NEVER!

Never let anyone treat you like you’re disposable.

Never let anyone text you or call you only on their terms.

Never let anyone project their negative thoughts onto you.. you’re amazing and anyone who cant see that can go fuck themselves.

Never let anyone take you for granted.

Never let anyone make you feel like you aren’t pretty, or worthy of a healthy relationship.

Never let anyone make you feel like you are nothing more than a sex object

Never let anyone belittle you because they feel threatened by your intelligence

Never ever accept condescending apologies

Never let anyone take and continue to take from you without ever getting something from them.

Do accept the fact that some people will be jealous of you and their jealousy fuels hate towards you but who cares that jealousy has very little to do with you and everything about their own self image FUCK THAT! Thats on them!

XOXOXOXOX—-JACLYN

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Advice…Self-Healing

I truly believe you are what you attract. If you’re a kind, good hearted person who has mostly good intentions then you probably attract others who are similar to you. The law of attraction is oh so real. I think at least. Lately, I have been working on myself, and trying to find peace with some stuff that has left a couple of scars, and it feels good. It feels good to forgive. It feels to find humor in negative situations. It feels good to grow. 2018 is coming to an end, and I am grateful for so many things.

#1.) My health.

#2.) My apartment

#3.) I can always eat

#4.) My talent

#5.) I’m magnetic

#6.) My friends

#7.) My comedy continues to get better

#8.) My strength

#9.) My hard work ethic

#10.) My unique comedic voice.

#11.) My brains

#12.) My good heart

#13.) My strong instincts

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Swipe Left, Swipe Right, Is a waste of time.

I’m horrible at dating, and even worse at maintaining a relationship. I believe its partially because my parents had a shitty relationship, and I don’t want to become them. Ive also never really been exposed to a couple who I felt was truly in love.

I used to think I was hard to love. I used to think I was emotionally unstable, but after weeks of therapy it turns out I’m not. I do have a knack for broken men, and probably because I feel I myself am completely broken on the inside. I just know how to mask my pain. I can appear completely fine even though I spent a half an hour crying in the shower. Sometimes I hate my life. Sometimes I cry alone in my car and hope I have the courage to take a gun put it to my head and pull the trigger. But I don’t. And I never will. There’s always a light at the end of the tunnel. Always.

I thought by now I would have everything Ive ever wanted, and I don’t. I try to stay positive but it can be very hard. I wish I was rich it would solve all of my problems. It would put all of the broken pieces inside of me together.

I used to think I was terrible for not being able to hold a relationship for a long period of time but after weeks of therapy…I’m NOT! I saw warning signs, and things I did not like and broke it off. There isn’t anything wrong with that. Since I’m kinda a serial dater..Imma tell you the types of guys..to look out for if you’re looking for a committed relationship.

#1.) The “Friend” Who wants Relationship benefits disguised as a guy who acts like he wants a relationship——-> Ok so, Imma call this guy Charlie. I met Charlie a while ago through a mutual friend. On the night I met him he said he was looking for a relationship…ok…well eventually we started hanging out, hooking up yada, yada. And at one point he asked me if we were in a relationship would I be ok with Tattoo Girl aka a former fuck buddy sleeping over without me being there. I said NO! Then he called me possessive. It annoyed me so a few days later I broke it off via DM explaining I was looking for a good guy and Ive screwed around enough by now. He got annoyed with me because he felt disrespected because he deserved a phone call. He was right. Anyways….I was stupid and for a while we went back and forth seeing each other and it went no where. I was even sexually bored with him. This guy had no intentions of dating me. Ever. But he did want me to cuddle him, take care of him when he was sick basically shit a girlfriend does, and like a dingbat I did. I’m not special. Thats what this guy does. He never dates or has relationships..he has a string of friends with benefits. He’s all casual. Thats just him. Nothing wrong with that. He did nothing wrong. But I have learned this…I ¬†want a committed relationship. I do not want a man who remains close with most of his exes and former fuck buddies. Those girls are done with you move on. Because in my opinion its a warning sign for Im not ready to commit and thats fine but dont waste my time. He taught me that my feelings about him from the get go weren’t wrong! He’s not boyfriend material because he has no interest in being in a committed relationship. He also tried to imply countless times that Im not pretty. And as a former ugly duckling who got teased as a kid and in middle for being ugly those comments do sting a bit. So, I went digging like a detective and found previous hook ups, and girls he’s “dated” I’m just as pretty. He was a projector and because he felt he wasn’t good looking enough for me he made me feel as if I wasn’t good looking enough for him. Projectors are very unhealthy people for me to be around because they emotionally drain me. I deserve better.

