a glorious experience. She gave zero fucks. I was TERRIFIED to tell a guy I liked him in high school. She didn’t give a flying FUCK! If she liked someone she said it end of story…I remember one time she was assigned to a project with this one kid in English, and she blurted “oh Jake the hot one”, and I just couldn’t stop laughing. I would have never yelled out something like that..I lived in constant fear of rejection. She taught me how great I am. How smart I am. She gave me compliments and it really helped with self esteem. Eventually, I got thinner and really felt at ease with my appearance.

I have so much courage because of her; she broke me out of my shell. She helped me to give zero fucks, and you know what happens when people think you dont care? THEY STOP TAKING AIM AT YOU. Guess what happens when you are confident? PEOPLE STOP TAKING AIM AT YOU. It feels really cool. It feels like power, because it is very powerful to be yourself in a world filled with lots of haters.

With that being said…surround yourself with good friends they will help you. They will bring out the best in you, and can save you from yourself. xoxoxoxox Jaclyn

we all have issues.

I have issues. You have issues. The crazy neighbors that always fight have issues. We all have issues. It sucks, I know but its part of being human.

I have tons of issues, for example, I hate myself for not being more successful at this point in my life. I cry about it ALL the time. I thought I would have a big house by now, and a sports car in my garage, and an endless supply of Fiji water! I thought I would have written at least one best selling book, and I would have traveled the world, and eaten fresh gelato made from a guy who couldn’t speak english. I thought I would have a closet filled with every Louis Vuitton bag ever made. I thought I would  be in love by now, and sometimes I cry because I feel like I have absolutely nothing, but you know what I do have? A handbag filled with mistakes, and that’s important because those mistakes are a crystal clear representation of different learning experiences. And you know what I would be without those mistakes? A lame sitcom character nobody wants to have brunch with.

Various mistakes I made….

I got bad grades in high school. I graduated with a  2.6 GPA. I barely passed math; I would get by with like 60% LOL. I hated math, because it frustrated the fuck out of me. It made me feel dumb, and no matter how many times I asked the teacher for help, or saw a tutor, nothing helped. If I was able to score a 70% on a test, that was an achievement. I did bad in chemistry, because it was boring, and I tuned the teacher out, and I also dicked around during that class. I did alright in English, and History, I think I got B’s, and then came college. It took me 5 years to get a Bachelor’s of Arts degree…LOL. I used to ditch my classes, and I tried to take science and math in the same semester…freshmen year not a good choice. I also had a part time job, and then sophomore year had internships. I did terrible in psychology. I got a D twice LMAO. I was so bored.

In the beginning, I wanted to be an anchorwoman. Until I realized I had too much of an accent, and I really gave zero fucks about the news. I mean…I’m not Katie Couric. I could never be that cookie cutter perfect girl with perfect blonde hair that never has any strays, and constantly don a Growing Pains smile. That’s just not Jaclyn. Also, I remember one day this guy came into class and basically implied we would have to do some fucked up shit in order to boost our careers and ratings, and I’m just not down for that shit. I don’t want to hurt people, because hurting people will hurt me.

I always wanted to be in the entertainment industry. Always. When I was little I used to have conversations with myself in the mirror, and instead of taking me to therapy, my mother thought oh my kid is going to win an Oscar. I’ve always had a vivid imagination. A real kooky one. When I was like 7, I wanted to be a writer. I didn’t know what I wanted to write, but I wanted to be one. When I was 11, I wanted to be a movie director, and an actress. I did take acting classes as a kid, and perform in talent shows, but whatever nothing ever came of it, besides we lived in Arizona, and I never had the ability to get any big auditions. As a kid, I could act. I was a pretty good serious actress, and I wasn’t afraid of showing my sadness, or the anger I had built up inside me, because I was pissed at my parents, or sad that the kids at school picked on me a lot (because they did when you’re shy & awkward you’re just a target). It was a cool way to escape. I always knew that I was far more special than those kids. As narcissistic as that sounds, I knew I had something they didn’t and that was talent, and drive.

I’m also really bad with managing my money, and dating. I’m no picnic. I know that, but that’s okay, because picnics suck. They’re boring. I’m a party. Sometimes I’m the loud party that causes the cops to show up. Sometimes I’m the cocktail party…a bit more serious, and professional. Sometimes I’m a kids party…all sweet and innocent. In the end, I’m still a party, and that’s a good thing. I get down on myself for not being in a serious relationship by now, but in the end it’s not really a mistake. Had I ended up married or serious with any of the guys I have dated, I would have end up unhappy. I wasn’t crazy in love with any of them, and I need to be crazy in love in order to settle down, and some people find that someone when they’re 40! So what! Maybe I am just that girl that finds the right guy when she’s 40!

I don’t have a solid career yet, because I changed jobs a lot LOL. I always wanted a career in entertainment, and ever since I started comedy…..I haven’t gotten sick of it. I’m addicted. I’m addicted to the writing, and character development. I’m addicted to the high that performing gives me. I’m addicted to the kooks I have met doing it. I’m addicted to the DM’s I get telling me how funny i am, and asking when I will be playing in their town. I’m addicted to the feeling of knowing that for the first time I know I am doing something right, and in my heart and soul….I know it is going to work out. I’m struggling…but I just know I am going to succeed.

The biggest mistake I made was believing that superficial things would make me happy. What if I did end up becoming a successful anchor woman, and I had all the material possessions I ever wanted…but I had to so many skeletons in my closet they were busting out the door. I’d hate myself for becoming a monster. I believe I can help people through humor, and I will be financially successful with it. It might take some time but it will happen. I want to do it to help people not to post my yacht on Instagram.

xoxoxoxoxoxo-

Jaclyn

10 Things I hate about myself

1.) My nervous habits.

2.) I procrastinate a shit ton if the thing i need to do is something i have zero interest in doing

3.) My poor eating habits.

4.) The fact that I’m attracted to bad men…I’ll never find love.

5.) The fact that I spend too much time crying.

6.) I often love people who don’t care about me.

7.) My blackheads.

8.) My smile.

9.) My forgetfulness

10.) My spelling errors.

I like to con the audience into loving someone who is deemed unlikable

I like to con the audience into loving someone who is deemed an unlikable villain.

It’s tons of fun. It’s fun to show people how someone who is such an asshole is still worthy of redemption. We are all flawed, and it helps to create comedy.

I play a character who is selfish, sarcastic, and narcissistic, but clever about it. I make some valid points about what is wrong with society often indirectly victimizing myself. It is really cool, and my character continues to grow, and reveal her different layers.