#2.) The Jealous Guy- Imma call this guy Lyft. I dated lyft for like 3 or 4 months. He constantly accused me of cheating, and got upset with me once because he said I wasn’t acting like we were together..I am not a PDA, tag your ass on every photo on social media type of a girl. He also just wasn’t good enough for me. I was emotionally, and intellectually bored with him. And that is OKAY he will be compatible with someone else.

#3.) The guy who sees everything half full- I thought i really liked him at one point. He was super bright, military guy..but negative about every fucking thing. He could never make me happy. He was nuts!

Im tired of writing maybe ill write more later xoxoxo

 

 

Comedy’s Most Beloved CUNT!

Everyone pursuing a career in the entertainment industry has goals. Some want to be famous. Some want to influence the world with their art, and others just want to prove that the most horrible people have redeemable personality traits.

I’m three.

I want to be famous too though. I want people to use my face as a target and throw darts at it.

JK.

But really. When people start asking me…what’s your comedy goal? I’m gonna start replying..I’m going to become comedy’s most beloved cunt.

So much of stand up comedy is the comic going on stage and cutting themselves down in order to get a room full of strangers to laugh, and thats not my thing. I find it funnier to go on stage and do the opposite. I let people know I’M BETTER THAN THEM! And sometimes I’m so good people BELIEVE I’m really that horrible! They dont get its a character…its pure satire. I’m showing people that even a bitch can be likable. Even a bitch feels pain, and has redeemable personality traits. And the cunt I play is so witty and likable she gets you to laugh at subjects you’re not supposed to laugh at. haha.

I’m the victim in most of my jokes..without ever self deprecating. I nail myself to the cross, but in the process never show any signs of struggle or pain.

xoxoxoxo

Jaclyn

<3

I used to work for this lame agency. Like all my other jobs, I despised most of the people I worked with except for one. I will call him Marshal. He was critical, tough, had a strong work ethic, was pessimistic, and British. I thought we bonded well. Marshal noticed my quirky nervous habits like how I twirl my hair a lot, and would remember movies, books, and musical artists I enjoyed. He also wasn’t afraid of calling me out on my personality flaws; one time he told me “the world doesn’t revolve around you”, and while most people would get offended, I did not. Marshal never said I am a bad person, in fact, we often bonded about various things, and he would assure me that when work related stuff went wrong, it was not my fault. He also got annoyed when people who were in higher positions dumped their work onto me so they could dick around. Marshal and I would bicker, but we still got along. In fact, he is definitely my favorite co-worker ever, because we were a great team, he mellowed my nuttiness out and we did some great work together. He was cool to chit chat with, and despite my obvious character flaws, he still saw the good in me, and didn’t judge me.

Marshal didn’t care about getting rich. He read tons of books, and loved art. He loved poetry, and romance. He liked people with substance. He hated bimbos. The people I thought were so good looking he thought were garbage…LOLLOL. Because to him they lacked substance. Anytime, he mentioned a good looking celebrity he always found them attractive for reasons beyond physical.

I think I need to find a Marshal.

I have always been attracted to broken men. Because I thought these particular men had stability, and would have stellar careers.

Boyfriend #1: 16- His dad was a big shot in law enforcement. He was a BRAT. His dad tried to instill a solid work ethic into him, but he was still a brat. His mother was an alcoholic, but his step mom was super cool. I loved her. This kid had it made, I remember him saying he isn’t going to college, and he was going into law enforcement, and he did that. The last time I saw him was at a gas station, he had this brand new car, and looked happy. We were about 21…I waved hi and that was that. About 5 years ago, he committed suicide.

Boyfriend #2: 17- I was so crazy about this one WHO THE FUCK KNOWS WHY! He loved to ignore me, and make up crazy excuses as to why he couldn’t hang out with me. I don’t have gas was my favorite. I think I liked him because he listened to old rock n roll, and I was a dumb teenager so I thought he was deep.

Boyfriend #3: 21- This was the guy I thought I was madly in love with because he was the best lover I ever had. He was a machine, a monster. Passionate, loving, and boosted my self esteem. He hated xerox faces. He was only really into hot latinas, and anyone who looked exotic. Whenever I felt unattractive he always made me feel good about myself. I never remember him deliberately trying to hurt me. But welllll all fires burn out.

Boyfriend #4- 28- Obsessive, jealous, dumb, and a total user. I honestly felt nothing for him after a short period of time which is why i broke it off.

 

Now, I have dated tons of other guys. lol. Like a shit ton, and they ALL have one thing in common….they are broken. I guess because we are what we attract, and I am broken too. I also have a tough time committing.

But I think I have been chasing all the wrong things…I have always chased after guys who I thought had great careers, and financial stability, but with my experience, these guys have always been the hardest to date. They are so fucking self centered, and cannot understand how to emotionally connect, and they fail to comprehend how they hurt me. Like I have to explain the smallest things to them, and that is so frustrating. They are smart enough to make money but so stupid in other ways.

I have been attracted to broken men my entire dating life, but instead, I think I need to find a Marshal. I think I would be happy with someone who can point out my character flaws, but love me anyway, and not judge me for them. I think I would be happy with someone who never ignored me, or only wanted me there when its convenient for them. I think I would be happy with someone who was a snob, and only liked people who they thought had depth. I think I would be happy with someone who was artistic, and interested in my art, and knew my taste in music, and wanted to just spend time with me. Someone who could romance me. Someone who was passionate about something other than money.

xoxoxox Jaclyn

how i cope w/ my sadness.

Sometimes life can really wear you down, and you start to look at all the negatives, and it makes you start to crumble. You focus on your pain, and what you don’t have, you focus on horrible things horrible people have said to you, and you let the demons win. Whenever I get sad it usually transforms into anger, and when this happens this is what I do.

#1.) I think of this brilliant piece of advice someone gave me “whenever you feel angry..you have let whatever is bothering you WIN!” It seriously helps me to remember how much of a touch bitch I can be! How strong I am inside. And how in the end, what horrible people think of me is none of my business and not worth my anger.

#2.) I think about all the positive things people have said to me! Like “you’re remarkable, you’re very talented, you’re so clever”, and it makes me feel a bit better.

#3.) I think about how I live in such a crazy city that MILLIONS of people wish they could live in! AND IM NOT GIVING UP!

#4.) I think about my business plans, and marketing strategies. I think about my brand, and my artistic voice, and how powerful it is going to be.

#5.) I think about my art, and how it is going to change the world in a positive way!

#6.) I think about the people in my life who love me.

xoxoxoxoxo

& so it goes.

I was an ugly ducking.

Like thin, mousy brown hair, braces, wacky eye brows, and I got picked on a lot as a kid. I was also incredibly shy, and unfortunately, when you’re shy…you are often the target of weak people belittling you.

In high school, I was a chunky monkey, and hated my body. I was so insecure, because I thought everyone around me looked like they popped off some show on the CW, and I looked like I popped off a Windex commercial.

Eventually, we moved and I switched high schools, and met some new friends. One in particular, really shaped who I am today. She taught me to be resilient, and she taught me to love myself. She always made me laugh, and turned my frown upside down. She made the end of my high school years a glorious experience. She gave zero fucks. I was TERRIFIED to tell a guy I liked him in high school. She didn’t give a flying FUCK! If she liked someone she said it end of story…I remember one time she was assigned to a project with this one kid in English, and she blurted “oh Jake the hot one”, and I just couldn’t stop laughing. I would have never yelled out something like that..I lived in constant fear of rejection. She taught me how great I am. How smart I am. She gave me compliments and it really helped with self esteem. Eventually, I got thinner and really felt at ease with my appearance.

I have so much courage because of her; she broke me out of my shell. She helped me to give zero fucks, and you know what happens when people think you dont care? THEY STOP TAKING AIM AT YOU. Guess what happens when you are confident? PEOPLE STOP TAKING AIM AT YOU. It feels really cool. It feels like power, because it is very powerful to be yourself in a world filled with lots of haters.

With that being said…surround yourself with good friends they will help you. They will bring out the best in you, and can save you from yourself. xoxoxoxox Jaclyn